rule #37: never doubt your prowess; a zombieland fic.
rule #37: never doubt your prowess, a columbus/wichita (zombieland) fic, pg-13
It’s a long night of driving for our fearless quartet, and Columbus and Wichita discuss some important things to stay awake. Written for my darlingest Leah (professor_spork) as part of my Jesusmas Advent Calendar.
“You know, it still boggles me that you can be so good with that shotgun of yours and somehow still retain all of your neuroses,” said Wichita. “When our backs are against the wall and there’s blood-encrusted maniacs rushing at us, you can take out the leaders without flinching-too much. And you hardly ever run away screaming like a Girl Scout any more.” (1,713 words)
“Columbus?”
He jerked slightly in the passenger seat, waking from his doze. “Hmm?” he mumbled, smacking his lips. It had been an incredibly long and violent day-his shoulder ached from the repetitive recoil of his shotgun.
“Do me a favor?”
“…As long as it doesn’t involve getting out of the car or waking Tallahassee, sure,” he said slowly.
“Can you just… Talk to me? Keep me awake?”
“Uh, okay.” He straightened up in his seat, readjusting his seatbelt to a more comfortable angle. “If you’re not up to driving, I can just wake Tallahassee.”
“Thought you just said you didn’t want to wake him,” she pointed out dryly.
“Yeah, well, you know me. I live on the edge.”
She laughed at that. “No, it’s okay. I can make it for another hour or so. Florida needs his sleep. Never thought I’d see the day when someone would have the balls to attack a zombie with a weed whacker.”
“Pretty sure not even James Bond could rival Tallahassee when it comes to being an utterly reckless badass motherfucker,” Columbus agreed readily. “I’m really glad he’s on our side.”
“You ever watch him around my sister?” she asked quietly, glancing into the rearview mirror. Little Rock was currently curled up against the snoring behemoth in question; they were both wearing the blissful expressions of a dreamless sleep. “He’s like a giant panda bear.”
“…Don’t they sometimes roll over on their young and crush them in their sleep?”
“Ugh, gross, thanks,” she said, reaching over to punch his arm. “Thanks for ruining panda bears for me.”
He rubbed ruefully at his arm. “I never would have pegged you as a girl who liked pandas,” he said.
“Oh? What kind of animals would you have pegged me as liking?”
“Uh… Hawks. Tigers. The mongoose.”
“The mongoose?” she repeated incredulously. “Please explain that one for me.”
“They’re only about the most badass creatures in the animal kingdom,” Columbus said defensively. “They actually go out looking for cobras and pick fights with them. Just for the hell of it.”
“Sounds like a miniature Tallahassee in weasel form. I must admit, that is pretty bad ass,” she said thoughtfully.
“Thank you. Also, I may have had a semi-unhealthy obsession with Rikki Tikki Tavi when I was a kid.”
“You are something else, Columbus,” she said with a shake of her head.
“Something good or something bad? Or did you mean something embarrassingly geeky and awkward, because if so I have to agree with you.”
“You know, it still boggles me that you can be so good with that shotgun of yours and somehow still retain all of your neuroses,” said Wichita. “When our backs are against the wall and there’s blood-encrusted maniacs rushing at us, you can take out the leaders without flinching-too much. And you hardly ever run away screaming like a Girl Scout any more.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“Seriously, though,” she said, glancing over at him. “You’re like… A muppet Rambo.”
“…Okay, it’s your turn to explain.”
She laughed. “You’re like Kermit, if Kermit knew how to handle a gun. You’re all cute and sweet and a bit weird and when you get excited you flail your arms a little-”
“I do not flail!”
“You do, too! Don’t even try to fucking deny it, because I saw that little shimmy dance you did when we were stopped at Captain Kirk’s birthplace and you thought no one was looking.”
“You can’t hold that against me; I’ve dreamed about going there since I was four years old and could first do this properly.” He held up his hand in the traditional Vulcan salute.
“I never said I held it against you-I thought it was really cute, actually.”
“Really?”
“Why does that always surprise you? Yes, Columbus: I think you’re cute. Your curly hair is cute and that doofus smile you have is cute and you’re really cute when you’re tripping over your pants.”
Columbus’ fidgeted in his seat, doing his best impression of a tomato. He glanced back quickly, making sure Tallahassee was still solidly asleep.
“You know, I’m pretty sure he knows already,” Wichita said dryly. “He is your wingman, after all.”
“I’ve always kind of thought of him as my semi-retarded bodyguard robot,” Columbus said, but only after making doubly sure that Tallahassee was still oblivious to the world.
“Anyway, I’m sure he’d like to think he orchestrated the whole evening-he was about as subtle as a soap opera villain when he offered to take Little Rock out ‘shopping’ for a new gun.”
