(no subject)
A fresh start.
I have been using livejournal for 5 years now. It's helped me through a lot of rough times, but occasionally it's time to wipe the slate clean and start anew. And it's about that time again. It seems stupid to spend so much time chronicling my life to erase it, so new user names are always good. It gives me the new beginning with a way to go back and learn from my past. Or try to learn from the past--sometimes it's hard.
I haven't written in here for a long time. I think a lot of times I don't use this journal the way it's supposed to be used. But I'm going to start. I guess the real mystery is why now. Why all of a sudden is it time for a fresh start? That's a good question. I go back and read my old journal, and it doesn't feel like who I am anymore. I've changed. I'm getting older, and I can't help it. But the girl in that journal was a different person. Just like in 5 years the girl in this journal will be a different person. Either way, it's time for this new girl to leave her mark on the world. Or at least on livejournal!
Tonight I had a revelation. I came online to do the usual--check the emails, check facebook, nothing out of the ordinary. But my friend Nicole had made a new photo album in her account of her trip to Alaska. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal. Lots of people make photo albums of their trips. Lots of people go to Alaska. According to Ali G, lots of people make photo albums of their trips to Alaska. And she had a lot of cool pictures. She had gone with her dad as a celebration of his retirement, and they went on sightseeing tours on a jet boat and a little Cessna plane. They went hiking and camping and paragliding. They saw mountains and forests and glaciers. But there was one picture that really stood out to me. She's standing on a mountain. A stream is rushing by her. Snow capped ridges behind her. Deep blue sky all around. And she's standing there with her hand on her hip and her sunglasses on like she belongs there. It's not like it's the best photograph anyone's ever taken, but it seriously looks like something off the Discovery channel. Like something you would see in the National Geographic or a travel magazine. And it got me to thinking. I don't have any photos like that. Then I started to think about her life, and she's been other places too. I remember looking at photos from her family's trip to Italy and seeing the pictures of the Vatican and the canals of Venice. She's the same age as me, and look what she's accomplished. Look where she's been.
I have this feeling like my life is passing me by. I don't know how I feel about this, because it makes me feel like up until now I've been doing everything wrong. It's not that I haven't accomplished anything. I've had some cool jobs, and I'm past the halfway point in my college career. But there is so much out there that I've missed. I look at my friends that used to drink in high school. I used to think it was such a stupid thing to do, and that they were wasting their life. But I read this quote that one of them had posted and it said "I live for the nights I won't remember with the friends I'll never forget." And I thought it was beautiful. I'm not saying that I'm going to run out and turn into an alcoholic, but I've been so uptight my whole life. I've been so picky and choosy about who I will hang out with, and I never do anything. I just think I'm starting to regret it now. I don't have many friends. The ones I do have are great, and I wouldn't change anything about them, but as I'm getting older and my life is changing, I'm even starting to drift away from them. But I'm not replacing them with anyone and I can feel my life closing in on me. Everyone says in college you meet the friends you'll have your whole life. I know that's not true for everybody, but I'm not meeting anybody. And it's because I'm not trying. That's not even what gets me, it's the fact that I don't care. I should care. I should want to meet new people. I should want to experience new things. I should want to stand on majestic mountaintops embracing life, daring the world to try and stop me. I just think that it's time I look at my life, and what I've let it become--who I've let myself become. I'm not the same person I was in my old journal, but that doesn't mean I like whom I've turned into.
The important thing is none of that matters anymore, because I can change. My life can change. Isn't that the beautiful thing about life? The fluid consistency of it? That nothing's static, and everything is constantly revolving all around you.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and buy a plane ticket for Alaska, or attend every social event on campus. I would be lying if I said I would. And I don't think that my outlook is going to change overnight either. It took me a long time to become this introverted and secluded, and it's going to take me a long time to change. But something's different. Even already I can feel a change. It's like a fire has been lit inside of me and I'm not content anymore to just be satisfied. I want to see more. I want to do more. I want to be more. Inside of me, I am more.
