Feeling Strange
Well, as we can see, i have been procrastinating for a week now, vaccilating between *unhappy* and 'sorta good'. i am not sure why, but i have been talking to my self about it (in a good way.... all of us are fine and planning a girls basketball team).
i hate bills- i don't have the money and they are depressive. For 2 days now i have ACTIVELY worked on avoiding them. The front walk from the porch to the sidewalk is now painted, my desktop and the 300+ files in various stages just got organized, my kitchen is as spotless as it's gonna get without a remodel, the laundry was caught up twice, i spent almost 10 hours on the phone with folks yesterday in various states of helpful. Short of volunteering for immediate deployment to Iraq, i think i have run out of things to do other than that pile.
So of course, here i am!
i think some of the depression was money, some was just pressure of the upcoming event (i always hyper fixate on them-- i want EVERYONE to have a good time, no glitches, no cost over runs, no last moment shifts fucked up). The first Folsom Fringe i ever worked on (or attended.. LOL!) i was appointed Transportation lead, and that included bussing 300+ up and back from SF. It was great... woulda been perfect... but the clean up team at Folsom Street corroded and at 5PM they realized they had tents and chairs and tables and water and boxes and more than half the 10 people were just *gone.
We had a bus load of people led by B.H. (who was still at that time acting human) volunteer to get off the last bus and handle it. So the last bus had to stay behind.. and we had some illegal double seating to get them all home. It wasn't my fault, but remembering that kept me very focused on both what i have to do to make sure that my shit is OK, and knowing that i also have to have back up plans so that when OTHER people's stuff falls apart it doesn't impact me negatively.
So i obsess.
It's also the truncated time thing right now... i have always been spoilt and needy and so right now i am fighting that in my head a lot.... safe, loved, beaten, but never enough ya know... old issues that affect new relationships are always tough. i think sometimes that more than half the Dominants i know are attracted to and handling the fucked up women who showed up with issues of abandonment and loss from previous places in their lives. These lovely men WANT to make it better... i think it is part of what attracts them to Dominance and ownership--- they like knowing that they can do that.
Got lots of vanilla stuff going too-- i'm in charge of setting up a tour for 28 people- many of whom are coming in from out of state- at the end of May, taking money and such, plus i am running the Parents Support Group still- started to get some solidarity for parents against SJUSD, leaning toward Special Ed, and it just grows and grows.
I still have some christmas to handle-- folks that we couldn't see then and who have moved on (but their wrapped gifts haven't!). My son's weekend plans and hanging with his friends.... organizing a Lego team thing with the county services folks who *swear* they will handle it and who have no CLUE what they are doing so once again i either step up and straighten them out or it flounders and dies due to lack of attention.
i have tons of reading i need to do-- Aspbergers syndrome stuff, general parenting stuff, borrowed books, letters (Christmas cards still unopened)... emails to be handled.
i have 2 storage sheds to clear up, clean out, and decide what to get rid of.
i have EBAY stuff to pay for, and a new account to be a seller there i have to get to-- can't get rid of the storage stuff if i can't sell it out there.
i have money to figure out... have decided that we are probably gettting a 30K second or personal loan to pay off 2 other cards, the taxes, the rest of the foundation work, add a front fence and get yard space, and maybe have enough left over for a Disneyland trip this year.
Working on refocus on the diet eating habits.. not losing any more weight and i WANT to get another 15 lbs off soon. Takes time.
Got 2 new kink programs i am opening this spring- and doing classes in between.
Got to get the 3 dead computers fixed.. they all have info on them i NEED.
That's the easily remembered stuff... there is a whole lot more... but i would have to find the "To Do" lists to add it all in.