“It was a nice night though,” Columbus said with a smile. “…It was, wasn’t it?”
“Columbus, it was great,” she assured him.
“I mean, I know I’m a little clumsy, and I’m still really sorry about bumping your head like that-I’m sure, if I just had a bit more practice,” he said quickly, tripping over his words.
Her hand stretched over the gear shift and grabbed the hand that was plucking nervously at the leg of his jeans. “Columbus,” she said firmly, dead serious. “It was a really nice night, and I really enjoyed myself. Completely. Totally. On a lot of different levels.”
“It’s just… You know the sort of guy I was before all of this. World of Warcraft. Coulrophobia. Ziplock baggies for everything.”
She heard everything he didn’t say: “I was a loser. I was shy and quiet and stuttered around girls and I’d only been kissed twice before I met you. And once was by a sorority chick who was stupid drunk at the time and mistook me for her friend’s boyfriend, so it’s not like that even counted. I was a twenty-two year old virgin terrified that you were going to start laughing, and that’s why I bumped your head hard enough to leave a lump.”
“Columbus, I’ve got some confessions to make,” she said.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I know you’ve got this picture of me in your head as some sort of hard ass rebel chick, but that’s not 100% accurate. I mean, yeah, I may have participated in some con acts in the past, and I may have gotten arrested in Milwaukee. But all of that was for my sister. When our parents died, I tried to get legal guardianship of her-I didn’t want her getting lost in the foster system. But the court said I hadn’t ‘displayed a proper amount of dependability’ by their standards. They were going to take her away. All because I hadn’t held down the same job for more than three months. So we took off. Have I told you yet that I was a theater geek? Yeah, I was,” she nodded vigorously at his gaping mouth and disbelieving eyes. “All of those con acts I pulled-I was terrified of getting caught, but I hid it by playing a role every time. She was counting on me; I couldn’t let my sister down.”
“…Were you in the glee club, too?”
“The whole she-bang,” she said. “I had braces for three years, too. First three years of high school. And I used to work at a diner where everyone had to wear paper hats and bow ties. Definitely not my look.”
“Wichita, are you telling me you were a geek?”
“No, I’m telling you that I was fucking awesome. And a geek. And that I understand completely. I lost my virginity to a guy named Randy. Randy, for fuck’s sake. And it was in the back of his mom’s van. A pretty far cry from ‘sexy’ or ‘dangerous’.”
“Are you shitting me?”
“Nope. No shitting going on here.”
“Then can I just say that you are the best actress I’ve ever seen because, wow. I was sure that your first boyfriend was some hardcore guy named Jake who rode a motorcycle.”
“No, that was my second boyfriend.”
“…So-”
“Columbus, you rocked my world,” she cut him off, squeezing his hand. “Whatever you lack in experience you made up for with sheer enthusiasm and sweetness. And when I think back to my past boyfriends, I have to say: you’re easily the coolest one I’ve ever had.”
The smile on his face practically lit up the entire car. “…Wow.”
“Mm-hmm. No lie. None of my other boyfriends knew how to handle a shotgun. And none of them would have killed a clown for me.”
“It had to be done,” Columbus said modestly, slipping his fingers through hers. “I feel like I’ve really grown as a person since.”
“No more coulrophobia?”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“Hey, when’re we gonna stop next?” Tallahassee’s unexpected question made them both jump.
“Uh, you feeling ‘cooped up’?” Columbus asked nervously.
“Yeah, a bit,” he said, stretching his arms over Little Rock’s head with a creak of leather. “Let’s find us a Wal-Mart. I’ve always wanted to go apeshit in a Wal-Mart.”
“That sound be an easy order to fill,” Wichita said.
Twenty minutes later they had pulled into a deserted parking lot. The automated doors had been shattered, and various leaves and other debris had blown into the entryway. There was blood smeared across several of the windows.
“There’s probably going to be a lot of them in there,” Wichita said thoughtfully.
“Then I say we hit up the sportin’ goods department first,” Tallahassee said. “I could stand to pick up a couple more bats. Little Rock, how’s about you stay here, be our getaway driver?”
“Yeah, okay,” she said sleepily, rubbing at her eyes. “Can you bring me back some Fruit Roll-Ups?”
“Sure thing,” he promised. He offered her a knuckle, which she promptly bumped, and opened the car door. “C’mon, Columbus, Wichita.”
As the three set off, Tallahassee grabbed Columbus by the arm and pulled him back a step. “Not that I was eavesdroppin’ on your conversation or nothin’,” he prefaced with a smile. “But I just wanted to let you know that she was bein’ completely honest with you.”
“How do you know?” Columbus hissed, embarrassed.
“I saw the look on her face when we got back that night,” Tallahassee said, his smile twisting into a knowing grin. “You sure wallpapered her closet.” He slapped him on the back and laughed, pushing him ahead. “Go on, watch your girl’s back now.”
