A Thought On Rape
Something I read in another journal has gotten me thinking about rape and how society sends a very dangerous mixed message to men. Over and over people say that rape isn't about sex, it's about violence and power, but that isn't exactly true. Rape is about violence, control and power, for women. I don't know that that is always true for men. I believe that it is entirely possible that sometimes in their minds, it is in fact about sex. Really fucked up sex, but still.
When I was raped it was by a man who I'd known for a few weeks. I considered him a friend. Not a close friend, but someone to hang out with. Honestly, I was interested in dating him, but I was in a relationship at the time, so that wasn't an option. However that does mean that I flirted with him a lot though. I'm sure I was sending sexual signals to him left and right. I was fourteen and all full of hormones and not terribly subtle.
When he raped me, I didn't think there was any question of what had happened. He beat me. He strangle me till I blacked out, and penetrated me violently enough that I bled for days afterward. But there were a lot of drugs involved, and perceptions were blurred.
The next day he sent me a dozen yellow roses and a note thanking me for the evening. A day later he called and asked me to a party. I don't think it ever occurred to him that he was a rapist. He always portrayed the night as us hooking up, and me freaking out because of the drugs, and him having to quiet me down before someone called the cops. Maybe he was a little over zealous with the force he used, but it was really more of a kinky sex thing. I have never understood how he could possibly believe any of this. For a long time I thought he was just lying trying to cover things up. Like he was trying to rewrite history. Then I thought it was just denial verging on delusion. Very likely it -was- one or both of these things. But , now I'm wondering if maybe something else was going on.
I wonder if by constantly repeating that rape has nothing to do with sex, we are setting up a dynamic where men think what they are doing is not rape if they really are looking for sex.
This obviously does not hold true for men who violently assault strangers, and brutal serial rapists. But maybe it plays a part in date rape. It's just a thought.