Awkward Pause

[lastguardian]

I practically had to fight back the tears as Angel stalked off to conduct his business with Wesley and Connor. I couldn’t believe that he’d been so unbelievably cold - couldn’t believe that he’d ever think that “forgot to mention it” would pass as an excuse when it came to something this big. Then again, Angel had been the only guy who’d ever

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[buffys_bitch]

“I missed you, I never stopped thinking about you or all the things I could have done differently that night.”

Wasn't expecting those words. They fill me up, help to banish some of the ache inside. She did think about me, mourned a little. That's all a bloke need hope for.

"I missed you too." I confess. Without thinking, I step closer and reach up to touch her cheek. To confirm she's really there. If I want it bad enough, I tell myself, I can do this. My fingers graze against skin for the briefest moment before they pass through completely. I look into her eyes with a mixture of hope and disappointment, before I finally let my hand drop to my side.

"Sucked out of heaven? Buffy, this is me you are talking to. A vampire who destroyed lives for well on a century. Not likely I would end up at the pearly gates with cherubs trumpeting my arrival, love. I don't remember what it was like. Just felt myself burn up and die and then I was here, in Angel's office screaming my guts out from the pain. No big deal, no wrenching from on high or anything."

I smile down at her ruefully, sometimes I think she forgets what I am. A monster who should have been dead long ago. Same thing with Angel. No wonder we end up hurting her. At least now I can't. Can't hurt the girl if I can't touch her.

[lastguardian]

When his hand goes through my skin, it only confirms everything that I don’t want to admit to myself now that he’s standing in front of me. Spike is dead in the sense that dead means something. Oh, God.

“I guess...” I don’t know what I was thinking when the question about heaven popped out of my mouth. I guess it’s just that the idea of coming back from the dead after saving the world hits me kinda hard. “Well I guess that’s... that’s good, right?” The look on his face is simultaneously one of perfect happiness and perfect despair, and I have to bite my lip to keep from bursting into tears.

I’d loved him so much, no matter how hard I’d tried to convince myself otherwise. Vampires and their souls, always stealing my heart and then dying because of me. And there he weas, all translucent with his dumb sad smile all loving and - no, biting my lip wasn’t going to help. I felt the tears fill my eyes and I burst into a fit of sobs, my entire body convulsing with emotion.

“I am so sorry,” I finally managed to gasp, trying unsuccessfully to control myself. “I am so, so sorry.”

[buffys_bitch]

"Hey.." I murmur softly. "No tears, ok? No regrets." I can't wipe the dampness away from her cheek or fold her into my arms to calm the trembling. Instead all I can do is stand there and try to soothe her with my meagre words.

"I wore the necklace because it was the right thing to do. Wasn't gonna let you take the risk. I went into it with my eyes open, Buffy. Knew the price and was willing to pay. After all I did? Least I could do. Plus it was a way to say thank you, for being the only one to have faith in me. It meant a lot."

I look down at my shoes, unsure what else to say. At least brood boy has scarpered and left us to talk in private, if you can call the lobby private. I try to change the subject, make it easier.

"So what are you doing in LA? Going to school here? I know you wanted to finish what you started. Now with the hellmouth all closed and slayer gig shared out, you can right?"

[lastguardian]

I try to smile, try to forget about the tears that are stinging my eyes, but I can't. I just can't. The wounds have been reopened and some big giant salt monster in the sky is rubbing them, he couldn't care less that I'm falling apart. Then Spike does something unimaginable. Decidedly un-Spike. He changes the subject instead of letting me wallow (and I was getting so good at wallowing).

"Um. Not school, it's been kinda hard to give up the whole 'I am Buffy, I am Chosen' thing. I'm here for Angel, actually," I say, before clapping my hand over my mouth. I said that? I actually said that? To Spike? Okay Buffy, foot in mouth. Again. Way to go.

"To help him do... something," I clarified in the vaguest sense of the word. "Protect someone. You know the drill..."

[buffys_bitch]

I'm here for Angel, actually.

