feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
"How could you do that to him?" I asked quietly, knowing full well I wouldn't get a straight answer, "How could you let him alienate himself like that? Make him think that he was alone
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Finally wandering home, I walked in through the front door only to see Cordelia standign in front of it with keys gripped tightly in her hand. Where the hell was she goin'?
"Five by five." I replied flippantly, because let's be honest. I've been gettin' way too attached to Cordy yet. And when you get attatched to people, they usually up and died on you. Better just to forget about it. 'Sides it was just the alcohol anyway, right? "You?" Fuck me! Why did that have to sound like I cared?
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"You?"
Me. How was I, exactly? Aside from blaming myself for this whole thing, for not going to see Angel when I should have, for not-- "I'm okay. Peachy even. Without the pit." I was in a place with fruit, that was a good thing, right?
She stepped forwards into our apartment, clutching her ribs. She'd taken a beaten, would probably never admit to being hurt, so I turned and walked away, grabbing the standard issue First Aid kit that lay under our kitchen counter.
Slayer healing or not, I wasn't taking any chances.
"Where did you go?" I asked her when I came back, not meeting her eyes. I'd been going insane back here, trying to find something to do so I didn't... Well, go insane. I'd thought that if I went to the Powers, made this all okay, there'd be a reason for her to come back. We could go talk to Angel like she wanted and things would be okay again.
Only it hadn't happened like that. And I was starting to realise that despite everything I'd tried to tell myself, this thing with Faith? Wasn't just...
"I told Wes I'd call him," I said softly, gesturing to the couch for her to sit down. When she didn't, I looked up, trying to look as nonchalant as I could, "You need patching up, Faith." At least these wounds I could try to heal.
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Blinking I watched her as she informed that she and Wes were supposed to talk later. About what? It's not like I gave a crap, I did what I was hangin' around to do, now it was time to pack up and head out. Right?
Sighing I sat down on the couch and let her lift my shirt up slightly to examine the bruise underneath it. I was fine, and I was tempted to tell her so even though I knew it would just earn another irritated look from her. She started to get bandages and I shook my head at her. Didn't need no damn nursemaid, I could take care of myself.
"Cordy, chill. I'm fine." I said as I stood up and looked at her. Fuck me, neither of us were fine even a little bit. I wasn't dumb I was pretty sure her and Soul Boy had a little something something goin' on for a little while. This had to suck for her, for real.
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Well, DUH, for a start. She hadn't been here. She hadn't been at any of our usual haunts. I'd kinda figured she'd been out somewhere - I didn't need the whole flippant answer thing.
She sat down on the couch minus the grumbling. Even let me lift up her shirt. I winced when I saw the bruising underneath, wondered what the hell she'd got herself into and reached for the bandages.
"Cordy, chill. I'm fine."
I turned back towards her, dropping the bandages. Was she fine? No. Of course not. How would I ever know, anyway, if she wouldn't tell me?
"You're not fine, Faith," I snapped, "You have enough bruises to last you a month, you won't tell me where you've been and also? You've been crying." And yeah, so had I but I hadn't tried to cover it up with badly re-applied mascara. "So don't tell me you're fine when you're not."
Kettle? Pot here. Hi! You're black.
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My mouth fell open for a bout one second as she told me she knew I'd been crying. What the fuck? Must be a stupid psychic thing, and besides who gave her the right to know that about me? She was gettin' to know me way too well for my liking.
"Fine." I nodded again, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm not fine, and neither than you. And now that we've hugged and shared and cried, am I dismissed?" I clenched my jaw as I looked at her, realizing with every stupid word that came flyin' out of my mouth that takin' this out on her wasn't the best idea I'd ever had.
But like I said. I was no stranger to doin' the stupid thing.
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And maybe I wasn't fine! But at least I didn't use some lameass attempt to-- Wait, I did, actually. But c'mon, it wasn't anything that Faith would outright know was it?
I started packing the bandages away, shoving them this way and that into the box so that they would fit. She was looking at me, staring, and I didn't want to look up, see that empty look in her eyes. It scared me. Made me think I was losing her and--
Damnit.
