what to do
when you've dug yourself so deep into something and you suddenly want to throw it away and start over. a new life. a new everything. away from everything you hate about your present state. when you know, though, that just ending it would let so many people down except you. people that suddenly matter more than you ever thought. what to do when you've made excited hurried shouting laughing dreaming plans and suddenly want to let go of them. when you can't tell anyone because they were all part of your excited hurried shouting laughing dreaming plan and now you don't want them to be. when you said forever and now you don't mean it so much. when you said never and didn't anticipate anything but the way it was. what to do when you have a secret that you can't wait to tell but if you tell anyone or everyone or him or her it will blow up in your face because they will be the ones with nothing left worth living for. but you can't either because where would you turn otherwise. when you have the memory stuck in your head and find you aren't as able to move on as you would like to think. what to do when you can't stand just ignoring endless pathos but you can't stand what said pathos stands for. when you're so damn scared to come out of the closet because you don't want to let a single person down ever. maybe i am too nice. i definitely am too nice. i can't stand myself sometimes. maybe Anqi's right and i'm like Jim and unable to act to get out of a situation that i don't like just because to stay is honorable and if i do i won't let people down but somehow i'm willing to live with the inner turmoil it causes me. Anqi is definitely right. thank you. i can't stand myself sometimes. it's like some things are traps that i can't escape because i'm afraid it will make other people unhappy. i think about it all the time, and i don't want to have to anymore. i just don't know how to escape it. suggestions?