today i asked for orange soda and three bumps
is it so bad to be over the life i have? i dunno. i am just such an emo kid of late. the craziness brings it out.
someone needs to come haul me away before the men in white coats do..
i sent a message to Fransisco earlier today. no response. this is good because i put myself on the line and made and ass of myself.
i hate these times. i hate the building panic attacks. i hate walking around in a world that looks like a dirty mirror. this whole blurred edges existence is ok for myspace, but i am getting annoyed. i hate it when my glasses are dirty. i take them off and clean the shit out of them. where does my analogy take me? i take my brain out and scour it? i would if i could. oh dear god would i. so many days i just want to start over. i want to go to the past and tell my mother not to let me get fat. i was a skinny baby. then a fat kid. i don't blame her, but she could have changed it all...
and for all the good i just wouldn't mind something else. cause this is just all the same. let's get some new sameness.
i dunno. i just look down and see a gross stomach and blah the rest, and i just know that i don't want to love it, so why will someone else? at least if i were skinny i would have the issues of someone who has intrigue in their love life. someone who has to deal with people and not deal with people's attitude about my fat.
i dunno..... blarg~
i hate boys. i hate perfect boys who want to dance with me... i hate feeling inadequate. i hate feeling like i can't do anything. i hate having no drive. i hate being so blarg. but it's an important part of who i am...
i am mad at Stanford and a level 650.. i am mad at 1230.. i am mad at top tier. i am mad at papers about America. i am mad about tests. and i am mad about me.
in other news. i am not so much choreography stupid, i am execution stupid. that and i hate veils. i have no desire to do a veil dance. omg.
this is possibly the weirdest place. diablo. crunk. emo. strep throat. where am i? why are they filming a sex scene on my bed? i feel like my life is just questions. there are no answers.. hari seldon was not a man of questions with no answers. he was a man with solutions looking for problems. one day, one day. i will be hari seldon. there will be a Hains Plan. i will be the baby daddy of mentalics. one day. if i don't go live with my mother and work at golfsmith.. which may happen. i mean, even jocelyn is taking a year off. to PUBLISH! omg. my initiative to do what i need to do to compete with people like jocelyn and katherine is... 0. the nano scene is gonna pass me by. and someone is gonna do something great and i am gonna be too poor to keep up...
new side-note: if you are cuter than me and will not ever talk to me unless you are obligated to by social norms (because cute people are talking to me and you) BUT you always ask me to fix you problems or answer your questions (which i DO)- STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME!!! NO CHRIS VOSSEN, I WILL NOT EXPLAIN YOU CALCULUS HOMEWORK TO YOU!!!!!!! ASK ONE OF THE smart kids in class, not the one who understands things. fucking christ. that makes me so mad.. oh well...
so. in conclusion:
i don't know.
i don't like boys.
i don't most things.
i DO like Fransisco.
i will pretend like i don't.
i am annoyed and feeling fat.
and i am full of chocolate.
someone needs to come haul me away before the men in white coats do..
i sent a message to Fransisco earlier today. no response. this is good because i put myself on the line and made and ass of myself.
i hate these times. i hate the building panic attacks. i hate walking around in a world that looks like a dirty mirror. this whole blurred edges existence is ok for myspace, but i am getting annoyed. i hate it when my glasses are dirty. i take them off and clean the shit out of them. where does my analogy take me? i take my brain out and scour it? i would if i could. oh dear god would i. so many days i just want to start over. i want to go to the past and tell my mother not to let me get fat. i was a skinny baby. then a fat kid. i don't blame her, but she could have changed it all...
and for all the good i just wouldn't mind something else. cause this is just all the same. let's get some new sameness.
i dunno. i just look down and see a gross stomach and blah the rest, and i just know that i don't want to love it, so why will someone else? at least if i were skinny i would have the issues of someone who has intrigue in their love life. someone who has to deal with people and not deal with people's attitude about my fat.
i dunno..... blarg~
i hate boys. i hate perfect boys who want to dance with me... i hate feeling inadequate. i hate feeling like i can't do anything. i hate having no drive. i hate being so blarg. but it's an important part of who i am...
i am mad at Stanford and a level 650.. i am mad at 1230.. i am mad at top tier. i am mad at papers about America. i am mad about tests. and i am mad about me.
in other news. i am not so much choreography stupid, i am execution stupid. that and i hate veils. i have no desire to do a veil dance. omg.
this is possibly the weirdest place. diablo. crunk. emo. strep throat. where am i? why are they filming a sex scene on my bed? i feel like my life is just questions. there are no answers.. hari seldon was not a man of questions with no answers. he was a man with solutions looking for problems. one day, one day. i will be hari seldon. there will be a Hains Plan. i will be the baby daddy of mentalics. one day. if i don't go live with my mother and work at golfsmith.. which may happen. i mean, even jocelyn is taking a year off. to PUBLISH! omg. my initiative to do what i need to do to compete with people like jocelyn and katherine is... 0. the nano scene is gonna pass me by. and someone is gonna do something great and i am gonna be too poor to keep up...
new side-note: if you are cuter than me and will not ever talk to me unless you are obligated to by social norms (because cute people are talking to me and you) BUT you always ask me to fix you problems or answer your questions (which i DO)- STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME!!! NO CHRIS VOSSEN, I WILL NOT EXPLAIN YOU CALCULUS HOMEWORK TO YOU!!!!!!! ASK ONE OF THE smart kids in class, not the one who understands things. fucking christ. that makes me so mad.. oh well...
so. in conclusion:
i don't know.
i don't like boys.
i don't most things.
i DO like Fransisco.
i will pretend like i don't.
i am annoyed and feeling fat.
and i am full of chocolate.