I have been using livejournal for 5 years now. It's helped me through a lot of rough times, but occasionally it's time to wipe the slate clean and start anew. And it's about that time again. It seems stupid to spend so much time chronicling my life to erase it, so new user names are always good. It gives me the new beginning with a way to go back and learn from my past. Or try to learn from the past--sometimes it's hard.
I haven't written in here for a long time. I think a lot of times I don't use this journal the way it's supposed to be used. But I'm going to start. I guess the real mystery is why now. Why all of a sudden is it time for a fresh start? That's a good question. I go back and read my old journal, and it doesn't feel like who I am anymore. I've changed. I'm getting older, and I can't help it. But the girl in that journal was a different person. Just like in 5 years the girl in this journal will be a different person. Either way, it's time for this new girl to leave her mark on the world. Or at least on livejournal!
Tonight I had a revelation. I came online to do the usual--check the emails, check facebook, nothing out of the ordinary. But my friend Nicole had made a new photo album in her account of her trip to Alaska. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal. Lots of people make photo albums of their trips. Lots of people go to Alaska. According to Ali G, lots of people make photo albums of their trips to Alaska. And she had a lot of cool pictures. She had gone with her dad as a celebration of his retirement, and they went on sightseeing tours on a jet boat and a little Cessna plane. They went hiking and camping and paragliding. They saw mountains and forests and glaciers. But there was one picture that really stood out to me. She's standing on a mountain. A stream is rushing by her. Snow capped ridges behind her. Deep blue sky all around. And she's standing there with her hand on her hip and her sunglasses on like she belongs there. It's not like it's the best photograph anyone's ever taken, but it seriously looks like something off the Discovery channel. Like something you would see in the National Geographic or a travel magazine. And it got me to thinking. I don't have any photos like that. Then I started to think about her life, and she's been other places too. I remember looking at photos from her family's trip to Italy and seeing the pictures of the Vatican and the canals of Venice. She's the same age as me, and look what she's accomplished. Look where she's been.
I have this feeling like my life is passing me by. I don't know how I feel about this, because it makes me feel like up until now I've been doing everything wrong. It's not that I haven't accomplished anything. I've had some cool jobs, and I'm past the halfway point in my college career. But there is so much out there that I've missed. I look at my friends that used to drink in high school. I used to think it was such a stupid thing to do, and that they were wasting their life. But I read this quote that one of them had posted and it said "I live for the nights I won't remember with the friends I'll never forget." And I thought it was beautiful. I'm not saying that I'm going to run out and turn into an alcoholic, but I've been so uptight my whole life. I've been so picky and choosy about who I will hang out with, and I never do anything. I just think I'm starting to regret it now. I don't have many friends. The ones I do have are great, and I wouldn't change anything about them, but as I'm getting older and my life is changing, I'm even starting to drift away from them. But I'm not replacing them with anyone and I can feel my life closing in on me. Everyone says in college you meet the friends you'll have your whole life. I know that's not true for everybody, but I'm not meeting anybody. And it's because I'm not trying. That's not even what gets me, it's the fact that I don't care. I should care. I should want to meet new people. I should want to experience new things. I should want to stand on majestic mountaintops embracing life, daring the world to try and stop me. I just think that it's time I look at my life, and what I've let it become--who I've let myself become. I'm not the same person I was in my old journal, but that doesn't mean I like whom I've turned into.
The important thing is none of that matters anymore, because I can change. My life can change. Isn't that the beautiful thing about life? The fluid consistency of it? That nothing's static, and everything is constantly revolving all around you.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and buy a plane ticket for Alaska, or attend every social event on campus. I would be lying if I said I would. And I don't think that my outlook is going to change overnight either. It took me a long time to become this introverted and secluded, and it's going to take me a long time to change. But something's different. Even already I can feel a change. It's like a fire has been lit inside of me and I'm not content anymore to just be satisfied. I want to see more. I want to do more. I want to be more. Inside of me, I am more.