feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
"How could you do that to him?" I asked quietly, knowing full well I wouldn't get a straight answer, "How could you let him alienate himself like that? Make him think that he was alone
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I watched her as she went to the closet, taking out more of her clothes. I couldn't blame her, really, wanting to leave. It wasn't like I'd made it easy on her these past few weeks. I'd refused to do anything - couldn't go see Angel or my friends, against the rules, that.
Couldn't face up to it.
And Angel... His being gone, well I guess it made sense somehow. She'd been here, when it mattered, been with me. Protected me from Angel, of all people. And now he was gone? There wasn't much to protect me from. Maybe that was just what it had been all along.
"Okay." The finality in my voice surprised me. I knew I should be saying something, telling her she should stay but-- For what? Me? Yeah, right. Angel was gone now. Didn't think Wes would want her around either way - Fred wouldn't care. Spike neither.
I cared, though. And it made letting go that much harder. She didn't want to stay anyway, why fight it?
As I watched her? The place was starting to feel empty already. Faith was leaving, this stuff had all been bought with David's money... There was nothing for me here either.
Except her.
"Don't go?" I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I thought I'd lost everything three month ago when I woke up from that coma. Faith being there had been-- Weird. And then everything had happened and I wasn't sure what I had at all - until I was faced with her walking out the door. "Faith..." She was still packing stuff into that bag, I wasn't even sure she'd heard me right. So I walked forward and took that bag in my hand, dropped it on the bed.
She turned towards me, probably wondered what the fuck I was doing, and I kissed her. I kissed her because I was sorry for yelling at her, sorry because I'd taken Angel away from her too. Sorry because I'd fucked it all up and I couldn't stand there and tell her how I felt about her.
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I let go of the bag automatically as she took the bag out of my hand and dropped it on the bed. Setting my jaw I dragged dark eyes away from the bag and forced myself to look up into her face. Was about to open my mouth to say something to her when her lips met mine, crushing down on them in a needy kinda way.
Freezing for a second I idly wondered if this was how Cordy got what she wanted. Wouldn't really surprise me, it was usually how I got what I wanted. But you don't play the playa if you know what I'm sayin'. But the fact that she wanted me to stay kinda won over the part of me sayin' she was just doin' this to get exactly what she wanted.
"Why do you want me to stay so bad?" I asked as I pulled away slightly, my lips inches from hers.
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I could tell her a pack of lies, hope I didn't get too close, hope I didn't fall. The startling reality though was that I'd already fallen. I'd hit rock bottom. I'd watched my best friend, the one guy I'd loved more than anything else die... And I was still standing.
Not because of me. Not even because of Angel, though I'd tried to get him back. Because of her. Because I didn't want to go anyplace that Faith wasn't with me - even if it hurt.
"Because you're all I've got." I said after a moment, "I can go back to the guys, help the helpless, regain some sense of normality. But none of it matters if you're not here."
When it came to talking about feelings? I was right up there with Angel and Faith in being an expert at running in the opposite direction. But I'd already lost Angel tonight because I couldn't tell him how sorry I was, how I'd felt. I wasn't about to lose her the same way.
"I'm sorry. For Angel, for everything. For pushing you away, for refusing to go see him when we should have. I'm sorry I can't bring him back. And I'm sorry it's taken me 'til now to actually admit that what we had wasn't just down to the alcohol or just sex. You've been here for me these past few months even when I didn't want you to be and that's..." Okay, choking up again! This was one of those conversations that was destined to rip your heart out, no matter what. "I'm not good at this, Faith. Never have been. I just... I want you to stay."
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Now it was Queen C her fucking self tellin' me all this and I gotta say. She was the last person I ever expected to hear it from. I used to think about how cool it would be if Buffy ever said anything like that to me. I knew it would never happen, but ya know what? I thought it was about a million times more likely than Cordelia Chase saying it to me.
