(no subject)
I leave. I stay out for days on end. I need an escape; an outlet. I need to do something with my life. At this moment, I'm jobless. I really need to go look for something. I have entirely too much time on my hands and not enough to do. I don't even have a hobby haha. I wish I had hemp more than a lot of things. I really want fabric dye as well so I can make some really cool stuff, but hemp alone would honestly do it for me at this point. I like making jewelry and what not and it's keeps me calm. All I do these days is play video games. I realized this evening that I am pretty sure I get so sucked into my game these days because I am trying to hide from everything that's actually going on. I've got so much stress in my head, I am constantly anxious, and everything is getting FAR too out of control; my life is getting out of control. Funny concept, ya? My life is out of control, yet I do nothing with myself haha. Funny. . .
I'm pretty sure that is the problem. I have too much time to think. I sit and ponder over everything going on and the things that could be going different and how am I going to change this, or alter that. I just want to make everything okay. I want to save the world. I want to save myself. I used to be able to function as a normal human being, but I fell out of the work force and into a very spoiled lifestyle...I didn't have to work. All I had to do was keep people happy and my life was covered.
-sigh- I don't know. My mind is all over the fucking place, but I felt the need to do this. I need to start writing again. I feel that I was a little more in control of myself when I actually had an outlet. I'm just far too lazy to actually write these days. I sit down with my pen and notebook, and I blank. I like to type. This is one of those things I really don't need to focus on. I just kind of let my mind wander and my fingers go crazy, and they do all the work for me. I just wish I knew what to write about. I just wish so many fucking things, but wishes are nothing more than a twisted fasination with things that we do not have -snickers- Or something like that, I guess.
-sigh- I really don't know about anything anymore. The only thing that I know is that I'm going to court soon and that I hate my fucking attorney, I need a job more than I need anything else, and I am massively in love with a boy who's life is just as hectic as mine. Let me tell you how difficult that can be. . . haha.
I got lucky and actually got to see him this past weekend. Probably the happiest I've felt in like weeks haha. Things are finally going a little bit better between us. We were mostly fighting so hard because of the fact that we don't get to see each other very often. It's amazing how much of an effect that can have on a person's life. If I don't get to see him for two weeks, I feel like it's the end of the world and that everything is going to come crashing down around me. Then, I got to see him and it was wonderful. We figured SO much out, and just being with him put me in an overall better mood.
And then it was over.
He was gone. . .
I hate Sundays more than ever for that reason: I had to take him home and walk away, and get back into the car with one less person. That was such a shitty time. I hate that we live so ffar frmo eachother. It's not even like we live UBER far away, but 45 minutes is quite the distance when you don't have a car of your own, or any money to pay someone to take me out there. It amazes me that 20 dollars is like a fortune when you don't have anything. I just want things to be okay. I want things to work out with him. I want my life to be better. I just want my old life back. I want to be able to call someone up and be like, "Hey, come have lunch with me. I'm paying" or, "You wanna get drunk? Let's go get a bottle" or being able to just hand someone a twenty and be like "Take me to get my boyfriend". I don't know if people understand how bad it sucks; it hurts; makes you feel to have to pretty much depend on everyone around. Which is dumb. I should be doing the responsible thing and working and being independant. But it is SO hard to find jobs in small ass communities like this. There isn't anything available and, when there is, they want someone with years of experience, or someone that doesn't have giant gauges in their ears, and (being that this is such a small place) a lot of people don't want to hire me because I'm gay. I hate the small town mentality. I hate how my life is going. I need to get some kind of new direction. I need to get back to some kind of schooling. I feel like I'm wasting my brain, and I don't like that. I have always been a learner. I love to find out new things, but I'm not figuring jack shit of anything out by sitting around moping about the fact that I'm not doing anything.
I just don't even know. I feel trapped. I have no money, no car, and the local bus only goes so far. I was searching online for jobs in the area and it seems like all of the jobs available are outside of the bus limits >_<. I just want the hell out of this place. I want to start a life. I NEED to start a life. I'm wasting it away. I get so caught up in the stupid shit that I forget that I'm on a journey. I'm on a journey to being dead so I have to enjoy every step of the way as much as I can.
I need to completely change my thoughts about pretty much everything. I need to quit getting so caught up in being angry or upset, I need to quit crying all the time for no damn reason. I have been doing good with it. It just amuses me that I sit at my friend's house playing video games for days and life is good. I get to my house and sit down in my room, and am trying to listen to music, but I hear a certain song that makes me think a little too hard and it's on. I'm crying. I really think it's because my room is yellow haha. As dumb as that is, my least favourite colour is yellow and being surrounded by it on all sides makes me super anxious.
Hm. Ugh. I don't even know. And of course, my brain is so far gone that I just spent the past 10 minutes in a different tab looking for music and when I came back I had lost the thought that I was working on. Just gone. . . heh, my brain sucks. I need not do so many drugs. Well, I guess I really don't anymore. I think those after effects that everyone always told me about are finally catching up to me and remind me that I'm not invincible -snickers- I feel far from invincible these days. I feel as if I'm far past my years. Sometimes I forget that I'm NOT an eighty year old man -chuckle- I'm in as much pain and I'm just as grouchy -smirk-
But whatever. I'm just tired of things being the way they are. Moral of the story. I need to actually get off my lazy ass and push myself to doing something, anything at this point. I need a legit life haha. I just don't know what I want to push for. See, I really have no idea of anything anymore. I need someone in my life who is at least a little bit logical that can like help me figure my life out. I play therapist for so many people, well damnit it's my turn to get some good advice, or something. Hm. I need like a life councilor haha. I'm so used to helping everyone else live, I feel as though I've forgotten how to do so myself. I just need some inspiration; a little jump start to get me on the right track.
