(no subject)
I found my muse back. But I'm not ready to write a goodbye-song, so I'm trying to forget the words. It doesn't feel of any use to write a song at the moment, I always wanted it to be a song for him. The first one. A song to show him how I feel and how special he is to me. And it would be a song like that, but he wouldn't appreciate it as he should, maybe. I would be scared he wouldn't like it. I would be scared he'd just sit there silent, without saying anything about it, or maybe just commenting on the phrases I used. Whenever I wrote something, I used to be proud & wanted to let him read it and share it. Now I don't know if he would be proud in any way. I don't even know if I should write things about him. Let alone for him. But it still feels like I do.
It's a shame to think of all the nice things he will do with Thomas now, that I used to dream about doing with him. He'll share his summervacation with him, while we fantasized about going together. He will share his may-vacation with him, while I should have stayed over there and finally share a bath with him, because that is what I always dreamt of, those 6 months.
I don't know what I missed as a person for him to not stay with me. I did a lot to please him, I got over some hurtful times we had together & never blamed him for anything.
I had sex with Thijs Tuesday. It's not that I regret anything I did, because I always loved to be able to feel him move and know he felt what I did, and just have him so close to me. He asked me if I disliked it, and I said I didn't mind, and I really didn't. I always loved to be able to give him pleasure. He told me he couldn't stay and lay beside me long like I always liked so much, because he was already late, and he should've left 45 minutes ago by then, so that was true. But that next time he would certainly give me all the time I wanted to lay beside him. There were so many things I wanted to whisper, there under the blankets, to him. There were still so many things I dreamt about doing, about saying, about sharing.
But I never got that chance to lay beside him as long as I wanted, or to share those things, because a day later he decided... a day later.
Everytime I think about things like this, I hurt & cry. I never wanted it to go like this. And I'll never be this close to a boy again. He can feel he doesn't love me in that way anymore, but he should've tried, I still believe that in the end he should've fought harder for me. And he can tell me he doesn't love me anymore, but I still love him, and I still believe that we should be sharing our lifes together.
Just like I cried yesterday, writing down a few lines, for a lyric, but it felt so wrong. And I am not ready to wish that he'll be happy, because for now I think from somewhere inside I only want him to feel regret and see what he is missing. It's not like I am an ugly, unlovable girl. Somewhere I believe I am beautiful and worth it.
Iris
It's a shame to think of all the nice things he will do with Thomas now, that I used to dream about doing with him. He'll share his summervacation with him, while we fantasized about going together. He will share his may-vacation with him, while I should have stayed over there and finally share a bath with him, because that is what I always dreamt of, those 6 months.
I don't know what I missed as a person for him to not stay with me. I did a lot to please him, I got over some hurtful times we had together & never blamed him for anything.
I had sex with Thijs Tuesday. It's not that I regret anything I did, because I always loved to be able to feel him move and know he felt what I did, and just have him so close to me. He asked me if I disliked it, and I said I didn't mind, and I really didn't. I always loved to be able to give him pleasure. He told me he couldn't stay and lay beside me long like I always liked so much, because he was already late, and he should've left 45 minutes ago by then, so that was true. But that next time he would certainly give me all the time I wanted to lay beside him. There were so many things I wanted to whisper, there under the blankets, to him. There were still so many things I dreamt about doing, about saying, about sharing.
But I never got that chance to lay beside him as long as I wanted, or to share those things, because a day later he decided... a day later.
Everytime I think about things like this, I hurt & cry. I never wanted it to go like this. And I'll never be this close to a boy again. He can feel he doesn't love me in that way anymore, but he should've tried, I still believe that in the end he should've fought harder for me. And he can tell me he doesn't love me anymore, but I still love him, and I still believe that we should be sharing our lifes together.
Just like I cried yesterday, writing down a few lines, for a lyric, but it felt so wrong. And I am not ready to wish that he'll be happy, because for now I think from somewhere inside I only want him to feel regret and see what he is missing. It's not like I am an ugly, unlovable girl. Somewhere I believe I am beautiful and worth it.
Iris