(no subject)
The almighty second post.
I went to the choir concert tonight. I'm really proud of myself because normally I would just stay home, but tonight I broke out of my shell for the first time. I didn't find out about it until a half an hour before it started, and I called Mary to see if she was going. I ended up going with her and some of her other friends, which is a big deal for me because normally I would have been to shy to hang out with people I'd never met. And I had to go by myself and meet her in a huge cathedral I'd never been to before, but I did it. And I'm glad I did. It's been a long time since I've been to a concert--probably since I quit band in high school. It was a pretty good show. They sounded beautiful, which of course made me feel a pang of envy because I almost joined this semester but I couldn't because of work. It really made me thing about joining the next chance I get though. There's just something about a beautiful performance--it's almost like an assault on your senses. The church was huge with beautiful paintings and statues and carvings, and the faint sense of incense hung in the background which brought all kinds of memories from my childhood back to me. And the choir looked great. The girls were dressed in solid black dresses and the men in tuxedos, so whenever they did something with their hands, the contrast between their hands and the black fabric popped out at you. Plus they sounded amazing. Nothing is more beautiful than an acapella choir. Sometimes simplicity can be so moving. They did a really good job, and I'm glad I went because it was the first time it felt like Christmas to me. I didn't put the tree up this year and money's really tight since the move so I literally haven't bought a single present, it just feels like Christmas skipped by me this year. But tonight, it was like I was a part of the season.
I ran into Dave there, though, which was weird. I ran into Nicole too, so double weird. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. When I used to see him right after what happened, I was literally consumed with anger. I could feel my heart race and my blood boil, and I could feel the color flushing up around my neck and face. I could physically feel my emotions take over. But I've tried to overcome that because he's not worth it. He never was. And it is so pointless to let someone so insignificant cause me so much pain and anguish. It's hard because I think a big part of the reason I was so angry is I blamed myself. Everyone around me told me not to trust him, that he wasn't a good friend, but I couldn't listen. And then I got burned and it was like everyone was pointing at me, screaming "I told you so!" Then I just had to sit and wonder why I was so stubborn that I couldn't listen to anyone. I'm too proud for my own good. I spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with that--that a lot of what happened could have been prevented, and that it's over. Getting upset doesn't change anything, and I can't go back and I can't forget. But I can learn. And I've learned a lot. I've learned not to be so trusting of the world because even people you think care about you can hurt you, in fact, they can hurt you the most. And I've learned that I always need to look out for myself first because if I don't, no one else will. And I've learned to be suspicious. Maybe those aren't good things to learn, and maybe I was less jaded before all this happened, but those are things I needed to learn, and it's probably a good thing I have learned them now on a smaller scale than it could have been. But it was weird seeing him. I didn't react the way I did before, it wasn't as hard. But it still hurt. He was my best friend for a long time, and he took advantage of me and used me and I'll never really get over it.
Arghh. Moving on.
The semester's almost over. Three days left and then exams and it's over. Thank God. I've screwed up a lot this semester and I just can't wait to put it behind me. I was burnt out when I came here, and I probably should have taken a year off but I didn't and it hurt me. I skipped a lot of class and I didn't do a lot of the reading--it felt like every day was just a race to try and keep up, and everything I did was just enough to get by, never what I should have been doing to do a good job. That's not me. Well, the skipping class part is. But normally I do the best job I can, and even then I'm not satisfied. I was really hard on myself about screwing up before, but I think I'm finally easing up on myself. I say screwing up, but I'm still probably going to get A's and B's. Everyone makes mistakes, and this was the only really bad semester I've had, and if I can have only one bad semester in my college career, then I think I'm doing pretty good. For awhile, I didn't want to go back next semester but if I don't I'll really screw up my grants and loans, so I signed up but I only took the bare minimum credits to get by. But I'm finally starting to look forward to school. This semester's not even over, and I'm already looking forward to coming back. I have some classes that I think I'm excited about. I'm taking Psych 494, which is pretty high, so I think it's going to be a challenge, and I'm looking forward to it. And I'm taking Studies in the Short Story, which I think I'm really going to like. Plus my favorite, I'm taking Advanced Creative Writing. It's supposedly an honor to get in because you have to be accepted by the professor, you can't just take it. And he let me in. So that must mean something. I haven't written anything in a long time, and I'm looking forward to pushing myself. I want to develop myself as a writer, and I think this teacher is going to be able to help me do that. He's been published a lot, and he seems like a cool guy.
