There's a time to be honest
I am writing with the regret of having sad news, though I ask you not to be all too concerned - all is well or will be well soon. Life is a struggle - that is something I have learned.
Well you know me I am always down and trying to get through everyday life with this kind of shadow over me. Well this year has been particularly difficult for me, with deciding what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life and feeling like I have no real plan of getting there, the extreme distance between my father and I, Uncle Scott getting engaged, and I was suspended for something I did not do, which also had me expelled from any extra curricular to do with the arts, and destroyed a very close relationship in my life. Then I got into a very dangerous relationship with a married man, and maybe I am just asking for trouble but it got to be a lot more than I could handle. Plus the added stress of work and school and co-op, and trying to get to all my counselling appointments. With all this and the run run run lifestyle I have been living, I have also noticed that even when I am not triggered or stressed I am still down, I have been feeling constantly like I am being suffocated and that everything is hopeless and I honestly don't see much hope for the future - everyone says that my life is just beginning and I feel more like I have been coming towards a road block. I want to be honest with you here you all seem so independent and free and you show such an aura of success and I really look up to that. Last week I made an attempt to end my life, which was interrupted by a phone call from someone from my school calling concerned that I wasn't ok. I never told her my plans but she could tell I was more than just upset and we made a plan that if I made it through that night she would take me to the hospital the following day, that’s were I spent the past week. I slept for basically 5 days straight, I was up from some meals, and visitor hours and slept through the nights. In the hospital they didn't do much for me, just observed and made an attempt at a diagnosis, and now I am home - still dealing with the same stresses, the difference is that I have had a lot of rest and a lot of time to think. I know I want to get better, and I know that I struggle because I have a personality disordered and need to be medicated probably for the rest of my life, and I am taking it easy this week, and getting to my counselling and waiting for my meds to work - I am taking a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and a sedative. I am concerned about the addictiveness of these pills and the fact that I take so much - 4 pills a day, but I know one thing and one thing only - I will get better because have hit the lowest possible low I could have hit. if you'd asked me where I'd be a today 2 weeks ago I would have thought that I would be dead.
I have kept myself at a safe distance from you because I fell I always bring everyone down with my problems, but one of my problems is that I have pushed everyone away and when I need someone I have no one. I am attempting to rebuild a strong support system, and I am going to be so much better than I am and when I get there I want to be able to say "Guys through all the shit I did it"
Well you know me I am always down and trying to get through everyday life with this kind of shadow over me. Well this year has been particularly difficult for me, with deciding what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life and feeling like I have no real plan of getting there, the extreme distance between my father and I, Uncle Scott getting engaged, and I was suspended for something I did not do, which also had me expelled from any extra curricular to do with the arts, and destroyed a very close relationship in my life. Then I got into a very dangerous relationship with a married man, and maybe I am just asking for trouble but it got to be a lot more than I could handle. Plus the added stress of work and school and co-op, and trying to get to all my counselling appointments. With all this and the run run run lifestyle I have been living, I have also noticed that even when I am not triggered or stressed I am still down, I have been feeling constantly like I am being suffocated and that everything is hopeless and I honestly don't see much hope for the future - everyone says that my life is just beginning and I feel more like I have been coming towards a road block. I want to be honest with you here you all seem so independent and free and you show such an aura of success and I really look up to that. Last week I made an attempt to end my life, which was interrupted by a phone call from someone from my school calling concerned that I wasn't ok. I never told her my plans but she could tell I was more than just upset and we made a plan that if I made it through that night she would take me to the hospital the following day, that’s were I spent the past week. I slept for basically 5 days straight, I was up from some meals, and visitor hours and slept through the nights. In the hospital they didn't do much for me, just observed and made an attempt at a diagnosis, and now I am home - still dealing with the same stresses, the difference is that I have had a lot of rest and a lot of time to think. I know I want to get better, and I know that I struggle because I have a personality disordered and need to be medicated probably for the rest of my life, and I am taking it easy this week, and getting to my counselling and waiting for my meds to work - I am taking a mood stabilizer, an anti-depressant, and a sedative. I am concerned about the addictiveness of these pills and the fact that I take so much - 4 pills a day, but I know one thing and one thing only - I will get better because have hit the lowest possible low I could have hit. if you'd asked me where I'd be a today 2 weeks ago I would have thought that I would be dead.
I have kept myself at a safe distance from you because I fell I always bring everyone down with my problems, but one of my problems is that I have pushed everyone away and when I need someone I have no one. I am attempting to rebuild a strong support system, and I am going to be so much better than I am and when I get there I want to be able to say "Guys through all the shit I did it"