I feel dead.
Meh. I'm not feeling so good. Not like I'm phisically sick or anything, just a little...bored? Depressed? Maybe both. I'm also feeling a little crappy about Jon...not so much HIM, but not being so wrapped up in him anymore. That used to be fun. I talked to him today for the first time in 3 days - I made a point of staying offline, just to see what would happen..I don't know what I expected, for god sake. Just wanted to see if he'd even notice, in the first place, I guess. Anyway yeah, I was talking to him today for a couple of minutes..conversation sucked. I kept myself distant and unflirty, and he replied in his usual self air of 'I don't care one way or the other.' Which, I realize, is the way he always talked to me. Oh sure, there are the odd few times when he'll be extra flirty or nice or happy or sad, but most of the time its just monotone, as far as I can tell. Of course, I've only ever really talked to him (besides in person, of course) on msn, never on the phone, so its hard to tell. Sometimes its like he's so insensitive, it makes me think he's stupid or something. How can he not notice that I (used to, anyway) LOVE talking to him...I'd practically float to bed and around the next morning after one of our late night flirtier chats. Its funny, I always used to excuse this insensitivity before, but now its harder. Now that I've opened my eyes to the real Jon, I'm gonna try and keep them open. No more painting a fairy tale picture about us being so close and understanding each other or whatever the hell I thought about. Although I have to say I was definitley happier a week ago, when my mind was still in the clouds, I don't think its good for me to do so much imagining. I'm just setting my self up for a let down, especially since we're talking about Jon - who I'm not sure if he's even CAPABLE of being romantic, even expressing himself. And if he is, he's doing a damn well good job of hiding it. I really would like a look inside his soul, though. To know the real him. Because now that I think of it, our conversations on msn over the last few months, the ones that I've been calling so romantic and flirty and "we're at a new level of understanding now"...wasn't that at all. I mean, sure we talked about pretty serious stuff (sometimes) but it was mostly just ME saying what I felt about somethings...not like he wouldn't talk, but...I dunno. Its like I was the one always guessing what he really felt about it, while I actually said what I felt. Ehh...probably didn't say that right, but thats okay. This journal is only for me, anyway.
God, for the last few days I've been moping around constantly reading - and when I say constantly, I mean it. Well, maybe 'moping' isn't the right word, because I've really got nothing to mope about, except maybe Jon, but as I've already said that really doesn't bother me that much -honestly! No..its like I have no drive for anything anymore. I could call Brittany and go for a bike ride, or Renee and watch a movie, or even Ashley if I wanted to. Or I could take Haley for a walk or go for a jog myself or jump on the trampoline with Mike or anything, really..but I've just never felt like it. Hopefully it'll pass in a few days. While this time for just me might be good in the first few days, I'm sure after awhile its gonna turn completely unhealthy. Sigh..I find myself wishing once again (to no prevail) that I was a more social person. But thats that, I'm not, whatever. I have, I'm pleased to announce, been excersizing and taking care of my face a little better lately. I looked closely at myself the other day, and didn't QUITE like what I saw, though I've never really had a real problem with my body. I just found my skin wasn't that great and I didn't have the rippling abs (lol) I once had. So I worked out, fairly hard, and starting washing my face and using my acne cream more straineously (sp?) So thats good I guess.
I'm done talking now...I've worn myself out, I think.
Ahh for god sake, I've been waiting forever for dad to get off the phone so I could post this, and now moms on there. DAMN IT TO HELL. Hmm...I'd really like to throw a temper tantrum soon...I think that'd be good for me, you know? Maybe things would be alright after that....or hey, they might be worse.
Leah
God, for the last few days I've been moping around constantly reading - and when I say constantly, I mean it. Well, maybe 'moping' isn't the right word, because I've really got nothing to mope about, except maybe Jon, but as I've already said that really doesn't bother me that much -honestly! No..its like I have no drive for anything anymore. I could call Brittany and go for a bike ride, or Renee and watch a movie, or even Ashley if I wanted to. Or I could take Haley for a walk or go for a jog myself or jump on the trampoline with Mike or anything, really..but I've just never felt like it. Hopefully it'll pass in a few days. While this time for just me might be good in the first few days, I'm sure after awhile its gonna turn completely unhealthy. Sigh..I find myself wishing once again (to no prevail) that I was a more social person. But thats that, I'm not, whatever. I have, I'm pleased to announce, been excersizing and taking care of my face a little better lately. I looked closely at myself the other day, and didn't QUITE like what I saw, though I've never really had a real problem with my body. I just found my skin wasn't that great and I didn't have the rippling abs (lol) I once had. So I worked out, fairly hard, and starting washing my face and using my acne cream more straineously (sp?) So thats good I guess.
I'm done talking now...I've worn myself out, I think.
Ahh for god sake, I've been waiting forever for dad to get off the phone so I could post this, and now moms on there. DAMN IT TO HELL. Hmm...I'd really like to throw a temper tantrum soon...I think that'd be good for me, you know? Maybe things would be alright after that....or hey, they might be worse.
Leah