But even though next semester's looking good, I'm starting to feel down about school again. I finally started looking into getting into the education department, and it's not looking good. I haven't taken the Praxis test yet, and without those scores I can't get accepted into the department, and without being in the department I can't take any education classes at all. I was supposed to be in the department in the spring semester, but I ran out of my loan money and never took the test and now I'm a semester behind. It was already supposed to take me two and a half years to graduate because of the transfer, but now it's probably going to take my at least three years. That really pisses me off because I pushed myself so hard at gogo taking 18-21 credits a semester so I could be done in four years, and now it was for nothing. And because I can't taken any of the education classes I'm supposed to take, and because all the classes offered next semester I've already met my requirement in the category they meet or because I haven't taken the prerequisites for them, I'm having a hard time getting to full time status. So I think I have decided to double major. I was going to major in English and minor in psychology, but there is a program called Broad Social Studies Major, and you have a concentration in a field, like psychology, and then you take a whole bunch of other classes like history, sociology, anthropology, and geography, and then you're qualified to teach in all of those subjects. I've been looking into it and I've already taken a lot of those classes, so it wouldn't be too many more credits. And it'd make me a lot more marketable when applying for a job. I'm going to sit down and plot out my schedule for the next 3 years, and it if looks like I could get it done without having to stay any longer than necessary, I'm going to do it. At least then I will make the most of the extra time I'll have to spend here. I'm just worried that when I try to find a job, I'll get hired as like a history teacher and then get comfortable and never pursue teaching English. And that would really disappoint me.
I talked to Brad tonight, but not for very long. I called him to see if he wanted to go to the concert, but then Mary called and I went with her and I didn't have long to talk to him before the show so it was only like 10 minutes. I told him I needed to drop his cookies off and he asked if I wanted to hang out sometime this week. I'm not going to look forward to it though because I've got exams next week and I've got to get the apartment clean before we go home for Christmas. It just seems like everything we plan falls through lately and we've drifted apart a lot. When we first started hanging out, we were going out to lunch a couple times a week and playing cards and going to the casino and the movies. And now. . . I don't know. I know he's been going through a hard time at work, but I think there's more to it then that. I think Kay said something to him because of how he's been acting, but it frustrates me. I understand if she did because I'm a jealous person and I can see how she must feel, but Brad is the only really good friend I've made since we've moved here and he's been really good for me and I hate to lose him. He doesn't let me feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I hate him for it, but other times it's just what I need. He puts things in perspective for me and when I say or do something stupid, he says "You're so fucking stupid." I know that sounds mean, but damn it, it works. So many people coddle me all the time, it's nice to have something honest like that.
Josh called tonight too. Twice today, actually. I don't know what I did to deserve the honor. I haven't talked to him much these last couple days, and whenever that happens it always scares me. I told him when we started talking that the past was history, and I was over it, but the more we talk and the closer we get, the more I realize it's not over. We don't talk for two days, and it's because he's working or tired or sick, but right away I assume it's because he hates me. I hate that I feel that way because in my head, I know there's a logical reason, but I just can't convince my heart that. Then I end up flipping out on him, which probably just pushes him away or scares him, and that's exactly what I don't want to do. I worry that I'm too serious too soon or that I expect too much of him. At the end of the day, I just don't want to lose his friendship. In a weird way, we're going through a lot of the same things, and I know it sounds stupid, but I think we're good for each other right now.
Believe it or not, I think I'm finally done writing. Either way, I should stop before I think of something else to talk about because this is more than long enough for one night.
