feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
"How could you do that to him?" I asked quietly, knowing full well I wouldn't get a straight answer, "How could you let him alienate himself like that? Make him think that he was alone
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And maybe I wasn't fine! But at least I didn't use some lameass attempt to-- Wait, I did, actually. But c'mon, it wasn't anything that Faith would outright know was it?
I started packing the bandages away, shoving them this way and that into the box so that they would fit. She was looking at me, staring, and I didn't want to look up, see that empty look in her eyes. It scared me. Made me think I was losing her and--
Damnit.
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Again. This was stupid. This whole apartment was stupid, this whole situation was stupid. Faith was stupid. Angel was stupid for going ahead and dying on us. And most of all? I was stupid for not going to him sooner, for not letting him know that he wasn't alone.
Standing up, I hurled the first aid kit at the wall. I hated this stupid apartment. And this stupid situation. And stupid Angel. And stupid Faith. Except the sad part?
Was that that the latter two, I didn't hate at all. I kind of loved them. And now one was dead and the other one was hurting. And I had no idea what to do about it.
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I flinched in spite of myself as the first aid kit thunked against the wall and fell hard to the floor below, scattering bandages and antiseptic on the carpet.
Clenching my jaw I looked back at her with a resigned look. This wasn't doin' any of us any little bit of good and it was pretty fucking sad when I was the voice of reason around here. Guess we both just needed to lash out...at eachother.
"What do you want from me?" I asked exasperated. Because she clearly didn't want me. Sure, she'd been lonely when she woke up from the coma, i got that. But now she had Wes and Fred and all her pals back. She didn't need me.
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Geez, a reaction maybe! Something that told me that she didn't have to fuck off and find something to hit to show some emotion.
"Nothing, Faith," I muttered, my voice dripping with sarcasm, "Absolutely nothing." She could cope with that, couldn't she? She could leave with a clear conscience since it was so goddamn obvious she didn't want to be around me anyway.
I moved forwards, picking up the First Aid kit from the floor. I kept going over things in my mind - things the Powers had said about guilt. Powerful emotion, that. About Angel being alone.
He had been, at the end, because of me. Maybe pushing Faith away like this was just easier because sooner or later she'd hate me for what I'd done anyway.
I scooped up the remants of the First Aid kit, the stuff from my spell and tossed them in the trash, wiping my hands on my jeans. "You feel better?" She looked at me, annoyed, I think, puzzled. "After your pummelling, I mean." Goddamnit, I hated that I was so worried about her and she was so-- So Faith about it all. "'Cause I was thinking, hey, if it worked for you? Maybe I could go out and find something to hit me. A lot."
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Nothing.
That's what she wanted from me, and that was just fine. Not like I wanted anything from her either, I already got what I wanted. She got what she wanted. It was a done deal. Why the hell was I still standin' here?
"You can do whatever you want." I shot back at her as I stormed into my bedroom.
Fuck her! Her and her stupid holier than thou attitude. And fuck that glare that got me to shut up faster than anyone else could! And most of all fuck that I even gave a flying crap about her because I shouldn't. I should only be lookin' out for number one. How many times I gotta learn that one the hard way?
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And I really debated walking outside and doing just that, except-- Except I didn't really want to. Couldn't really rationalise being beat to shit or...
Fuck.
So I followed Faith, stood right there in her doorway and looked at her, "Why do you have to make everything so fucking hard? I was worried about you damnit! And don't give me any of that bullshit about being able to take care of yourself because Angel could take care of himself and look where that got him."
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Shaking my head I pulled my duffel bag out of the closet and started to throw my clothes into it. I'd have to maybe call David and thank him for all the stuff. It was wicked nice of him to hook me and Cordelia up.
Wasn't sure where I was gonna go. Didn't matter, just away. Anywhere but here. I heard Cleveland was nice, think Kennedy was up there tryin' to protect the new hellmouth. Maybe I'd go and lend a hand. Not like I got anything better to do.
I turned dark eyes toward the door when I heard Cordelia from the doorway.
