(no subject)
Life is going quite well for me right now. I have good classes, as long as I stay on top of the reading I should be fine. I mean I'm failing at that so far, but it's still early and I can catch up. I have a relationship now. It's going really quite well, I trust the guy and like him a whole lot. Which brings me to my question for the day: What is love?
This guy, he has already said he loves me. Or rather he wrote it down in a foreign language and had me solve it like a puzzle, no words have been spoken. This seems to be quite the repeating pattern in my life. Apparently I'm really good at hooking people or something because for some reason everybody I've been with has said they love me. And yet I haven't been able to say it back to a damn person. Every time someone says that to me I, well I can't make broad generalizations. Every time I've reacted differantly. They always seem to fall so fast though, even those that I know value their words and aren't just saying it to say it. Sooo why can't I say it back? What the hell is wrong with my mind that even though I care for the person deeply, even though I know there's no other in my mind even remotely, I can't say three bloody words. Other people seem to be able to go through the motions so quickly and seem perfectly content to just fall. They fall for people a lot less worthy than the people that hav courted me, at least some of them have. Here I am with a wonderful, sweet, overall amazing guy, terribly attached to him, and yet I cannot respond with the strength he does. I want to, really I do. Yet my mind is a poisoned thing. It goes "You've known this person for how long?" or "Gee I wonder how many other people he/she has said this to before?". I know such things don't matter in the long run and truly I don't hold it against the person. I know the fault lies within me and my thought proccesses. Something in me just seems to move so much slower than other people regarding relationships and I feel like a dick because of it. I want to be kind. I want to be loving. But deep down inside, I am truly a cunt of a woman I suppose and that stops me from falling quickly. It's never as fast as the other people, always like I am falling through water and the others have 10 ton weights attached to them. I don't want to be that stupid youth that claims to be in love too quickly, so I try to temper myself, to hold back any errant words that may threaten to cross my lips. But I can't help but feel that I am hurting the other person by not falling at the same pace as them. I don't want to do that, not this time. For once I have hope and I actually think this might work out. And yet...no confession of love comes to me. The words never cross my lips.
Any of you out there have an opinion about love that you'd wish to share?
This guy, he has already said he loves me. Or rather he wrote it down in a foreign language and had me solve it like a puzzle, no words have been spoken. This seems to be quite the repeating pattern in my life. Apparently I'm really good at hooking people or something because for some reason everybody I've been with has said they love me. And yet I haven't been able to say it back to a damn person. Every time someone says that to me I, well I can't make broad generalizations. Every time I've reacted differantly. They always seem to fall so fast though, even those that I know value their words and aren't just saying it to say it. Sooo why can't I say it back? What the hell is wrong with my mind that even though I care for the person deeply, even though I know there's no other in my mind even remotely, I can't say three bloody words. Other people seem to be able to go through the motions so quickly and seem perfectly content to just fall. They fall for people a lot less worthy than the people that hav courted me, at least some of them have. Here I am with a wonderful, sweet, overall amazing guy, terribly attached to him, and yet I cannot respond with the strength he does. I want to, really I do. Yet my mind is a poisoned thing. It goes "You've known this person for how long?" or "Gee I wonder how many other people he/she has said this to before?". I know such things don't matter in the long run and truly I don't hold it against the person. I know the fault lies within me and my thought proccesses. Something in me just seems to move so much slower than other people regarding relationships and I feel like a dick because of it. I want to be kind. I want to be loving. But deep down inside, I am truly a cunt of a woman I suppose and that stops me from falling quickly. It's never as fast as the other people, always like I am falling through water and the others have 10 ton weights attached to them. I don't want to be that stupid youth that claims to be in love too quickly, so I try to temper myself, to hold back any errant words that may threaten to cross my lips. But I can't help but feel that I am hurting the other person by not falling at the same pace as them. I don't want to do that, not this time. For once I have hope and I actually think this might work out. And yet...no confession of love comes to me. The words never cross my lips.
Any of you out there have an opinion about love that you'd wish to share?