feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
"How could you do that to him?" I asked quietly, knowing full well I wouldn't get a straight answer, "How could you let him alienate himself like that? Make him think that he was alone?"
"He was alone," came the answer, "When it counted."
When it counted. They meant at the end - when he felt like everything was closing in on him, when that demon had pierced his stomach with his sword and Angel felt like giving up.
He thought about Connor. About me. About Wes and Fred and Gunn and all the times we'd spent together. Family.
He felt remorse, sadness. Anger at letting it get this far. He was tired of fighting, tired of pushing - but at the end, the thing that kept him going? Was us. Knowing that even if he didn't come out on the other side? We would.
"Bring him back." I said stonily, arms folded across my chest, "I don't care how you do it or what ancient codes you break but... There has to be another way than this."
"Guilt is a powerful emotion, is it not, Seer?"
"You didn't even give us a chance!" I yelled, my fists clenching, tears streaming down my cheeks. "You didn't give him a chance."
"What's done is done," it retorted, me getting the general feeling I was being dismissed, "Leave us."
And with that? I was back in our apartment - mine and Faith's - surrounded by candles on our floor, tears dried fast into my cheeks.
I'd watched it all. Saw it right up there in my vision-having head... And I hadn't been able to do a thing to stop it. See, the Powers had wanted it that way. They'd wanted me to know just what it was Angel had given up, every thought he'd had, right until that last minute.
They'd wanted me to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, why he fought. Why he still went on. Why he'd chosen this path - why he chose to not fade away.
They wanted me to know because they wanted me to tell the others. They wanted me to give one of my Cordelia-Chase motivational speeches about how we should go on. How we should live and fight for Angel, for his memory, for what he'd done for us.
For saving us. For making a sacrifice, sure, but saving us ultimately.
And yet when I opened my mouth to begin said motivational speech? I realised how much we'd had taken away, how much there was left to say to Angel - how sorry I was, for causing all this, for dragging my heels when I should have been standing in front of him and telling him how sorry I was, how much I'd missed him these past few months and how, after everything, I'd loved him. Had for as long as I could remember.
When I ran out of Wolfram and Hart, it was cold outside. I didn't find Faith, though I looked in all our usual haunts. I made the decision to contact the Powers and came back empty handed. And more annoyed.
They'd taken him away from us and now they wanted us to fight?
Slowly, I picked up the stuff I'd used to contact the Powers. Basic spell - hadn't worked the way I wanted it to anyway. I looked at the clock. Faith had been gone for a while now and I was starting to get worried. Tired.
Slayer or not, that vision I'd had about her-- I couldn't handle losing someone else. Not now.
I grabbed my keys off the table and turned, ready to search the entire city if I had to when the door opened and in she walked. Ruffled, scratched up a bit, but unhurt mostly.
"Hey." I said quietly, stepping towards her, trying to search her eyes for anything other than the numbness that had set in with me. "Are you okay?"
"He was alone," came the answer, "When it counted."
When it counted. They meant at the end - when he felt like everything was closing in on him, when that demon had pierced his stomach with his sword and Angel felt like giving up.
He thought about Connor. About me. About Wes and Fred and Gunn and all the times we'd spent together. Family.
He felt remorse, sadness. Anger at letting it get this far. He was tired of fighting, tired of pushing - but at the end, the thing that kept him going? Was us. Knowing that even if he didn't come out on the other side? We would.
"Bring him back." I said stonily, arms folded across my chest, "I don't care how you do it or what ancient codes you break but... There has to be another way than this."
"Guilt is a powerful emotion, is it not, Seer?"
"You didn't even give us a chance!" I yelled, my fists clenching, tears streaming down my cheeks. "You didn't give him a chance."
"What's done is done," it retorted, me getting the general feeling I was being dismissed, "Leave us."
And with that? I was back in our apartment - mine and Faith's - surrounded by candles on our floor, tears dried fast into my cheeks.
I'd watched it all. Saw it right up there in my vision-having head... And I hadn't been able to do a thing to stop it. See, the Powers had wanted it that way. They'd wanted me to know just what it was Angel had given up, every thought he'd had, right until that last minute.
They'd wanted me to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, why he fought. Why he still went on. Why he'd chosen this path - why he chose to not fade away.
They wanted me to know because they wanted me to tell the others. They wanted me to give one of my Cordelia-Chase motivational speeches about how we should go on. How we should live and fight for Angel, for his memory, for what he'd done for us.
For saving us. For making a sacrifice, sure, but saving us ultimately.
And yet when I opened my mouth to begin said motivational speech? I realised how much we'd had taken away, how much there was left to say to Angel - how sorry I was, for causing all this, for dragging my heels when I should have been standing in front of him and telling him how sorry I was, how much I'd missed him these past few months and how, after everything, I'd loved him. Had for as long as I could remember.
When I ran out of Wolfram and Hart, it was cold outside. I didn't find Faith, though I looked in all our usual haunts. I made the decision to contact the Powers and came back empty handed. And more annoyed.
They'd taken him away from us and now they wanted us to fight?
Slowly, I picked up the stuff I'd used to contact the Powers. Basic spell - hadn't worked the way I wanted it to anyway. I looked at the clock. Faith had been gone for a while now and I was starting to get worried. Tired.
Slayer or not, that vision I'd had about her-- I couldn't handle losing someone else. Not now.
I grabbed my keys off the table and turned, ready to search the entire city if I had to when the door opened and in she walked. Ruffled, scratched up a bit, but unhurt mostly.
"Hey." I said quietly, stepping towards her, trying to search her eyes for anything other than the numbness that had set in with me. "Are you okay?"