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ok. so i have two hours to myself and maybe i can sit down and write a proper update. my love affair with nicotine was hott, heavy, and short. as i smoked half of my first pack in one sitting with out flinching once i decided that, like my father, i am way too predisposed to actually start smoking. then there is this whole mess with my father. it's
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i never wanted to tell you because i don't want you to hold that against me.
i never wanted to reassure you that i wouldn't leave if you just dropped all pride and told me you didn't want me to leave.
i never want to tell you i'll always care for you, without you being clever or kooky and that if you were old and ugly and you had harsh breath and only dopey remarks, i'd still care.
i don't want you to know that you've got me.
i never wanted to hate you because you disappear and it kills me that you leave to torture yourself with all the things you're too afraid to tell anyone, because they'll surely leave too.
i hate myself because i know that when i hate you it's because i can't figure what you won't say and i can't keep myself from caring.
that's why i left. those are some of the reasons that may make me leave again when you soon grow sick of me again.
i know that i've done something that you didn't understand, but i know if you were me, you would completely comprehend it.
i NEVER meant it to be cruelty.
i know you've seen more than your share of cruel.
i think it would be a lie to say that i wish it never hurt you, because as a result i have you as you are and i love you more because you [emo]speak my soul and make sense of my bleeding black abyssesies and absences of all but angst and self-hatred[/emo] in places where others only assume and try to keep perspective.
i appreciate your strength more every day that i encounter things outside of my little mental bubble.
i appreciate your self-proclaimed silliness the most (except when it extends to excessive use of the 4-letter "l" word almost as much as you have me misusing the other one].
i'm still learning and i try to forget that and as much as i preach, i need to pick at the plank in my ego and not stare at yours just because i can. hypocrisy eats us all, but i often forget its teeth are dwelling in my backside (i mean, it's got it's own zipcode).
i have one request and it's that you be gentle with me and try (like anyone even could) to remember that most of the time i deeply, deeply, reverently love you in a way i love very few people (less than 10 of my beloved things can boast that claim) ... i love you to the point of my own dysfunction. i'd thank you, even if you didn't welcome me. that might not mean a lot because we're two little people in a spiraling sphere of infinite whatever, but ... one rule: PLEASE TALK TO ME.
i don't love you for being witty, or for being fun or for being a total dweeb. i love you because one night when i thought that i could get you happy by dating a boy we both lost interest in, you talked to me. you told me my same stories in your situation, i heard you more clearly than i have heard much at all: i have loved you ever since.
i love you for talking and telling and feeling and i do not tire of it and i will never ever call it lame.
i will love you for being well and not-so-well when and if this new house thing happens.
i love that you're not smoking and i hope that you're not sneering, cause that's jus mean when i dribble valuable vulnerable love-blood all over a comment.
Please don't take me for granted (too much).
Please don't limit my access to you because you're scared of rejection, 'cause i'll try REAL hard too if i know you're trying.
i've got a lot of words and few emotions, but you've found the emotions, make it a fair trade and spare me some more stories sometime.
OH!
and i want you to see Take The Lead, my new favorite movie with me and then go to 80's night with me and be all kinds of drunk so we have no choice to just be ourselves.
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