I went to the choir concert tonight. I'm really proud of myself because normally I would just stay home, but tonight I broke out of my shell for the first time. I didn't find out about it until a half an hour before it started, and I called Mary to see if she was going. I ended up going with her and some of her other friends, which is a big deal for me because normally I would have been to shy to hang out with people I'd never met. And I had to go by myself and meet her in a huge cathedral I'd never been to before, but I did it. And I'm glad I did. It's been a long time since I've been to a concert--probably since I quit band in high school. It was a pretty good show. They sounded beautiful, which of course made me feel a pang of envy because I almost joined this semester but I couldn't because of work. It really made me thing about joining the next chance I get though. There's just something about a beautiful performance--it's almost like an assault on your senses. The church was huge with beautiful paintings and statues and carvings, and the faint sense of incense hung in the background which brought all kinds of memories from my childhood back to me. And the choir looked great. The girls were dressed in solid black dresses and the men in tuxedos, so whenever they did something with their hands, the contrast between their hands and the black fabric popped out at you. Plus they sounded amazing. Nothing is more beautiful than an acapella choir. Sometimes simplicity can be so moving. They did a really good job, and I'm glad I went because it was the first time it felt like Christmas to me. I didn't put the tree up this year and money's really tight since the move so I literally haven't bought a single present, it just feels like Christmas skipped by me this year. But tonight, it was like I was a part of the season.
I ran into Dave there, though, which was weird. I ran into Nicole too, so double weird. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. When I used to see him right after what happened, I was literally consumed with anger. I could feel my heart race and my blood boil, and I could feel the color flushing up around my neck and face. I could physically feel my emotions take over. But I've tried to overcome that because he's not worth it. He never was. And it is so pointless to let someone so insignificant cause me so much pain and anguish. It's hard because I think a big part of the reason I was so angry is I blamed myself. Everyone around me told me not to trust him, that he wasn't a good friend, but I couldn't listen. And then I got burned and it was like everyone was pointing at me, screaming "I told you so!" Then I just had to sit and wonder why I was so stubborn that I couldn't listen to anyone. I'm too proud for my own good. I spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with that--that a lot of what happened could have been prevented, and that it's over. Getting upset doesn't change anything, and I can't go back and I can't forget. But I can learn. And I've learned a lot. I've learned not to be so trusting of the world because even people you think care about you can hurt you, in fact, they can hurt you the most. And I've learned that I always need to look out for myself first because if I don't, no one else will. And I've learned to be suspicious. Maybe those aren't good things to learn, and maybe I was less jaded before all this happened, but those are things I needed to learn, and it's probably a good thing I have learned them now on a smaller scale than it could have been. But it was weird seeing him. I didn't react the way I did before, it wasn't as hard. But it still hurt. He was my best friend for a long time, and he took advantage of me and used me and I'll never really get over it.
Arghh. Moving on.
The semester's almost over. Three days left and then exams and it's over. Thank God. I've screwed up a lot this semester and I just can't wait to put it behind me. I was burnt out when I came here, and I probably should have taken a year off but I didn't and it hurt me. I skipped a lot of class and I didn't do a lot of the reading--it felt like every day was just a race to try and keep up, and everything I did was just enough to get by, never what I should have been doing to do a good job. That's not me. Well, the skipping class part is. But normally I do the best job I can, and even then I'm not satisfied. I was really hard on myself about screwing up before, but I think I'm finally easing up on myself. I say screwing up, but I'm still probably going to get A's and B's. Everyone makes mistakes, and this was the only really bad semester I've had, and if I can have only one bad semester in my college career, then I think I'm doing pretty good. For awhile, I didn't want to go back next semester but if I don't I'll really screw up my grants and loans, so I signed up but I only took the bare minimum credits to get by. But I'm finally starting to look forward to school. This semester's not even over, and I'm already looking forward to coming back. I have some classes that I think I'm excited about. I'm taking Psych 494, which is pretty high, so I think it's going to be a challenge, and I'm looking forward to it. And I'm taking Studies in the Short Story, which I think I'm really going to like. Plus my favorite, I'm taking Advanced Creative Writing. It's supposedly an honor to get in because you have to be accepted by the professor, you can't just take it. And he let me in. So that must mean something. I haven't written anything in a long time, and I'm looking forward to pushing myself. I want to develop myself as a writer, and I think this teacher is going to be able to help me do that. He's been published a lot, and he seems like a cool guy.
