The word of the day is lonely
I write here because I’m confident it’s the one form of social media I can write in and NO ONE will see it.
I write because for the very first time in my life, I’m in a real relationship. And I still feel alone. He works out of town a lot, so I don’t get to see him all the time. At first I thought it would be fine, but it’s hard. This is hard. This time is harder because he was out of town for a while and then I went on vacation, so we’re going on 2.5 weeks now without seeing each other. I know people do longer. I get that. But what sucks is that right now, it’s a Friday night and he’s out drinking with his friends. And it’s been 6 hours since I’ve heard from him. It sucks that I’m not even a blip on his radar to deserve a text. That’s what makes this so hard. Knowing that I don’t rank. I can’t go five minutes (and that’s probably a generous overestimate) without thinking about him... and I don’t get any kind of drunken text? It’s literally breaking my heart. And I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be dependent on someone who isn’t dependent on me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not enough? Not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not funny enough?
Just not enough?
I mean that’s the only thing I’ve ever learned my whole life.
That I’m not worthy. That I’m not what anyone wants.
And I’m right back to feeling that way.
I just want to be someone’s number one. I want to be the first thing they think about. The last thing. What they think about in between.
I don’t think I’ll ever be that for someone.
And it breaks my heart.
I write because for the very first time in my life, I’m in a real relationship. And I still feel alone. He works out of town a lot, so I don’t get to see him all the time. At first I thought it would be fine, but it’s hard. This is hard. This time is harder because he was out of town for a while and then I went on vacation, so we’re going on 2.5 weeks now without seeing each other. I know people do longer. I get that. But what sucks is that right now, it’s a Friday night and he’s out drinking with his friends. And it’s been 6 hours since I’ve heard from him. It sucks that I’m not even a blip on his radar to deserve a text. That’s what makes this so hard. Knowing that I don’t rank. I can’t go five minutes (and that’s probably a generous overestimate) without thinking about him... and I don’t get any kind of drunken text? It’s literally breaking my heart. And I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be dependent on someone who isn’t dependent on me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not enough? Not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not funny enough?
Just not enough?
I mean that’s the only thing I’ve ever learned my whole life.
That I’m not worthy. That I’m not what anyone wants.
And I’m right back to feeling that way.
I just want to be someone’s number one. I want to be the first thing they think about. The last thing. What they think about in between.
I don’t think I’ll ever be that for someone.
And it breaks my heart.