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Again. This was stupid. This whole apartment was stupid, this whole situation was stupid. Faith was stupid. Angel was stupid for going ahead and dying on us. And most of all? I was stupid for not going to him sooner, for not letting him know that he wasn't alone.
Standing up, I hurled the first aid kit at the wall. I hated this stupid apartment. And this stupid situation. And stupid Angel. And stupid Faith. Except the sad part?
Was that that the latter two, I didn't hate at all. I kind of loved them. And now one was dead and the other one was hurting. And I had no idea what to do about it.
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I flinched in spite of myself as the first aid kit thunked against the wall and fell hard to the floor below, scattering bandages and antiseptic on the carpet.
Clenching my jaw I looked back at her with a resigned look. This wasn't doin' any of us any little bit of good and it was pretty fucking sad when I was the voice of reason around here. Guess we both just needed to lash out...at eachother.
"What do you want from me?" I asked exasperated. Because she clearly didn't want me. Sure, she'd been lonely when she woke up from the coma, i got that. But now she had Wes and Fred and all her pals back. She didn't need me.
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Geez, a reaction maybe! Something that told me that she didn't have to fuck off and find something to hit to show some emotion.
"Nothing, Faith," I muttered, my voice dripping with sarcasm, "Absolutely nothing." She could cope with that, couldn't she? She could leave with a clear conscience since it was so goddamn obvious she didn't want to be around me anyway.
I moved forwards, picking up the First Aid kit from the floor. I kept going over things in my mind - things the Powers had said about guilt. Powerful emotion, that. About Angel being alone.
He had been, at the end, because of me. Maybe pushing Faith away like this was just easier because sooner or later she'd hate me for what I'd done anyway.
I scooped up the remants of the First Aid kit, the stuff from my spell and tossed them in the trash, wiping my hands on my jeans. "You feel better?" She looked at me, annoyed, I think, puzzled. "After your pummelling, I mean." Goddamnit, I hated that I was so worried about her and she was so-- So Faith about it all. "'Cause I was thinking, hey, if it worked for you? Maybe I could go out and find something to hit me. A lot."
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Nothing.
That's what she wanted from me, and that was just fine. Not like I wanted anything from her either, I already got what I wanted. She got what she wanted. It was a done deal. Why the hell was I still standin' here?
"You can do whatever you want." I shot back at her as I stormed into my bedroom.
Fuck her! Her and her stupid holier than thou attitude. And fuck that glare that got me to shut up faster than anyone else could! And most of all fuck that I even gave a flying crap about her because I shouldn't. I should only be lookin' out for number one. How many times I gotta learn that one the hard way?
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And I really debated walking outside and doing just that, except-- Except I didn't really want to. Couldn't really rationalise being beat to shit or...
Fuck.
So I followed Faith, stood right there in her doorway and looked at her, "Why do you have to make everything so fucking hard? I was worried about you damnit! And don't give me any of that bullshit about being able to take care of yourself because Angel could take care of himself and look where that got him."
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Shaking my head I pulled my duffel bag out of the closet and started to throw my clothes into it. I'd have to maybe call David and thank him for all the stuff. It was wicked nice of him to hook me and Cordelia up.
Wasn't sure where I was gonna go. Didn't matter, just away. Anywhere but here. I heard Cleveland was nice, think Kennedy was up there tryin' to protect the new hellmouth. Maybe I'd go and lend a hand. Not like I got anything better to do.
I turned dark eyes toward the door when I heard Cordelia from the doorway.
"Why do you worry about me?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. "It's not like we got any ties. You never liked me, and I never liked you. We got thrown together cause of this stupid crap with Soul Boy. Yeah well now it's over, congratulations you're getting rid of me." I bit out at her.
Oh yeah, and we couldn't forget to blame the alcohol. Bitch.
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Why is it that I always pick the goddamn dumb ones? Why is it that I always pick the fixer upper or the ex-psycho, huh? Because seriously, this? Is getting old.
"Oh, so I'm getting rid of you, huh? Well yay me, gotta love that then!" I want to lash out. I really wish I had something in my hand so that I could toss it at her. Hard. "And hey, you're right! I didn't like you! But it sure as hell didn't stop me from actually giving half a damn about--"
Wait, wait, wait! She has a duffel bag. A duffel bag she's tossing clothes into. To say I'm ill-prepared for that whole stab of fear thing? Would be an understatement.