-deep sigh- Wow. I don't even know. I think I'm done for now. My A.D.D. has officially bested me. My tummy is grumbly anyways. Me thinks it's time to go eat something then take a shower. I feel super icky. Blech.
<3
I'm pretty sure that is the problem. I have too much time to think. I sit and ponder over everything going on and the things that could be going different and how am I going to change this, or alter that. I just want to make everything okay. I want to save the world. I want to save myself. I used to be able to function as a normal human being, but I fell out of the work force and into a very spoiled lifestyle...I didn't have to work. All I had to do was keep people happy and my life was covered.
-sigh- I don't know. My mind is all over the fucking place, but I felt the need to do this. I need to start writing again. I feel that I was a little more in control of myself when I actually had an outlet. I'm just far too lazy to actually write these days. I sit down with my pen and notebook, and I blank. I like to type. This is one of those things I really don't need to focus on. I just kind of let my mind wander and my fingers go crazy, and they do all the work for me. I just wish I knew what to write about. I just wish so many fucking things, but wishes are nothing more than a twisted fasination with things that we do not have -snickers- Or something like that, I guess.
-sigh- I really don't know about anything anymore. The only thing that I know is that I'm going to court soon and that I hate my fucking attorney, I need a job more than I need anything else, and I am massively in love with a boy who's life is just as hectic as mine. Let me tell you how difficult that can be. . . haha.
I got lucky and actually got to see him this past weekend. Probably the happiest I've felt in like weeks haha. Things are finally going a little bit better between us. We were mostly fighting so hard because of the fact that we don't get to see each other very often. It's amazing how much of an effect that can have on a person's life. If I don't get to see him for two weeks, I feel like it's the end of the world and that everything is going to come crashing down around me. Then, I got to see him and it was wonderful. We figured SO much out, and just being with him put me in an overall better mood.
And then it was over.
He was gone. . .
I hate Sundays more than ever for that reason: I had to take him home and walk away, and get back into the car with one less person. That was such a shitty time. I hate that we live so ffar frmo eachother. It's not even like we live UBER far away, but 45 minutes is quite the distance when you don't have a car of your own, or any money to pay someone to take me out there. It amazes me that 20 dollars is like a fortune when you don't have anything. I just want things to be okay. I want things to work out with him. I want my life to be better. I just want my old life back. I want to be able to call someone up and be like, "Hey, come have lunch with me. I'm paying" or, "You wanna get drunk? Let's go get a bottle" or being able to just hand someone a twenty and be like "Take me to get my boyfriend". I don't know if people understand how bad it sucks; it hurts; makes you feel to have to pretty much depend on everyone around. Which is dumb. I should be doing the responsible thing and working and being independant. But it is SO hard to find jobs in small ass communities like this. There isn't anything available and, when there is, they want someone with years of experience, or someone that doesn't have giant gauges in their ears, and (being that this is such a small place) a lot of people don't want to hire me because I'm gay. I hate the small town mentality. I hate how my life is going. I need to get some kind of new direction. I need to get back to some kind of schooling. I feel like I'm wasting my brain, and I don't like that. I have always been a learner. I love to find out new things, but I'm not figuring jack shit of anything out by sitting around moping about the fact that I'm not doing anything.
I just don't even know. I feel trapped. I have no money, no car, and the local bus only goes so far. I was searching online for jobs in the area and it seems like all of the jobs available are outside of the bus limits >_<. I just want the hell out of this place. I want to start a life. I NEED to start a life. I'm wasting it away. I get so caught up in the stupid shit that I forget that I'm on a journey. I'm on a journey to being dead so I have to enjoy every step of the way as much as I can.
I need to completely change my thoughts about pretty much everything. I need to quit getting so caught up in being angry or upset, I need to quit crying all the time for no damn reason. I have been doing good with it. It just amuses me that I sit at my friend's house playing video games for days and life is good. I get to my house and sit down in my room, and am trying to listen to music, but I hear a certain song that makes me think a little too hard and it's on. I'm crying. I really think it's because my room is yellow haha. As dumb as that is, my least favourite colour is yellow and being surrounded by it on all sides makes me super anxious.
Hm. Ugh. I don't even know. And of course, my brain is so far gone that I just spent the past 10 minutes in a different tab looking for music and when I came back I had lost the thought that I was working on. Just gone. . . heh, my brain sucks. I need not do so many drugs. Well, I guess I really don't anymore. I think those after effects that everyone always told me about are finally catching up to me and remind me that I'm not invincible -snickers- I feel far from invincible these days. I feel as if I'm far past my years. Sometimes I forget that I'm NOT an eighty year old man -chuckle- I'm in as much pain and I'm just as grouchy -smirk-
But whatever. I'm just tired of things being the way they are. Moral of the story. I need to actually get off my lazy ass and push myself to doing something, anything at this point. I need a legit life haha. I just don't know what I want to push for. See, I really have no idea of anything anymore. I need someone in my life who is at least a little bit logical that can like help me figure my life out. I play therapist for so many people, well damnit it's my turn to get some good advice, or something. Hm. I need like a life councilor haha. I'm so used to helping everyone else live, I feel as though I've forgotten how to do so myself. I just need some inspiration; a little jump start to get me on the right track.
-deep sigh- Wow. I don't even know. I think I'm done for now. My A.D.D. has officially bested me. My tummy is grumbly anyways. Me thinks it's time to go eat something then take a shower. I feel super icky. Blech.
<3