(no subject)
So I really don't fucking understand why is it is that I cry so much over you. -shakes head- I think it's because I am hurting right now. I am emotionally overwhelmed with my entire life and the ONE person that I need isn't even on the same page that I am.
I just want you to know that I love you so fucking much. I feel like such a broken record when I say that ALL THE FUCKING TIME, but you have no idea how much I mean it. I wish that I could just bottle up all of the feelings I have for you and give them to you so that maybe then you could see how much I love you; how much I want to be with you; how much I am dying inside for you to love me again. I hate Hate HATE it when you tell me that you feel like we are drifting. Of course, I automatically feel like it's my fault. You keep trying to reassure me that it's not. So that means that you are feeling distant. I just want to know why? Why is this happening? You told me that you wish we had a reset button so we can legit go back and start things over. What made you think that? What makes you feel like that? Why can't you just let the past be in the past and let me prove to you that I'm not going to hurt you again? You know, you see me in my happy go lucky fantastic moods, because that's who I am when I am lucky enough to be graced with you presence. Sometimes, I really wish you could see me when you aren't around. I really don't like that idea though, because I'm miserable when you aren't around and I know that you don't like seeing me when I'm upset. That's all I ever am. I had the most fantastic weekend (despite the fact that you weren't here with me). You bitch at me all the time for me not having anything to say. I have SOOO much to tell you and I don't get the opportunity to talk to you. I'm really hoping that there is a legit reason for you not answering me. I'm sure there is, but you and I both know that I'm a fucking basket case and my brain automatically starts running with retarded ideas as to why you aren't answering me. None of them are any kind of logical whatsoever, but it still bothers me. Did you lose your phone again? Do you just not want to talk to me? Are you okay? It's weird when you don't answer me at all. It makes my brain go a million miles a minute, especially when you tell me that we are going to talk. You bitch at me all the time about not doing what I tell you I'm going to do. You didn't even send me any kind of messages during the day to like tell me that you were okay, or to let me know if you're thinking about me, or anything. That really kind of hurts me. . . I know that I've been really annoying with messaging you constantly lately, but it's because you are constantly on my mind and I have random thoughts and you are the first person I want to share them with, because then maybe it will give us something to talk about at some point, or maybe you will think my random thoughts are cute, but you don't. Granted, I have been excessive with it, but you don't even seem to like any of my messages.
I can really agree with you when you say you feel that we're drifting. . . and it kills me; it scares me; it makes my brain run 10 times as fast as it ever did. I feel like you are going to leave me. I have felt like this for quite some time now, hence why I have been trying SOOO FUCKING HARD to not suck, and not be a COMPLETE FUCKING FAILURE in your eyes. . . I just want you to love me again. But I feel like every attempt I've had lately has blown up in my face. I just don't feel like you even care about me as much as you once did.
Or maybe I just feel more strongly about you than I ever did, but I started feeling this way to late. I just wish I knew what was going on. I just wish you could figure out what's going on with you, with us, with everything. I keep telling you, you're the boss. You gotta tell me what you want outta me. At this point, I'm seriously willing do to anything to make it better, to do more than what I have already been trying to do. I would give up everything if it meant that I could have you in my life. Unless you don't want me in yours anymore. I am just tired of being in so much pain. It's bad enough that I feel like a decrepit old man, but then to be suffering so much emotional turmoil only makes it that much worse. I almost would rather you tell me that you want no part in me ever again; that you fucking hate my guts; that if you ever see my face again, you're going to run me over with a semi than deal with feeling unloved and like a fuck up on a constant basis. At least if you were to tell me to go away, I wouldn't sit up waiting for your texts back. I wouldn't be crying my eyes out everyday because we fought, or I didn't do something right, or I said the wrong thing and pissed you off/made you anxious, that I didn't get to talk to you at all.
This is probably completely pointless. There has to be a good reason why you didn't answer. I just hope you didn't lose your phone, but that doesn't explain why you didn't answer me on aim. . . maybe because your internet connection was fucked up all evening -nod-
UGH! I just don't know. I'm just dumb I guess is what it really comes down to. I'm a fucking lost puppy without you. . .it's really pathetic. No wonder you don't like me as much anymore. I wouldn't want to deal with as sad of a story as myself.
-shakes head- This is so dumb. I hate these stupid fucking bi-polar emo moments. They need to stop. Everyday it's like I tell myself that I'm going to be okay, that I'm not going to feel like this anymore, that I'm not going to let shit bring me down, but I can't seem to get out of this habit. I just need some kind of closure on things. I need you to straight up tell me what the fuck it is that you want. This day to day relationship is killing me inside and I feel like I'm being pushed away. Maybe you're aiming for that. Maybe you really don't want to be with me anymore and you just don't know how to tell me because you know that I'll break down all emo like over it. I just wish you could tell me everything that's on your mind. I just wish that you could tell me if you are in this for the long run, or what I could do to change myself so you like me again. That's all I want. I want you to either like me, or tell me to go away.