Just the words I don't want to hear. Should have known they'd start up again the minute I was a dusty footnote in the annals of apocalyptic battles. See it in her eyes and the mortified way she tries to cover up what she'd just let slip.

"Yeah, I know the drill." I mutter darkly, a bitter edge to my voice. What did I expect, anyway? "Gotta help Angel be all hero-like. Help the hopeless and such. Watched the training video, got the shiny membership pin."

What more is there to say? She's here for the big brooding git. Never had a chance did I? Not while he was still looming in the picture.

"How's Dawn?"

[lastguardian]

“Don’t be like that,” I say flatly, and I’m Buffy again, Buffy pissed at Spike for being decidedly un-herolike. “Don’t be all sarcastic and thinks-he-knows-everything guy, because you don’t know anything about this. This is a completely new situation.”

Is it though? non-defensive Buffy asks defensive Buffy, and I really don’t have an answer to it. Angel and I have gotten so good at playing tragic lovers on opposite ends of the world (or a couple of hours apart) that I barely remember what it was like to be in his arms.

And Angel doesn’t seem all that keen on reminding me, either.

Plus, now with Spike here in his noncorporeality, I have two vampires to moon over hopelessly. If everything were reversed - if Angel were the ghost and Spike were the solid one and Spike were my long lost love, then this would all work out just fine. Just fine.

Yay for shock.

“Dawn’s fine.” I can’t think about Dawn right now. Dawn would’ve known what to say to Spike if she happened to run into the see-through version. Spike wasn’t Dawn’s Great Love 2.0. “She’s... in high school. Hemery. I burned down the gym there once. It was kind of the prequel to Sunnydale High.”

[buffys_bitch]

“Don’t be all sarcastic and thinks-he-knows-everything guy, because you don’t know anything about this. This is a completely new situation.”

"And why do I get the feeling that I'm gonna continue to not know anything about it too? Soulboy crooks his little finger and you're back by his side lickety split. You say it's a new situation. I say it's a broken bloody record. Tomato, tomahto, potato, potahto, let's call the whole soddin' thing off..."

I make silly gestures and pretty much act like an ass. Yeah, make it easier for her. That's the ticket.

“Dawn’s fine. She’s... in high school. Hemery. I burned down the gym there once. It was kind of the prequel to Sunnydale High.”

I nod at that though. Wouldn't have minded to see the little bit. Miss her something fierce, even though she never quite opened up to me again after...after.

"Good. At least someone's happy."

[lastguardian]

“Soulboy crooks his little finger and you're back by his side lickety split.

“Look,” I start, all ways of defensive. “This isn’t about Angel, Spike. And I don’t even know why we’re having this argument when all I want is to be thrilled that you’re standing in front of me, ghost or spirit or... God, whatever you are.”

I sigh, running my hands through my hair nervously. Things used to be so much simpler. See vampire, slay vampire. Then souls came into play and I really didn’t have a problem slaying vampires that weren’t related to Angel.

Spike’s right, it always goes backs to Angel. Spike just has no idea why.

"Good. At least someone's happy."

“Obviously you’ve never been to high school.”

[buffys_bitch]

“Look. This isn’t about Angel, Spike. And I don’t even know why we’re having this argument when all I want is to be thrilled that you’re standing in front of me, ghost or spirit or... God, whatever you are.”

"I'm nothing, love. Just a mote being tossed about by the winds of fate. The sooner you accept that and move on the better. At least Angel has a body, he could thrill you. I can't. And that's that."

I shrug and look away. This is not how I wanted it to go. But we don't always get what we want.

“Obviously you’ve never been to high school.”

"Obviously. Actually, there's a lot of things I've never done, Buffy. Like thanked you for your faith in me. For letting me have the good end. Went out in a blaze of glory, just like in the movies, didn't I? Pity they had to make a sequal. It's bound to be a disappointment, right?" I can't look at her anymore, I need to get away for a while, sort out what the hell is going on, where I stand.

"I'll see you around, Buffy. I just...can't do this, not right now." I stride away from her. Don't want to hurt her, but somethings never change.