"You're leaving?" And what, did we just turn into the Old fucking Married's or something? "Where... Where you going?"
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Still nothing prepared me for the sound of her voice when she asked if I was leaving. She sounded....scared. Now why the hell would she be scared that I was leaving? She didn't need me anymore, didn't she get that?
"Yeah." I answered her quietly as I walked to the closet and took out a few more pairs of leather pants and threw them into the bag. "I dunno. Just away." Why the hell'd she even care anyway?
I knew the one word answers pissed her off, but there just didn't seem that much to say. 'Sides if I looked at her, I might just dump all the clothes back out on the bed and swear to never ever leave which would probably be the dumbest thing I'd ever do. Fuck it. Sick of letting everyone get to me. Time I started doin' for myself again.
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I watched her as she went to the closet, taking out more of her clothes. I couldn't blame her, really, wanting to leave. It wasn't like I'd made it easy on her these past few weeks. I'd refused to do anything - couldn't go see Angel or my friends, against the rules, that.
Couldn't face up to it.
And Angel... His being gone, well I guess it made sense somehow. She'd been here, when it mattered, been with me. Protected me from Angel, of all people. And now he was gone? There wasn't much to protect me from. Maybe that was just what it had been all along.
"Okay." The finality in my voice surprised me. I knew I should be saying something, telling her she should stay but-- For what? Me? Yeah, right. Angel was gone now. Didn't think Wes would want her around either way - Fred wouldn't care. Spike neither.
I cared, though. And it made letting go that much harder. She didn't want to stay anyway, why fight it?
As I watched her? The place was starting to feel empty already. Faith was leaving, this stuff had all been bought with David's money... There was nothing for me here either.
Except her.
"Don't go?" I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I thought I'd lost everything three month ago when I woke up from that coma. Faith being there had been-- Weird. And then everything had happened and I wasn't sure what I had at all - until I was faced with her walking out the door. "Faith..." She was still packing stuff into that bag, I wasn't even sure she'd heard me right. So I walked forward and took that bag in my hand, dropped it on the bed.
She turned towards me, probably wondered what the fuck I was doing, and I kissed her. I kissed her because I was sorry for yelling at her, sorry because I'd taken Angel away from her too. Sorry because I'd fucked it all up and I couldn't stand there and tell her how I felt about her.
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I let go of the bag automatically as she took the bag out of my hand and dropped it on the bed. Setting my jaw I dragged dark eyes away from the bag and forced myself to look up into her face. Was about to open my mouth to say something to her when her lips met mine, crushing down on them in a needy kinda way.
Freezing for a second I idly wondered if this was how Cordy got what she wanted. Wouldn't really surprise me, it was usually how I got what I wanted. But you don't play the playa if you know what I'm sayin'. But the fact that she wanted me to stay kinda won over the part of me sayin' she was just doin' this to get exactly what she wanted.
"Why do you want me to stay so bad?" I asked as I pulled away slightly, my lips inches from hers.
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I could tell her a pack of lies, hope I didn't get too close, hope I didn't fall. The startling reality though was that I'd already fallen. I'd hit rock bottom. I'd watched my best friend, the one guy I'd loved more than anything else die... And I was still standing.
Not because of me. Not even because of Angel, though I'd tried to get him back. Because of her. Because I didn't want to go anyplace that Faith wasn't with me - even if it hurt.
"Because you're all I've got." I said after a moment, "I can go back to the guys, help the helpless, regain some sense of normality. But none of it matters if you're not here."
When it came to talking about feelings? I was right up there with Angel and Faith in being an expert at running in the opposite direction. But I'd already lost Angel tonight because I couldn't tell him how sorry I was, how I'd felt. I wasn't about to lose her the same way.
"I'm sorry. For Angel, for everything. For pushing you away, for refusing to go see him when we should have. I'm sorry I can't bring him back. And I'm sorry it's taken me 'til now to actually admit that what we had wasn't just down to the alcohol or just sex. You've been here for me these past few months even when I didn't want you to be and that's..." Okay, choking up again! This was one of those conversations that was destined to rip your heart out, no matter what. "I'm not good at this, Faith. Never have been. I just... I want you to stay."
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