It’s a long night of driving for our fearless quartet, and Columbus and Wichita discuss some important things to stay awake. Written for my darlingest Leah (professor_spork) as part of my Jesusmas Advent Calendar.
“You know, it still boggles me that you can be so good with that shotgun of yours and somehow still retain all of your neuroses,” said Wichita. “When our backs are against the wall and there’s blood-encrusted maniacs rushing at us, you can take out the leaders without flinching-too much. And you hardly ever run away screaming like a Girl Scout any more.” (1,713 words)
“Columbus?”
He jerked slightly in the passenger seat, waking from his doze. “Hmm?” he mumbled, smacking his lips. It had been an incredibly long and violent day-his shoulder ached from the repetitive recoil of his shotgun.
“Do me a favor?”
“…As long as it doesn’t involve getting out of the car or waking Tallahassee, sure,” he said slowly.
“Can you just… Talk to me? Keep me awake?”
“Uh, okay.” He straightened up in his seat, readjusting his seatbelt to a more comfortable angle. “If you’re not up to driving, I can just wake Tallahassee.”
“Thought you just said you didn’t want to wake him,” she pointed out dryly.
“Yeah, well, you know me. I live on the edge.”
She laughed at that. “No, it’s okay. I can make it for another hour or so. Florida needs his sleep. Never thought I’d see the day when someone would have the balls to attack a zombie with a weed whacker.”
“Pretty sure not even James Bond could rival Tallahassee when it comes to being an utterly reckless badass motherfucker,” Columbus agreed readily. “I’m really glad he’s on our side.”
“You ever watch him around my sister?” she asked quietly, glancing into the rearview mirror. Little Rock was currently curled up against the snoring behemoth in question; they were both wearing the blissful expressions of a dreamless sleep. “He’s like a giant panda bear.”
“…Don’t they sometimes roll over on their young and crush them in their sleep?”
“Ugh, gross, thanks,” she said, reaching over to punch his arm. “Thanks for ruining panda bears for me.”
He rubbed ruefully at his arm. “I never would have pegged you as a girl who liked pandas,” he said.
“Oh? What kind of animals would you have pegged me as liking?”
“Uh… Hawks. Tigers. The mongoose.”
“The mongoose?” she repeated incredulously. “Please explain that one for me.”
“They’re only about the most badass creatures in the animal kingdom,” Columbus said defensively. “They actually go out looking for cobras and pick fights with them. Just for the hell of it.”
“Sounds like a miniature Tallahassee in weasel form. I must admit, that is pretty bad ass,” she said thoughtfully.
“Thank you. Also, I may have had a semi-unhealthy obsession with Rikki Tikki Tavi when I was a kid.”
“You are something else, Columbus,” she said with a shake of her head.
“Something good or something bad? Or did you mean something embarrassingly geeky and awkward, because if so I have to agree with you.”
“You know, it still boggles me that you can be so good with that shotgun of yours and somehow still retain all of your neuroses,” said Wichita. “When our backs are against the wall and there’s blood-encrusted maniacs rushing at us, you can take out the leaders without flinching-too much. And you hardly ever run away screaming like a Girl Scout any more.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“Seriously, though,” she said, glancing over at him. “You’re like… A muppet Rambo.”
“…Okay, it’s your turn to explain.”
She laughed. “You’re like Kermit, if Kermit knew how to handle a gun. You’re all cute and sweet and a bit weird and when you get excited you flail your arms a little-”
“I do not flail!”
“You do, too! Don’t even try to fucking deny it, because I saw that little shimmy dance you did when we were stopped at Captain Kirk’s birthplace and you thought no one was looking.”
“You can’t hold that against me; I’ve dreamed about going there since I was four years old and could first do this properly.” He held up his hand in the traditional Vulcan salute.
“I never said I held it against you-I thought it was really cute, actually.”
“Really?”
“Why does that always surprise you? Yes, Columbus: I think you’re cute. Your curly hair is cute and that doofus smile you have is cute and you’re really cute when you’re tripping over your pants.”
Columbus’ fidgeted in his seat, doing his best impression of a tomato. He glanced back quickly, making sure Tallahassee was still solidly asleep.
“You know, I’m pretty sure he knows already,” Wichita said dryly. “He is your wingman, after all.”
“I’ve always kind of thought of him as my semi-retarded bodyguard robot,” Columbus said, but only after making doubly sure that Tallahassee was still oblivious to the world.
“Anyway, I’m sure he’d like to think he orchestrated the whole evening-he was about as subtle as a soap opera villain when he offered to take Little Rock out ‘shopping’ for a new gun.”
“It was a nice night though,” Columbus said with a smile. “…It was, wasn’t it?”
