(no subject)
It's really hard to be smiley and happy and delightful when you are panicking about the state of your life. Especially when you know that you are getting too involved with something that--while it might feel like a very, very good thing--you are very wavering about, and you are very, very hesitant about making up your mind.
Let's have a little moment.
I am fucking paranoid. Not because, oh, hey, I may find myself getting romantically involved with someone who lives forever away (sup monique?), but because I have trust issues. This is a big thing, partly because my parents are pure, unadulterated evil. I can't trust people. Ever. Anyone. I just cannot trust them. I think that's why I don't keep friends as long as most people do; because I never know if I can trust them. And, with me, trust is kind of a big thing. That whole Doran thing failed because, well... that's a lot more complicated, but, if you pick all of the meat off the chicken, it is just a skeleton of trust issues.
I'm not the kind of person that is at ease knowing things. Sure, someone could say that things are fine, but I'm never convinced. I have to be ultimately certain, and even after that, I will still question myself ninety-three times. Maybe it's a little bit of OCD in me, or maybe I'm just broken. Either way, I'm neurotic and stupid and should just shut up.
But I won't.
I really want to trust people. I want to tell them secrets. I want to rob a bank with someone, and trust that they're not going to rat me out. I want to be sure that people are my friends, and don't talk about me with their other friends (which, I know, it's life, that happens, but still). I want to trust someone enough to love them, and love someone enough to trust them, but I never can. That is why I am--obviously--unsuccessful in relationships.
That, and some people are just intolerable.
Other than that, my life is still boring. Closing tomorrow at Towson, then back at White Marsh to close for Sheva so she can have some sick time. Then, Sunday, is Thomas Day. Huzzah!
Let's have a little moment.
I am fucking paranoid. Not because, oh, hey, I may find myself getting romantically involved with someone who lives forever away (sup monique?), but because I have trust issues. This is a big thing, partly because my parents are pure, unadulterated evil. I can't trust people. Ever. Anyone. I just cannot trust them. I think that's why I don't keep friends as long as most people do; because I never know if I can trust them. And, with me, trust is kind of a big thing. That whole Doran thing failed because, well... that's a lot more complicated, but, if you pick all of the meat off the chicken, it is just a skeleton of trust issues.
I'm not the kind of person that is at ease knowing things. Sure, someone could say that things are fine, but I'm never convinced. I have to be ultimately certain, and even after that, I will still question myself ninety-three times. Maybe it's a little bit of OCD in me, or maybe I'm just broken. Either way, I'm neurotic and stupid and should just shut up.
But I won't.
I really want to trust people. I want to tell them secrets. I want to rob a bank with someone, and trust that they're not going to rat me out. I want to be sure that people are my friends, and don't talk about me with their other friends (which, I know, it's life, that happens, but still). I want to trust someone enough to love them, and love someone enough to trust them, but I never can. That is why I am--obviously--unsuccessful in relationships.
That, and some people are just intolerable.
Other than that, my life is still boring. Closing tomorrow at Towson, then back at White Marsh to close for Sheva so she can have some sick time. Then, Sunday, is Thomas Day. Huzzah!