(no subject)
It's been... a week.
The kinda week that has me needing this long abandoned secret spot on the internet to purge it from me.
I spent three days in bed as I felt Glitch's distance like a knife in my body. He's a home and I'm always so homesick. He's a picket fence and I feel his absence like a house on fire.
This week also found me buried in an old life. I warred with myself about how I still fit so well in a world I thought I'd burn the bridge to.
I've got a thousand miles and a decade between me and that life and yet somehow.
I couldn't help but laugh.
Because of course.
And for no other reason and power than sometimes you just can't outrun whats in your blood.
Because there's no way he could've understood the gravity when he surprised me with taking me to that place and those people.
But I tensed up in his car, and he read it on me, and asked.
"I just thought you'd like something different." He defended.
"Not different. Not new."
And god, it was like I didn't have the years from it.
I was always so hell bent on fitting in during my teenage years. I wanted the cool kids table. I wanted the clean good Christian kids to like me.
And I was always only awkward and messy and lost when I got my time in with them.
But throw me in with broken and dirty and I'm the goddamn life of the party without a hint of effort or intentional attempt.
That's what happened. I walked in expecting it to feel uncomfortable, expecting there was no way I could go back when I'd grown out of it.
But I shook hands and made jokes and got marriage proposals.
I expected to tense or cower around men that kept metal on their bodies and towered over me.
But I made them laugh and sparked their eyes.
Because I always do.
This is just where I belong.
And I just need to take a deep breath and accept it.
It's not a bad thing.
I just thought I would've shed the skin that places me so perfectly.
Sixteen year old me still holding out hope I'll be what I chased back then.
It's an odd kind of self loathing.
It's ungraceful and ungrateful of me to spit on the love I'm given like this, and I know it.
I hoped I'd change.
But I haven't and it isn't up to me, it seems.
It feels like no matter the distance or time or healing, I've been too broken and poisoned to not always end right back up there.
And it should be a good thing. Because it's my love at it's best, and I know that.
But it's too much like old demons I've tried to shake and I can't see the good instead of just all the bad.
But look, I went with it that night. I accepted it.
And I poured my heart into the cracks in others', I had perfect words and soft touches and control.
And I just need to let it be.
This is just what I was made for.
It's not the clean cut or normal or charming kids I wanted so badly to be.
But it's genuine and loyal.
And it's where I fit.
Patron saint of lost causes.
Always.
The kinda week that has me needing this long abandoned secret spot on the internet to purge it from me.
I spent three days in bed as I felt Glitch's distance like a knife in my body. He's a home and I'm always so homesick. He's a picket fence and I feel his absence like a house on fire.
This week also found me buried in an old life. I warred with myself about how I still fit so well in a world I thought I'd burn the bridge to.
I've got a thousand miles and a decade between me and that life and yet somehow.
I couldn't help but laugh.
Because of course.
And for no other reason and power than sometimes you just can't outrun whats in your blood.
Because there's no way he could've understood the gravity when he surprised me with taking me to that place and those people.
But I tensed up in his car, and he read it on me, and asked.
"I just thought you'd like something different." He defended.
"Not different. Not new."
And god, it was like I didn't have the years from it.
I was always so hell bent on fitting in during my teenage years. I wanted the cool kids table. I wanted the clean good Christian kids to like me.
And I was always only awkward and messy and lost when I got my time in with them.
But throw me in with broken and dirty and I'm the goddamn life of the party without a hint of effort or intentional attempt.
That's what happened. I walked in expecting it to feel uncomfortable, expecting there was no way I could go back when I'd grown out of it.
But I shook hands and made jokes and got marriage proposals.
I expected to tense or cower around men that kept metal on their bodies and towered over me.
But I made them laugh and sparked their eyes.
Because I always do.
This is just where I belong.
And I just need to take a deep breath and accept it.
It's not a bad thing.
I just thought I would've shed the skin that places me so perfectly.
Sixteen year old me still holding out hope I'll be what I chased back then.
It's an odd kind of self loathing.
It's ungraceful and ungrateful of me to spit on the love I'm given like this, and I know it.
I hoped I'd change.
But I haven't and it isn't up to me, it seems.
It feels like no matter the distance or time or healing, I've been too broken and poisoned to not always end right back up there.
And it should be a good thing. Because it's my love at it's best, and I know that.
But it's too much like old demons I've tried to shake and I can't see the good instead of just all the bad.
But look, I went with it that night. I accepted it.
And I poured my heart into the cracks in others', I had perfect words and soft touches and control.
And I just need to let it be.
This is just what I was made for.
It's not the clean cut or normal or charming kids I wanted so badly to be.
But it's genuine and loyal.
And it's where I fit.
Patron saint of lost causes.
Always.