"Baby, I just need to know. What do you think about things?"
So updates from last time:
-Ended up talking to boy I have a thing with after having a meltdown and over planning the things I would say to him and bracing myself for a breakup. Turns out I didn't need to be worried. He just want reassurances that I am not leaving or just trying to fuck around because I am bored, but other than that as long as I keep him in the loop if I start dating or being interested in anyone else it's okay. Just like we previously agreed upon but I worry so much about things.
-Lovely weekend, but a shit kicker on Monday but I will get to that. First the good part. Got to hang around with my usual coterie on the weekend. Things have felt more open lately which is good. Or maybe I am just being more receptive. I don't know. Point is, we have been good and friendly and actually getting new talks done which is nice. Guiding Grell down the path of Celtic runes, which he is taking well to.
Victor actually hosted a Victorian tea party themed after the Mad Tea Party from Alice in Wonderland. It was lovely. Shannon was a satyr. Victor was of course the Mad Hatter. Grell and Ap, who was a surprise invite, ended up both being Victorian ladies and I am very proud of both of them for wearing dresses when I know they get real nervous about it. Jirak was Aladdin. I went as a dark fae.
Then Ap and Jirak both spent the night at my house. It was rather glorious. I was actually surprised by how fond Ap was of hanging all over me. Like very physically affectionate and cuddling me for like hours. Still slept on the couch but kept holding my hand, hanging all over me and casually draping legs all over me. I know I am not the only person he is talking to or has a thing with and honestly that is okay. I am just happy to have him be around and be close to me.
It was comforting to me and they kept checking in to make sure I was okay. It was very nessecary.
-So Monday was largely spent in good company. Jirak, Ap, roommate Fu, and friend Kat were all there, along with Kat's four year old son. We watched V for Vendetta and Mortal Kombat Annihilation. I needed a distraction. If there wasn't a four year old there, there would have been a lot more tits and blood because that is how I relax.
So before Kat and her son got to my house I got an e-mail that really threw me for a loop. So I have been part of a theater organization for 15 years at this point. Every one of my friends that I see every week and talk to a lot I met through it. I only got involved with my work through this theater company. I only have a place to live because of it. It has been a huge part of my life for the time. I invested a lot of time and effort into it. It changed who I am as a person and shaped me. So I have been running and founded the social media branches for the theater company for a couple years at this point. Literally no one gave them to me, I kind of just made it as a labor of love and completely self motivated.
Through this time I was insulted a lot by the runner of the theater organization. He's old and doesn't get why social media is important so he kept insulting me, calling it amateurish and all sort of things like laughing at it. But the actual club was grateful and thought it was cool. Apparently I did the job really good, good enough where he had to take me seriously and I caught his eye. Which apparently makes him feel possessive of it. Out of nowhere he messages me asking for the passwords to the accounts. I tried to handle it politely, asking how I could help him and how I could assist or if there was a campaign he wanted me to do. He just got pig headed and eventually just sent the word Password over and over again through PMs to me. So I ignored him. After all, I created these. He had no hand in it and theoretically we are all friends and can talk about this in person.
So eventually he basically mobilized the whole theater group's HR department basically. They are often used as a form of arbitration to solve problems. They mostly just get people to sit down and talk, but also have the ability to ban people. There is a process for this usually involving many steps and at times years. I have had no reports against me for fifteen years other than 3 minor miscommunications, which were resolved by simple things like "oh, straight up I didn't hear them.". I say usually because apparently unless I handed over the passwords I was banned. Instantly with no build up.
So I had a bit of a breakdown. All I wanted was a dialogue and was denied that and instead strong armed. I hate that I was strong armed, I hate that I was forced into being strong-armed. The only reason I was even given a strong-arm rather than an outright ban is because my friend Ought happens to be on the team and managed to get them to hold off long enough to at least get them to send a minor communication about it. I also hate that my response was to cry first and get upset rather than going into rage.
Sooooo I didn't delete the accounts. But I did delete any posts that I made using it and anything containing my face. The only ones left are the meager amount the owner had asked me to make years ago. Then handed over the passwords and told them not to contact me for any content creation again.
So we shall see if I am actually banned. It makes me very upset that it has come to this. I don't know if I am banned or if I shall keep my friends if I am. I should I hope I would but I worry. About everything and everyone all the time. I worry about being abandoned and feel very hurt and betrayed by an organization that I have been a part of for most of my adult life. Still reeling from it.
Blessedly I was surrounded by very safe people. Ap held himself with remarkable grace, which is impressive because I barely know the man honestly. He has known me for like five months and was very comforting and honestly he had no reason to be. Everyone else in the room has at least known me for a few years so I can expect them to comfort me, but he previously only really saw the good side of me. So that is at least nice. It is only because I had good people around me that I was able to get through as good as I did and only have one breakdown about it.