“Columbus, it was great,” she assured him.
“I mean, I know I’m a little clumsy, and I’m still really sorry about bumping your head like that-I’m sure, if I just had a bit more practice,” he said quickly, tripping over his words.
Her hand stretched over the gear shift and grabbed the hand that was plucking nervously at the leg of his jeans. “Columbus,” she said firmly, dead serious. “It was a really nice night, and I really enjoyed myself. Completely. Totally. On a lot of different levels.”
“It’s just… You know the sort of guy I was before all of this. World of Warcraft. Coulrophobia. Ziplock baggies for everything.”
She heard everything he didn’t say: “I was a loser. I was shy and quiet and stuttered around girls and I’d only been kissed twice before I met you. And once was by a sorority chick who was stupid drunk at the time and mistook me for her friend’s boyfriend, so it’s not like that even counted. I was a twenty-two year old virgin terrified that you were going to start laughing, and that’s why I bumped your head hard enough to leave a lump.”
“Columbus, I’ve got some confessions to make,” she said.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I know you’ve got this picture of me in your head as some sort of hard ass rebel chick, but that’s not 100% accurate. I mean, yeah, I may have participated in some con acts in the past, and I may have gotten arrested in Milwaukee. But all of that was for my sister. When our parents died, I tried to get legal guardianship of her-I didn’t want her getting lost in the foster system. But the court said I hadn’t ‘displayed a proper amount of dependability’ by their standards. They were going to take her away. All because I hadn’t held down the same job for more than three months. So we took off. Have I told you yet that I was a theater geek? Yeah, I was,” she nodded vigorously at his gaping mouth and disbelieving eyes. “All of those con acts I pulled-I was terrified of getting caught, but I hid it by playing a role every time. She was counting on me; I couldn’t let my sister down.”
“…Were you in the glee club, too?”
“The whole she-bang,” she said. “I had braces for three years, too. First three years of high school. And I used to work at a diner where everyone had to wear paper hats and bow ties. Definitely not my look.”
“Wichita, are you telling me you were a geek?”
“No, I’m telling you that I was fucking awesome. And a geek. And that I understand completely. I lost my virginity to a guy named Randy. Randy, for fuck’s sake. And it was in the back of his mom’s van. A pretty far cry from ‘sexy’ or ‘dangerous’.”
“Are you shitting me?”
“Nope. No shitting going on here.”
“Then can I just say that you are the best actress I’ve ever seen because, wow. I was sure that your first boyfriend was some hardcore guy named Jake who rode a motorcycle.”
“No, that was my second boyfriend.”
“…So-”
“Columbus, you rocked my world,” she cut him off, squeezing his hand. “Whatever you lack in experience you made up for with sheer enthusiasm and sweetness. And when I think back to my past boyfriends, I have to say: you’re easily the coolest one I’ve ever had.”
The smile on his face practically lit up the entire car. “…Wow.”
“Mm-hmm. No lie. None of my other boyfriends knew how to handle a shotgun. And none of them would have killed a clown for me.”
“It had to be done,” Columbus said modestly, slipping his fingers through hers. “I feel like I’ve really grown as a person since.”
“No more coulrophobia?”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“Hey, when’re we gonna stop next?” Tallahassee’s unexpected question made them both jump.
“Uh, you feeling ‘cooped up’?” Columbus asked nervously.
“Yeah, a bit,” he said, stretching his arms over Little Rock’s head with a creak of leather. “Let’s find us a Wal-Mart. I’ve always wanted to go apeshit in a Wal-Mart.”
“That sound be an easy order to fill,” Wichita said.
Twenty minutes later they had pulled into a deserted parking lot. The automated doors had been shattered, and various leaves and other debris had blown into the entryway. There was blood smeared across several of the windows.
“There’s probably going to be a lot of them in there,” Wichita said thoughtfully.
“Then I say we hit up the sportin’ goods department first,” Tallahassee said. “I could stand to pick up a couple more bats. Little Rock, how’s about you stay here, be our getaway driver?”
“Yeah, okay,” she said sleepily, rubbing at her eyes. “Can you bring me back some Fruit Roll-Ups?”
“Sure thing,” he promised. He offered her a knuckle, which she promptly bumped, and opened the car door. “C’mon, Columbus, Wichita.”
As the three set off, Tallahassee grabbed Columbus by the arm and pulled him back a step. “Not that I was eavesdroppin’ on your conversation or nothin’,” he prefaced with a smile. “But I just wanted to let you know that she was bein’ completely honest with you.”
“How do you know?” Columbus hissed, embarrassed.
“I saw the look on her face when we got back that night,” Tallahassee said, his smile twisting into a knowing grin. “You sure wallpapered her closet.” He slapped him on the back and laughed, pushing him ahead. “Go on, watch your girl’s back now.”