(no subject)
The past few days have been very nearly surreal. I still feel a little like I'm floating around and not quite touching ground, I can't focus for very long and there were so many moments today when I felt like I couldn't breathe or just wanted to burst into tears or both.
My aunt passed away last Friday morning. My mom called me to tell me that night, I was at my friends' house at the time watching Sweeney Todd. It's wierd how it hit me as such a shock. I've known for months that she was really sick, that the cancer had come back, and last week my tactless grandmother (mom's mother, it was Dad's sister who died) mentioned, in front of my father mind you, that she didn't have much time left. Anyway, I was really upset when I hung up the phone, and even though at first I thought it would just be awkward, I ended up being so glad I was with my friends right then. They let me cry, they made me a stiff drink and they let me stay the night. Hell, they even offered to help me move out, which I still had to do on Sunday on top of everything. I can't believe how lucky I am in my friends sometimes.
After I got home on Saturday I tried packing and doing homework, but my mind just wouldn't focus. I ended up watching Dark Angel epidsodes online for hours instead, it was good to be distracted. I didn't want to think about it, so I didn't.
Sunday was more productive, I still wasn't dealing, wasn't ready to deal. My family came up and helped me move out and all was normal on the surface. That night most of them went to the wake and I stayed home with my little brother. Avoidance, pretending, it's what I'm good at.
Yesterday I had to face up. I felt myself tear up on and off as the funeral got closer, but I refused to let anything out before the service. I had to read the eulogy that my uncle, her husband, wrote, because he, her sons and her brothers all felt they couldn't do it. I was scared that I, too, would break down, but I wanted so much to do that for them.
When I finally got up to read, I could feel the lump in my throat and it scared me so much, but I started reading and it was suddenly as though someone lifted the grief off my shoulders for a moment so that I could do this. My mind was clear, the words came of evenly and effortlessly, I gave every sentence the right inflections, even smiled once or twice as I read the memories of her life that those closest to her wanted to share. I could hear people chuckling as they heard the familier stories, and I knew I'd done well.
The service as a whole was beautiful but sad, once I sat down and I no longer had to be strong I let myself cry again, and I'm glad I did. I needed to.
The reception was overly crowded, but it was nice to see that so many people cared. There was a moment at the beginning when her family needed to release emotion, but afterward the tone shifted and people chatted and ate. I appointed myself caretaker to my dad, bringing him coffee and sandwiches. He was so drained, and he hadn't been eating properly since the news came, it was good to see him feeling better. We left with promises to get the family together more often. I hope we keep them.
I only ever saw my aunt a few times a year, but I loved her because she was my aunt. She was tall, at least six feet, I always wanted to be as tall as her. She always had cats and a beautiful yard. She always made the same chocolate cake with whip cream icing for birthday parties, and I always got an extra piece for helping pass it out. I'll miss her.
My aunt passed away last Friday morning. My mom called me to tell me that night, I was at my friends' house at the time watching Sweeney Todd. It's wierd how it hit me as such a shock. I've known for months that she was really sick, that the cancer had come back, and last week my tactless grandmother (mom's mother, it was Dad's sister who died) mentioned, in front of my father mind you, that she didn't have much time left. Anyway, I was really upset when I hung up the phone, and even though at first I thought it would just be awkward, I ended up being so glad I was with my friends right then. They let me cry, they made me a stiff drink and they let me stay the night. Hell, they even offered to help me move out, which I still had to do on Sunday on top of everything. I can't believe how lucky I am in my friends sometimes.
After I got home on Saturday I tried packing and doing homework, but my mind just wouldn't focus. I ended up watching Dark Angel epidsodes online for hours instead, it was good to be distracted. I didn't want to think about it, so I didn't.
Sunday was more productive, I still wasn't dealing, wasn't ready to deal. My family came up and helped me move out and all was normal on the surface. That night most of them went to the wake and I stayed home with my little brother. Avoidance, pretending, it's what I'm good at.
Yesterday I had to face up. I felt myself tear up on and off as the funeral got closer, but I refused to let anything out before the service. I had to read the eulogy that my uncle, her husband, wrote, because he, her sons and her brothers all felt they couldn't do it. I was scared that I, too, would break down, but I wanted so much to do that for them.
When I finally got up to read, I could feel the lump in my throat and it scared me so much, but I started reading and it was suddenly as though someone lifted the grief off my shoulders for a moment so that I could do this. My mind was clear, the words came of evenly and effortlessly, I gave every sentence the right inflections, even smiled once or twice as I read the memories of her life that those closest to her wanted to share. I could hear people chuckling as they heard the familier stories, and I knew I'd done well.
The service as a whole was beautiful but sad, once I sat down and I no longer had to be strong I let myself cry again, and I'm glad I did. I needed to.
The reception was overly crowded, but it was nice to see that so many people cared. There was a moment at the beginning when her family needed to release emotion, but afterward the tone shifted and people chatted and ate. I appointed myself caretaker to my dad, bringing him coffee and sandwiches. He was so drained, and he hadn't been eating properly since the news came, it was good to see him feeling better. We left with promises to get the family together more often. I hope we keep them.
I only ever saw my aunt a few times a year, but I loved her because she was my aunt. She was tall, at least six feet, I always wanted to be as tall as her. She always had cats and a beautiful yard. She always made the same chocolate cake with whip cream icing for birthday parties, and I always got an extra piece for helping pass it out. I'll miss her.