"Why do you worry about me?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. "It's not like we got any ties. You never liked me, and I never liked you. We got thrown together cause of this stupid crap with Soul Boy. Yeah well now it's over, congratulations you're getting rid of me." I bit out at her.
Oh yeah, and we couldn't forget to blame the alcohol. Bitch.
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Why is it that I always pick the goddamn dumb ones? Why is it that I always pick the fixer upper or the ex-psycho, huh? Because seriously, this? Is getting old.
"Oh, so I'm getting rid of you, huh? Well yay me, gotta love that then!" I want to lash out. I really wish I had something in my hand so that I could toss it at her. Hard. "And hey, you're right! I didn't like you! But it sure as hell didn't stop me from actually giving half a damn about--"
Wait, wait, wait! She has a duffel bag. A duffel bag she's tossing clothes into. To say I'm ill-prepared for that whole stab of fear thing? Would be an understatement.
"You're leaving?" And what, did we just turn into the Old fucking Married's or something? "Where... Where you going?"
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Still nothing prepared me for the sound of her voice when she asked if I was leaving. She sounded....scared. Now why the hell would she be scared that I was leaving? She didn't need me anymore, didn't she get that?
"Yeah." I answered her quietly as I walked to the closet and took out a few more pairs of leather pants and threw them into the bag. "I dunno. Just away." Why the hell'd she even care anyway?
I knew the one word answers pissed her off, but there just didn't seem that much to say. 'Sides if I looked at her, I might just dump all the clothes back out on the bed and swear to never ever leave which would probably be the dumbest thing I'd ever do. Fuck it. Sick of letting everyone get to me. Time I started doin' for myself again.
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I watched her as she went to the closet, taking out more of her clothes. I couldn't blame her, really, wanting to leave. It wasn't like I'd made it easy on her these past few weeks. I'd refused to do anything - couldn't go see Angel or my friends, against the rules, that.
Couldn't face up to it.
And Angel... His being gone, well I guess it made sense somehow. She'd been here, when it mattered, been with me. Protected me from Angel, of all people. And now he was gone? There wasn't much to protect me from. Maybe that was just what it had been all along.
"Okay." The finality in my voice surprised me. I knew I should be saying something, telling her she should stay but-- For what? Me? Yeah, right. Angel was gone now. Didn't think Wes would want her around either way - Fred wouldn't care. Spike neither.
I cared, though. And it made letting go that much harder. She didn't want to stay anyway, why fight it?
As I watched her? The place was starting to feel empty already. Faith was leaving, this stuff had all been bought with David's money... There was nothing for me here either.
Except her.
"Don't go?" I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I thought I'd lost everything three month ago when I woke up from that coma. Faith being there had been-- Weird. And then everything had happened and I wasn't sure what I had at all - until I was faced with her walking out the door. "Faith..." She was still packing stuff into that bag, I wasn't even sure she'd heard me right. So I walked forward and took that bag in my hand, dropped it on the bed.
She turned towards me, probably wondered what the fuck I was doing, and I kissed her. I kissed her because I was sorry for yelling at her, sorry because I'd taken Angel away from her too. Sorry because I'd fucked it all up and I couldn't stand there and tell her how I felt about her.
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I let go of the bag automatically as she took the bag out of my hand and dropped it on the bed. Setting my jaw I dragged dark eyes away from the bag and forced myself to look up into her face. Was about to open my mouth to say something to her when her lips met mine, crushing down on them in a needy kinda way.
Freezing for a second I idly wondered if this was how Cordy got what she wanted. Wouldn't really surprise me, it was usually how I got what I wanted. But you don't play the playa if you know what I'm sayin'. But the fact that she wanted me to stay kinda won over the part of me sayin' she was just doin' this to get exactly what she wanted.
"Why do you want me to stay so bad?" I asked as I pulled away slightly, my lips inches from hers.
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I could tell her a pack of lies, hope I didn't get too close, hope I didn't fall. The startling reality though was that I'd already fallen. I'd hit rock bottom. I'd watched my best friend, the one guy I'd loved more than anything else die... And I was still standing.
