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well me and brian are on a break and its really not working again. we keep talking and sitting together and kissing and all this stuff but its not helping. hes scared that im not gunna come back to him or that imma find someone else to be with or something like that. hre thinks im happy about all this bullshit. but im not. im scared too. im scared that hes gunna get tired of waiting on me to get my life all straightened out. everyone is all worried about him but no one seems to care about me. theyre all like oh brian are you ok. my feiends even call him but they dont call me! i think its a fucking waste of money for me to have a room phone and a cell phone. no one calls me. but anyways.. i guess people think that since nothing bothers me, i dont have feelings. but i fucking do people! gawd. i hate everyone right now. its so fucking frustrating! brians mom is going on a cruise tomorrow til monday and i was gunna have him stay with me but all we ever fucking do anymore is fight and urgue and that would really just not help with the break thing. in some ways i think its dumb but if i let this shit keep going on, were gunna end up hating each other and thats not what i want. i love him more than anything and i need him but.. i dont even fucking know anymore. everything just sucks really bad. brittany suggested that we just talk to our own friends and go out with them and shit but that dont work cuz.. oh yeh.. I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS!!! i mean like yeh everyone is all like oh nikki i love you youre the best im your friend blah blah blah but you dont see any of them being there for me. do you?! it pisses me off so fucking bad! everyone knows im there for them whenever they need me but they cant fucking be there for me right now when i realy need them! they all have better things to do so fuck me! of course. me and my cousin arent even as close as we were before. it sucks balls. i cant even talk to her anymore. ive called wesley a few times this week to talk to him and the one night we did talk for a while and then my phone died so i told him to call me later. but he didnt. then i called him last night and he was on the phone with mike so i told him to call me back later. he didnt. it sucks tho cuz i like to talk to him. i wrote him a note today. he didnt write be back. so i dunno. i love him with all my heart tho. guess he just dont have time for me. i really wanna go see coach carter but theres no one who will go with me. i guess ill just be the loner loser that i really am and go by myself. oh well. heh nice. people dont even notice im on anymore. its great aint it..? NOT! i went to ida baker open house last night so i guess imma go there. it seems really cool. barely anyone is gunna go there cuz all their friends are goin to either cape mariner or north so yeh. but i wanna go to baker cuz not only can i get away from all the uneccesary drama but they have great opportunities. yeh me worried about the opportunities. but i got nominated for the national honor roll award and theyll send me back another letter next year after the tap me in school and then i will be in national honor society. only 25 students in america get chosen every year so thats really cool for me. my mommy was sooo proud! =) plus, the school mascot.. bukkus.. is really cool! i saw him last night and hes really fat. hes really cute tho lol. he was like a foot n a half tall n prolly weighed like 70 lbs lol. he was a fatty! but sooo cute! kinda like me.. NOT! well i guess im going to bed. later yall.