My features softened when I realized she was about to cry again. Oh God, don't do that. I didn't think I could handle it if the waterworks came back. Even though I felt like I could cry again at any second.
Shaking my head at her I pressed my fingers to her lips and said "Shhhhhh." She didn't have to apologize to me. It wasn't her fault. It was Angel's own stupid fault, not ours. And besides, if I wanted to see Soul Boy that badly I woulda just snuck out and done it on my own while she was sleepin' or something.
Pressing my lips to hers again I backed her up so that she fell onto the bed. With one hand going behind her head the other one shoved the duffel bag off of it. I wasn't going anywhere. Not when I had something so fucking good, even if I knew it wouldn't last. Nothing good ever does.
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No alcohol. No life or death situations to blame it on. No nothing, I was kissing Faith because I wanted to.
I slid my hand up and into her hair, pulling her closer to me. Her lips were soft, warm.
I could feel the tears slipping down my cheeks. I was relieved, I guess, crying because of it. I'd done the one thing I'd been terrified of since the rebar incident back in High School. I'd opened up, told her how I felt. It had taken my once best friend dying to do it but I had.
We pulled apart for just the barest of seconds and I looked at her, a small smile appearing on my face, "Does that mean you're staying?"
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Damn, why'd she have to cry? She was turnin' me into the biggest softie ever, and no one ever did that to me except her. Vaguely I wondered if this meant she had won and I found I didn't really give a fuck. Win, lose....it was all pretty relative at this point in our lives.
"Yeah, I'll stay." I said quietly before kissing her softly again. It started innocently but this was me here, so nothin' was ever innocent. Besides I just wanted to forget about all of it. Best way to do that? Get lost in something pretty. I always was too easily distracted by shiny things.
"So..." I asked sly, determined to change the subject. "Are you admitting that it wasn't just the booze, that you're just really hot for my body?" I smirked as I kissed my way down her neck, listening to her breath quicken.
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I could feel my shoulders sag in relief. Would have said something. But it was hard to do that when Faith was kissing me.
Faith... Kissing... If I stopped long enough to think about it, the parallels might have outdone me. Faith. Me. Faith. God... But those lips, those soft, full lips-- Well, they were enough to keep my mind occupied... Until she pulled away.
"So... Are you admitting that it wasn't just th ebooze, that you're just really hot for my body?"
"Nope," I murmured with a soft, lazy smile, my breath quickening as she kissed my neck, "I just want you for your brains, Faith." Ha.
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"Well you know, you know what they say." I said, pausing between most of the words to kiss the base of her throat and then up towards her chin again. "I'm wicked smart." I grinned at her wickedly before pressing my lips hard to her's again and slipping my fingers underneath her shirt, feeling her warm flesh underneath my fingertips.
My fingers trailed tentatively up to her full breasts, one fingertip trailing lightly over her nipples. I smirked as she moaned into my mouth.
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See, I remembered most of our drunken night. But parts were... Well, hazy. And if the half-rememberance was anything to go by? Repeat performances should so very much be on the cards.
"I'm wicked smart." I would have answered that but-- Kinda hard with Faith kissing me and her hands under my-- Fuck.
I moaned into her mouth, not the least bit ashamed, and slipped my hands between us. "You know what else they stay?" She stopped the kissing to look at me, a lazy smile on her face, "Slayers with too many clothes on should get undressed. Like now." Okay, maybe nobody ever had said that.
But I was thinking it!
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Tentatively my hand retreated from under her shirt, and quickly I reached for the end of my own shirt and pulled it off over my head. Now it wasn't very fair for me to be all topless and her to be fully clothed. With deft fingers I began unbuttoning her shirt until a black lacy bra was staring at me. The only thing holding back the most perfect breasts I'd ever seen. And I've seen alot of boobs.
Finding the clasp I unhooked it so she was free of the bra. My fingers gently trailed along them as I sat straddling her. Didn't know why I was takin' my sweet time with her. Usually I was all about divin' right into the good stuff.
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