(no subject)
Sometimes I just don't know if I can go through this again. I know I have to. But I don't know if I can. I lived on the dreams I had in mind. The things I wanted to do in the future. I lived and feltlike a flower every time something happened that I had always dreamt of. The last months he used to be the boyfriend I always dreamt of. I wonder if I have ever been like that to him. Ever been close to something like that.
He tells me I look like an elf, that I have the goodness, the looks, the warmth and the emotions of an elf. That I am beautiful and that I shouldn't stop shining because of him. That I have been very important to him, that I have done nothing wrong. He tells me he wants to be my best friend and wants to be there for me whenever I need him. And I want him to be. I mean: I've shared so much with him, I can't ban him out of my life.
But it's not like I'll ever get rid of my other feelings for him. When I had to take a walk with my family yesterday.. I could only think of him. That I only wanted to lay in the grass with him in the summer, that I always thought that I was the one that made him happy (He told me I was), but I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted to share my frist time sleeping with someone with him. It's not like I could do that already, because I was always too tense. But I did as much as I could to please him.
My parents tell me that ofcourse I have been important to him, because I did everything for him, I was there whenever he needed me.
I don't know what to think. It feels as if I will never get over him. And maybe I don't want to. I don't even know what I want anymore. That's the whole point, I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel. I just know that I'm lost.
I dreamt about him last night. He had his arms around me and kissed me, not a french kiss or anything, but just those little kisses. And it confused me. I don't want to miss the warmth we had. I don't want to miss the warmth. His brotherly arms around me, his comforting, loving arms around me. The arms that I could fall asleep in without worrying what would come, without being afraid of getting hurt or being afraid of the outside world. The thought that there was finally someone who appreciated me, who loved me. Just the thought that there was someone was comforting, made me feel happy.
I don't know what I have to miss and what I don't have to miss.
But somewhere I want him to regret that he has broken up with me. I want him to see that he left something beautiful behind. Even though I find it hard to believe in my own beauty.
I need someone else to see, to make me feel worth something again. I know it's not that I wasn't good enough for Thijs, he has told me so many times. But why else?
Iris
He tells me I look like an elf, that I have the goodness, the looks, the warmth and the emotions of an elf. That I am beautiful and that I shouldn't stop shining because of him. That I have been very important to him, that I have done nothing wrong. He tells me he wants to be my best friend and wants to be there for me whenever I need him. And I want him to be. I mean: I've shared so much with him, I can't ban him out of my life.
But it's not like I'll ever get rid of my other feelings for him. When I had to take a walk with my family yesterday.. I could only think of him. That I only wanted to lay in the grass with him in the summer, that I always thought that I was the one that made him happy (He told me I was), but I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted to share my frist time sleeping with someone with him. It's not like I could do that already, because I was always too tense. But I did as much as I could to please him.
My parents tell me that ofcourse I have been important to him, because I did everything for him, I was there whenever he needed me.
I don't know what to think. It feels as if I will never get over him. And maybe I don't want to. I don't even know what I want anymore. That's the whole point, I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel. I just know that I'm lost.
I dreamt about him last night. He had his arms around me and kissed me, not a french kiss or anything, but just those little kisses. And it confused me. I don't want to miss the warmth we had. I don't want to miss the warmth. His brotherly arms around me, his comforting, loving arms around me. The arms that I could fall asleep in without worrying what would come, without being afraid of getting hurt or being afraid of the outside world. The thought that there was finally someone who appreciated me, who loved me. Just the thought that there was someone was comforting, made me feel happy.
I don't know what I have to miss and what I don't have to miss.
But somewhere I want him to regret that he has broken up with me. I want him to see that he left something beautiful behind. Even though I find it hard to believe in my own beauty.
I need someone else to see, to make me feel worth something again. I know it's not that I wasn't good enough for Thijs, he has told me so many times. But why else?
Iris