-Ended up talking to boy I have a thing with after having a meltdown and over planning the things I would say to him and bracing myself for a breakup. Turns out I didn't need to be worried. He just want reassurances that I am not leaving or just trying to fuck around because I am bored, but other than that as long as I keep him in the loop if I start dating or being interested in anyone else it's okay. Just like we previously agreed upon but I worry so much about things.
-Lovely weekend, but a shit kicker on Monday but I will get to that. First the good part. Got to hang around with my usual coterie on the weekend. Things have felt more open lately which is good. Or maybe I am just being more receptive. I don't know. Point is, we have been good and friendly and actually getting new talks done which is nice. Guiding Grell down the path of Celtic runes, which he is taking well to.
Victor actually hosted a Victorian tea party themed after the Mad Tea Party from Alice in Wonderland. It was lovely. Shannon was a satyr. Victor was of course the Mad Hatter. Grell and Ap, who was a surprise invite, ended up both being Victorian ladies and I am very proud of both of them for wearing dresses when I know they get real nervous about it. Jirak was Aladdin. I went as a dark fae.
Then Ap and Jirak both spent the night at my house. It was rather glorious. I was actually surprised by how fond Ap was of hanging all over me. Like very physically affectionate and cuddling me for like hours. Still slept on the couch but kept holding my hand, hanging all over me and casually draping legs all over me. I know I am not the only person he is talking to or has a thing with and honestly that is okay. I am just happy to have him be around and be close to me.
It was comforting to me and they kept checking in to make sure I was okay. It was very nessecary.
-So Monday was largely spent in good company. Jirak, Ap, roommate Fu, and friend Kat were all there, along with Kat's four year old son. We watched V for Vendetta and Mortal Kombat Annihilation. I needed a distraction. If there wasn't a four year old there, there would have been a lot more tits and blood because that is how I relax.
So before Kat and her son got to my house I got an e-mail that really threw me for a loop. So I have been part of a theater organization for 15 years at this point. Every one of my friends that I see every week and talk to a lot I met through it. I only got involved with my work through this theater company. I only have a place to live because of it. It has been a huge part of my life for the time. I invested a lot of time and effort into it. It changed who I am as a person and shaped me. So I have been running and founded the social media branches for the theater company for a couple years at this point. Literally no one gave them to me, I kind of just made it as a labor of love and completely self motivated.
Through this time I was insulted a lot by the runner of the theater organization. He's old and doesn't get why social media is important so he kept insulting me, calling it amateurish and all sort of things like laughing at it. But the actual club was grateful and thought it was cool. Apparently I did the job really good, good enough where he had to take me seriously and I caught his eye. Which apparently makes him feel possessive of it. Out of nowhere he messages me asking for the passwords to the accounts. I tried to handle it politely, asking how I could help him and how I could assist or if there was a campaign he wanted me to do. He just got pig headed and eventually just sent the word Password over and over again through PMs to me. So I ignored him. After all, I created these. He had no hand in it and theoretically we are all friends and can talk about this in person.
So eventually he basically mobilized the whole theater group's HR department basically. They are often used as a form of arbitration to solve problems. They mostly just get people to sit down and talk, but also have the ability to ban people. There is a process for this usually involving many steps and at times years. I have had no reports against me for fifteen years other than 3 minor miscommunications, which were resolved by simple things like "oh, straight up I didn't hear them.". I say usually because apparently unless I handed over the passwords I was banned. Instantly with no build up.
So I had a bit of a breakdown. All I wanted was a dialogue and was denied that and instead strong armed. I hate that I was strong armed, I hate that I was forced into being strong-armed. The only reason I was even given a strong-arm rather than an outright ban is because my friend Ought happens to be on the team and managed to get them to hold off long enough to at least get them to send a minor communication about it. I also hate that my response was to cry first and get upset rather than going into rage.
Sooooo I didn't delete the accounts. But I did delete any posts that I made using it and anything containing my face. The only ones left are the meager amount the owner had asked me to make years ago. Then handed over the passwords and told them not to contact me for any content creation again.
So we shall see if I am actually banned. It makes me very upset that it has come to this. I don't know if I am banned or if I shall keep my friends if I am. I should I hope I would but I worry. About everything and everyone all the time. I worry about being abandoned and feel very hurt and betrayed by an organization that I have been a part of for most of my adult life. Still reeling from it.
Blessedly I was surrounded by very safe people. Ap held himself with remarkable grace, which is impressive because I barely know the man honestly. He has known me for like five months and was very comforting and honestly he had no reason to be. Everyone else in the room has at least known me for a few years so I can expect them to comfort me, but he previously only really saw the good side of me. So that is at least nice. It is only because I had good people around me that I was able to get through as good as I did and only have one breakdown about it.