-sigh- I don't know. I guess I'm done with this. I can barely see through eyefuls of tears and my nose is running down my face.
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I just want you to know that I love you so fucking much. I feel like such a broken record when I say that ALL THE FUCKING TIME, but you have no idea how much I mean it. I wish that I could just bottle up all of the feelings I have for you and give them to you so that maybe then you could see how much I love you; how much I want to be with you; how much I am dying inside for you to love me again. I hate Hate HATE it when you tell me that you feel like we are drifting. Of course, I automatically feel like it's my fault. You keep trying to reassure me that it's not. So that means that you are feeling distant. I just want to know why? Why is this happening? You told me that you wish we had a reset button so we can legit go back and start things over. What made you think that? What makes you feel like that? Why can't you just let the past be in the past and let me prove to you that I'm not going to hurt you again? You know, you see me in my happy go lucky fantastic moods, because that's who I am when I am lucky enough to be graced with you presence. Sometimes, I really wish you could see me when you aren't around. I really don't like that idea though, because I'm miserable when you aren't around and I know that you don't like seeing me when I'm upset. That's all I ever am. I had the most fantastic weekend (despite the fact that you weren't here with me). You bitch at me all the time for me not having anything to say. I have SOOO much to tell you and I don't get the opportunity to talk to you. I'm really hoping that there is a legit reason for you not answering me. I'm sure there is, but you and I both know that I'm a fucking basket case and my brain automatically starts running with retarded ideas as to why you aren't answering me. None of them are any kind of logical whatsoever, but it still bothers me. Did you lose your phone again? Do you just not want to talk to me? Are you okay? It's weird when you don't answer me at all. It makes my brain go a million miles a minute, especially when you tell me that we are going to talk. You bitch at me all the time about not doing what I tell you I'm going to do. You didn't even send me any kind of messages during the day to like tell me that you were okay, or to let me know if you're thinking about me, or anything. That really kind of hurts me. . . I know that I've been really annoying with messaging you constantly lately, but it's because you are constantly on my mind and I have random thoughts and you are the first person I want to share them with, because then maybe it will give us something to talk about at some point, or maybe you will think my random thoughts are cute, but you don't. Granted, I have been excessive with it, but you don't even seem to like any of my messages.
I can really agree with you when you say you feel that we're drifting. . . and it kills me; it scares me; it makes my brain run 10 times as fast as it ever did. I feel like you are going to leave me. I have felt like this for quite some time now, hence why I have been trying SOOO FUCKING HARD to not suck, and not be a COMPLETE FUCKING FAILURE in your eyes. . . I just want you to love me again. But I feel like every attempt I've had lately has blown up in my face. I just don't feel like you even care about me as much as you once did.
Or maybe I just feel more strongly about you than I ever did, but I started feeling this way to late. I just wish I knew what was going on. I just wish you could figure out what's going on with you, with us, with everything. I keep telling you, you're the boss. You gotta tell me what you want outta me. At this point, I'm seriously willing do to anything to make it better, to do more than what I have already been trying to do. I would give up everything if it meant that I could have you in my life. Unless you don't want me in yours anymore. I am just tired of being in so much pain. It's bad enough that I feel like a decrepit old man, but then to be suffering so much emotional turmoil only makes it that much worse. I almost would rather you tell me that you want no part in me ever again; that you fucking hate my guts; that if you ever see my face again, you're going to run me over with a semi than deal with feeling unloved and like a fuck up on a constant basis. At least if you were to tell me to go away, I wouldn't sit up waiting for your texts back. I wouldn't be crying my eyes out everyday because we fought, or I didn't do something right, or I said the wrong thing and pissed you off/made you anxious, that I didn't get to talk to you at all.
This is probably completely pointless. There has to be a good reason why you didn't answer. I just hope you didn't lose your phone, but that doesn't explain why you didn't answer me on aim. . . maybe because your internet connection was fucked up all evening -nod-
UGH! I just don't know. I'm just dumb I guess is what it really comes down to. I'm a fucking lost puppy without you. . .it's really pathetic. No wonder you don't like me as much anymore. I wouldn't want to deal with as sad of a story as myself.
-shakes head- This is so dumb. I hate these stupid fucking bi-polar emo moments. They need to stop. Everyday it's like I tell myself that I'm going to be okay, that I'm not going to feel like this anymore, that I'm not going to let shit bring me down, but I can't seem to get out of this habit. I just need some kind of closure on things. I need you to straight up tell me what the fuck it is that you want. This day to day relationship is killing me inside and I feel like I'm being pushed away. Maybe you're aiming for that. Maybe you really don't want to be with me anymore and you just don't know how to tell me because you know that I'll break down all emo like over it. I just wish you could tell me everything that's on your mind. I just wish that you could tell me if you are in this for the long run, or what I could do to change myself so you like me again. That's all I want. I want you to either like me, or tell me to go away.
-sigh- I don't know. I guess I'm done with this. I can barely see through eyefuls of tears and my nose is running down my face.
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