why do i have to be me?
why can't i be better? i can't i have talents? why must there be so many people around me just proving that they are better than me? i don't have talents. i'm not excellent at anything. i'm just average, plain. i didnt make it into gsp. it shouldnt have been a surprise but even though i knew it wouldnt happen i still had hope. i thought "maybe i can be the last person accepted" but no i was completely rejected. its no surprise, its not like i ever win anything. i'm never good enough. i can get past the first rounds but thats it. no further. i work hard. i mean people always tell you "work hard and you can do anything" but thats bullshit, i have worked hard my whole life and it hasnt gotten me anywhere.
my little brother made an invention for science class and all he did was take elastic and tie it to a broom and a dustpan. it reminded me of one invention i made in middle school. i had this great idea to make a book holder that was like one of those snake lights so it could go anywhere and hold your book. i worked so hard on it but all i got was a C while someone else who made theirs the night before got an A. i should have learned then. i should have realized that working hard isn't worth shit unless you have real talent, but no i'm stupid. i just keep on working for nothing.
and i keep on realizing just how pathetic i am. i pretend like i'm smart. i tend to walk around with my head high as if i am proud of myself and my intelligence but everyday i am surrounded by friends that are better than me. i can't let them see i'm stupid. i hide it. i keep quiet. joke around as if i'm just pretending i'm stupid. i mean everyone is silly so it doesn't matter. of course its not just intelligence its also talent. i used to think i was a good writer but then i realized i was just fooling myself and being fooled by the A's i recieved, but everyone got A's, mine was no different.
when i started ballroom dancing at first i thought i was doing well learning the dancing since i was just a beginner but now i'm constantly getting frustrated. i just feel like i should be better now. i feel like i've been dancing long enough that i should be able to do the dances i've learned without any problem but i'll get on the dance floor and just screw up, make a wrong step, start doing a dif. dance. i feel like such a screw up. but its not like i can go do anything else. i can't do ballet, that ended in 2nd grade, and i can't do any sports at all. damn how do i get scholarships like this? i mean schools are always looking for "well rounded students." you can't just get good grades. you have to also play a sport, be on an academic team, volunteer for red cross, go to church every sunday, and get over 30 on the ACT. its not my fault i'm not talented! why must i do all these things i dislike, all these things i just cannot do, just in order to get a scholarship to go to college so i can try to make at least my future better.
i just wish there was something i could find that i was really really good at. something that people could see me do and say sincerely "wow emily you were amazing." i wish i could go on stage, be the lead of a play, and know that i was the character and she was me. i would like to be able to dance and know that i could have done it even if the guy was not a very good lead. i would like to be able to write a story and think it could be published.
i want my parents to be proud of me for something they can actually be proud of. i hate how my parents are always so proud of me when i never do anything to be proud of. i get A's that is it. i have nothing to be proud of yet they are always bragging about how wonderful i am but it's a lie. they don't know me. they don't know my friends. if they knew my friends and saw everything they can do, my parents would know i am nothing to be proud of. i wish i was.
my little brother made an invention for science class and all he did was take elastic and tie it to a broom and a dustpan. it reminded me of one invention i made in middle school. i had this great idea to make a book holder that was like one of those snake lights so it could go anywhere and hold your book. i worked so hard on it but all i got was a C while someone else who made theirs the night before got an A. i should have learned then. i should have realized that working hard isn't worth shit unless you have real talent, but no i'm stupid. i just keep on working for nothing.
and i keep on realizing just how pathetic i am. i pretend like i'm smart. i tend to walk around with my head high as if i am proud of myself and my intelligence but everyday i am surrounded by friends that are better than me. i can't let them see i'm stupid. i hide it. i keep quiet. joke around as if i'm just pretending i'm stupid. i mean everyone is silly so it doesn't matter. of course its not just intelligence its also talent. i used to think i was a good writer but then i realized i was just fooling myself and being fooled by the A's i recieved, but everyone got A's, mine was no different.
when i started ballroom dancing at first i thought i was doing well learning the dancing since i was just a beginner but now i'm constantly getting frustrated. i just feel like i should be better now. i feel like i've been dancing long enough that i should be able to do the dances i've learned without any problem but i'll get on the dance floor and just screw up, make a wrong step, start doing a dif. dance. i feel like such a screw up. but its not like i can go do anything else. i can't do ballet, that ended in 2nd grade, and i can't do any sports at all. damn how do i get scholarships like this? i mean schools are always looking for "well rounded students." you can't just get good grades. you have to also play a sport, be on an academic team, volunteer for red cross, go to church every sunday, and get over 30 on the ACT. its not my fault i'm not talented! why must i do all these things i dislike, all these things i just cannot do, just in order to get a scholarship to go to college so i can try to make at least my future better.
i just wish there was something i could find that i was really really good at. something that people could see me do and say sincerely "wow emily you were amazing." i wish i could go on stage, be the lead of a play, and know that i was the character and she was me. i would like to be able to dance and know that i could have done it even if the guy was not a very good lead. i would like to be able to write a story and think it could be published.
i want my parents to be proud of me for something they can actually be proud of. i hate how my parents are always so proud of me when i never do anything to be proud of. i get A's that is it. i have nothing to be proud of yet they are always bragging about how wonderful i am but it's a lie. they don't know me. they don't know my friends. if they knew my friends and saw everything they can do, my parents would know i am nothing to be proud of. i wish i was.