But even though next semester's looking good, I'm starting to feel down about school again. I finally started looking into getting into the education department, and it's not looking good. I haven't taken the Praxis test yet, and without those scores I can't get accepted into the department, and without being in the department I can't take any education classes at all. I was supposed to be in the department in the spring semester, but I ran out of my loan money and never took the test and now I'm a semester behind. It was already supposed to take me two and a half years to graduate because of the transfer, but now it's probably going to take my at least three years. That really pisses me off because I pushed myself so hard at gogo taking 18-21 credits a semester so I could be done in four years, and now it was for nothing. And because I can't taken any of the education classes I'm supposed to take, and because all the classes offered next semester I've already met my requirement in the category they meet or because I haven't taken the prerequisites for them, I'm having a hard time getting to full time status. So I think I have decided to double major. I was going to major in English and minor in psychology, but there is a program called Broad Social Studies Major, and you have a concentration in a field, like psychology, and then you take a whole bunch of other classes like history, sociology, anthropology, and geography, and then you're qualified to teach in all of those subjects. I've been looking into it and I've already taken a lot of those classes, so it wouldn't be too many more credits. And it'd make me a lot more marketable when applying for a job. I'm going to sit down and plot out my schedule for the next 3 years, and it if looks like I could get it done without having to stay any longer than necessary, I'm going to do it. At least then I will make the most of the extra time I'll have to spend here. I'm just worried that when I try to find a job, I'll get hired as like a history teacher and then get comfortable and never pursue teaching English. And that would really disappoint me.
I talked to Brad tonight, but not for very long. I called him to see if he wanted to go to the concert, but then Mary called and I went with her and I didn't have long to talk to him before the show so it was only like 10 minutes. I told him I needed to drop his cookies off and he asked if I wanted to hang out sometime this week. I'm not going to look forward to it though because I've got exams next week and I've got to get the apartment clean before we go home for Christmas. It just seems like everything we plan falls through lately and we've drifted apart a lot. When we first started hanging out, we were going out to lunch a couple times a week and playing cards and going to the casino and the movies. And now. . . I don't know. I know he's been going through a hard time at work, but I think there's more to it then that. I think Kay said something to him because of how he's been acting, but it frustrates me. I understand if she did because I'm a jealous person and I can see how she must feel, but Brad is the only really good friend I've made since we've moved here and he's been really good for me and I hate to lose him. He doesn't let me feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I hate him for it, but other times it's just what I need. He puts things in perspective for me and when I say or do something stupid, he says "You're so fucking stupid." I know that sounds mean, but damn it, it works. So many people coddle me all the time, it's nice to have something honest like that.
Josh called tonight too. Twice today, actually. I don't know what I did to deserve the honor. I haven't talked to him much these last couple days, and whenever that happens it always scares me. I told him when we started talking that the past was history, and I was over it, but the more we talk and the closer we get, the more I realize it's not over. We don't talk for two days, and it's because he's working or tired or sick, but right away I assume it's because he hates me. I hate that I feel that way because in my head, I know there's a logical reason, but I just can't convince my heart that. Then I end up flipping out on him, which probably just pushes him away or scares him, and that's exactly what I don't want to do. I worry that I'm too serious too soon or that I expect too much of him. At the end of the day, I just don't want to lose his friendship. In a weird way, we're going through a lot of the same things, and I know it sounds stupid, but I think we're good for each other right now.
Believe it or not, I think I'm finally done writing. Either way, I should stop before I think of something else to talk about because this is more than long enough for one night.