we'll collect the moments one by one, i guess thats how the future's done..
thank god i voluntarily woke up at 6:45, cause my clock was set on PM instead of AM. so much for my alarm. im not gonna lie, it was a struggle to walk down the stairs this morning, i was so fucking tired. its amazing what caffine can do. heh. i walked to the coffee co and read through the paper. then listened to some Metric while walking to my dad's office on S. Carroll street. metric is pretty motivating. i wish i was emily haines. she's hot and she plays keyword like a fiend and gets to dance around onstage while people marvel at her never-ending energy. so i've called a couple places about office jobs they're hiring for. later this afternoon im going to visit some restaurants and fill out apps. job hunting is a bitch, but i really want a full time job, or two part times. either one will suffice. i think im also going to try and take some summer classes at fcc, cause im way behind in credits. i need to get my BS and failing out of fall semester didnt really help. luckily it was only one psych class. i think it would be really cool to be a middle school guidance counselor. cause kids that age really need help; i remember middle school being hell for me, at least. most people i talk to about the subject tend to agree. im re-reading "Like the Red Panda" right now, which focuses on suicide.
my dad says he would love to see me get back into theatre. i never really thought i had "gotten out" of it, seeing as i listen to some sort of showtune every day and im constantly singing. but i see what he means- i thrive in that environment. ive been contemplating the idea of starting my own little theatre program for younger kids, like 5th through 8th grade. or starting a jazz company. either one would be way fun. i like being in charge of projects. im good at taking the lead. dont confuse my confidence with cockiness. im anything but full of myself. i just know what im good at and also what im not. like tennis. i suck at tennis.
last night evan and i played at the courts on 2nd street in the dark for a few minutes. then we found an ON switch. so we pressed it. it felt illegal and fun. but then we were kinda worried about the po-po getting pissed at us. so we turned the lights off and went to the coffee co. we saw emilyEFFINconRAD and hung out with her. she is one amazing girl. i mean that. she was even nice enough to drive me home. we talked for a long time in my driveway. i never really noticed before how alike we are. i mean besides the obvious fact that we're going through the same situation with our respective "guys". or lack thereof, i suppose you could say.
i know this is long, but i havent really had the time or motivation to write like this for a long time. so bear with me. or not. either way, im going to keep typing.
this past week has made me think a lot. about the value of life. with the whole melissa thing yesterday and then last night after talking with emily, i realized that i really like life. i like living and feeling like im alive to my fullest potential. i like when i feel good for no reason. sometimes when i used to think it might be better if i werent around, i really did feel utterly helpless. i think it was learned helplessness though. cause while i have really loving parents, and grew up in a secure household, they didnt just give me whatever i wanted, when i wanted it. i didnt grow up being taught helplessness. they knew when to say no [and did, quite often], and taught me the value of working to get what you want. somewhere along the way, i abandoned those principles and taught myself to just give up. to stop trying, stop working to get anything. but i still expected to get what i wanted. i dont know exactly when or how this state of mind embodied me. i guess whats important is that i now acknowledge it and want to fix it. i know that it will take a conscious effort to change. for once, i am comforted by change.
my cousin [who has an internship here at my dad's office] is coming in soon, so i am going to switch computers. more to come later, for sure.
love.
my dad says he would love to see me get back into theatre. i never really thought i had "gotten out" of it, seeing as i listen to some sort of showtune every day and im constantly singing. but i see what he means- i thrive in that environment. ive been contemplating the idea of starting my own little theatre program for younger kids, like 5th through 8th grade. or starting a jazz company. either one would be way fun. i like being in charge of projects. im good at taking the lead. dont confuse my confidence with cockiness. im anything but full of myself. i just know what im good at and also what im not. like tennis. i suck at tennis.
last night evan and i played at the courts on 2nd street in the dark for a few minutes. then we found an ON switch. so we pressed it. it felt illegal and fun. but then we were kinda worried about the po-po getting pissed at us. so we turned the lights off and went to the coffee co. we saw emilyEFFINconRAD and hung out with her. she is one amazing girl. i mean that. she was even nice enough to drive me home. we talked for a long time in my driveway. i never really noticed before how alike we are. i mean besides the obvious fact that we're going through the same situation with our respective "guys". or lack thereof, i suppose you could say.
i know this is long, but i havent really had the time or motivation to write like this for a long time. so bear with me. or not. either way, im going to keep typing.
this past week has made me think a lot. about the value of life. with the whole melissa thing yesterday and then last night after talking with emily, i realized that i really like life. i like living and feeling like im alive to my fullest potential. i like when i feel good for no reason. sometimes when i used to think it might be better if i werent around, i really did feel utterly helpless. i think it was learned helplessness though. cause while i have really loving parents, and grew up in a secure household, they didnt just give me whatever i wanted, when i wanted it. i didnt grow up being taught helplessness. they knew when to say no [and did, quite often], and taught me the value of working to get what you want. somewhere along the way, i abandoned those principles and taught myself to just give up. to stop trying, stop working to get anything. but i still expected to get what i wanted. i dont know exactly when or how this state of mind embodied me. i guess whats important is that i now acknowledge it and want to fix it. i know that it will take a conscious effort to change. for once, i am comforted by change.
my cousin [who has an internship here at my dad's office] is coming in soon, so i am going to switch computers. more to come later, for sure.
love.