Not because of me. Not even because of Angel, though I'd tried to get him back. Because of her. Because I didn't want to go anyplace that Faith wasn't with me - even if it hurt.
"Because you're all I've got." I said after a moment, "I can go back to the guys, help the helpless, regain some sense of normality. But none of it matters if you're not here."
When it came to talking about feelings? I was right up there with Angel and Faith in being an expert at running in the opposite direction. But I'd already lost Angel tonight because I couldn't tell him how sorry I was, how I'd felt. I wasn't about to lose her the same way.
"I'm sorry. For Angel, for everything. For pushing you away, for refusing to go see him when we should have. I'm sorry I can't bring him back. And I'm sorry it's taken me 'til now to actually admit that what we had wasn't just down to the alcohol or just sex. You've been here for me these past few months even when I didn't want you to be and that's..." Okay, choking up again! This was one of those conversations that was destined to rip your heart out, no matter what. "I'm not good at this, Faith. Never have been. I just... I want you to stay."
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Now it was Queen C her fucking self tellin' me all this and I gotta say. She was the last person I ever expected to hear it from. I used to think about how cool it would be if Buffy ever said anything like that to me. I knew it would never happen, but ya know what? I thought it was about a million times more likely than Cordelia Chase saying it to me.
My features softened when I realized she was about to cry again. Oh God, don't do that. I didn't think I could handle it if the waterworks came back. Even though I felt like I could cry again at any second.
Shaking my head at her I pressed my fingers to her lips and said "Shhhhhh." She didn't have to apologize to me. It wasn't her fault. It was Angel's own stupid fault, not ours. And besides, if I wanted to see Soul Boy that badly I woulda just snuck out and done it on my own while she was sleepin' or something.
Pressing my lips to hers again I backed her up so that she fell onto the bed. With one hand going behind her head the other one shoved the duffel bag off of it. I wasn't going anywhere. Not when I had something so fucking good, even if I knew it wouldn't last. Nothing good ever does.
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No alcohol. No life or death situations to blame it on. No nothing, I was kissing Faith because I wanted to.
I slid my hand up and into her hair, pulling her closer to me. Her lips were soft, warm.
I could feel the tears slipping down my cheeks. I was relieved, I guess, crying because of it. I'd done the one thing I'd been terrified of since the rebar incident back in High School. I'd opened up, told her how I felt. It had taken my once best friend dying to do it but I had.
We pulled apart for just the barest of seconds and I looked at her, a small smile appearing on my face, "Does that mean you're staying?"
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Damn, why'd she have to cry? She was turnin' me into the biggest softie ever, and no one ever did that to me except her. Vaguely I wondered if this meant she had won and I found I didn't really give a fuck. Win, lose....it was all pretty relative at this point in our lives.
"Yeah, I'll stay." I said quietly before kissing her softly again. It started innocently but this was me here, so nothin' was ever innocent. Besides I just wanted to forget about all of it. Best way to do that? Get lost in something pretty. I always was too easily distracted by shiny things.
"So..." I asked sly, determined to change the subject. "Are you admitting that it wasn't just the booze, that you're just really hot for my body?" I smirked as I kissed my way down her neck, listening to her breath quicken.
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I could feel my shoulders sag in relief. Would have said something. But it was hard to do that when Faith was kissing me.
Faith... Kissing... If I stopped long enough to think about it, the parallels might have outdone me. Faith. Me. Faith. God... But those lips, those soft, full lips-- Well, they were enough to keep my mind occupied... Until she pulled away.
"So... Are you admitting that it wasn't just th ebooze, that you're just really hot for my body?"
"Nope," I murmured with a soft, lazy smile, my breath quickening as she kissed my neck, "I just want you for your brains, Faith." Ha.
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"Well you know, you know what they say." I said, pausing between most of the words to kiss the base of her throat and then up towards her chin again. "I'm wicked smart." I grinned at her wickedly before pressing my lips hard to her's again and slipping my fingers underneath her shirt, feeling her warm flesh underneath my fingertips.
My fingers trailed tentatively up to her full breasts, one fingertip trailing lightly over her nipples. I smirked as she moaned into my mouth.
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