Healthy For All The Wrong Reasons
Days Without
Overeating: 1 (so far today!)
Caffeine: 3
Alcohol: 73
Marijuana: 4
My intestines are quivering because of the laxatives I took last night. I've lost most of my appetite. I'm not undereating. I just don't have the desire to overeat now. I hope the tea helps. This is my second cup today. I believe three cups a day is good for antioxidant benefits. If I crave sugar, I'll drink a cup of tea instead. If I do that, I'll probably drink ten cups a day. Or I'll eat an apple, banana, grapes, etc., if I haven't had enough fruit for the day.
I still feel the urge to lose weight. I have 70 pounds to lose if I want to be at the ideal weight for my height. At the Thansgiving gathering, my cousin showed off all of the weight she lost doing Weight Watchers. She's at 155 now. Bah. I couldn't help but feel envious. She didn't seem too enthusiastic about it, though. She was modest when family members pointed out that she lost weight. It's amazing what we must do for our family to notice us. It makes me angry that my family is so image-centered. Humility just isn't enough.
The doctor at the hospital put me on Lamictal. I'm currently taking 100 mg, and I'm going to increase to 150 mg tonight. I take Ativan once in awhile for anxiety. I'm scared of Ativan, though, for it is a benzodiazepine, and those are highly addictive. I'm afraid of abusing it, so I've taken only four 1 mg doses in the past month. I also have Ambien for insomnia, and I've taken thirteen 10 mg doses in the past month. I'm scared of that one, too.
At least the Lamictal is working. I just need to increase the dosage every two weeks. I wonder what the maximum recommended dosage is. I may have to go that high.
I think I have borderline personality disorder, and so does my therapist. She said she would talk to my psychatrist (with my signed consent, of course) about it. So far, I'm diagnosed with major depression and panic disorder. The doctor at the hospital diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder, and while that's closer to what I have, it doesn't quite hit the nail on the head so much as borderline personality disorder. I think bipolar disorder is overdiagnosed, and borderline is underdiagnosed.
Well, at least Lamictal is good for borderline, even if it does cause a bit of weight gain. But I'm saying no more weight gain. I need to make the choice not to put the Pop Tarts in my mouth more often.
I think I want to lose weight for the wrong reasons, though. I do want to do it to be healthy and not die of obesity before age 50, but that's not the big reason. I want to lose weight to help me feel better about my self-image. My boy tells me I'm beautiful no matter what, though. But I don't think I'm beautiful. I thought I was beautiful during the summer. I loved myself during the summer. What the fuck changed? The seasons? That can't be all.
I live in a society that tells me I'm not beautiful. I'm ostracized for being fat. It was more overt in high school, but it's very subtle now. I may be rejected employment because I'm overweight. Employers are just that bigoted.
I don't want to deprive myself of the foods I enjoy. I simply want to moderate my intake. Instead of desserts every day, I'll eat them every 2-3 days. And instead of engorging myself with 3-4 servings, I'll try to reduce it to 1-2 servings. I overate dessert yesterday. I had a Jamba Juice today, although I count that more as fruit than as dessert, although there was orange sherbet in it. No more dessert until tomorrow or Thursday. Tea will be my not-so-guilty pleasure.
My intestines are still torturing me because I tortured them with Pop Tarts and laxatives. Urrrrrrgh.
Overeating: 1 (so far today!)
Caffeine: 3
Alcohol: 73
Marijuana: 4
My intestines are quivering because of the laxatives I took last night. I've lost most of my appetite. I'm not undereating. I just don't have the desire to overeat now. I hope the tea helps. This is my second cup today. I believe three cups a day is good for antioxidant benefits. If I crave sugar, I'll drink a cup of tea instead. If I do that, I'll probably drink ten cups a day. Or I'll eat an apple, banana, grapes, etc., if I haven't had enough fruit for the day.
I still feel the urge to lose weight. I have 70 pounds to lose if I want to be at the ideal weight for my height. At the Thansgiving gathering, my cousin showed off all of the weight she lost doing Weight Watchers. She's at 155 now. Bah. I couldn't help but feel envious. She didn't seem too enthusiastic about it, though. She was modest when family members pointed out that she lost weight. It's amazing what we must do for our family to notice us. It makes me angry that my family is so image-centered. Humility just isn't enough.
The doctor at the hospital put me on Lamictal. I'm currently taking 100 mg, and I'm going to increase to 150 mg tonight. I take Ativan once in awhile for anxiety. I'm scared of Ativan, though, for it is a benzodiazepine, and those are highly addictive. I'm afraid of abusing it, so I've taken only four 1 mg doses in the past month. I also have Ambien for insomnia, and I've taken thirteen 10 mg doses in the past month. I'm scared of that one, too.
At least the Lamictal is working. I just need to increase the dosage every two weeks. I wonder what the maximum recommended dosage is. I may have to go that high.
I think I have borderline personality disorder, and so does my therapist. She said she would talk to my psychatrist (with my signed consent, of course) about it. So far, I'm diagnosed with major depression and panic disorder. The doctor at the hospital diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder, and while that's closer to what I have, it doesn't quite hit the nail on the head so much as borderline personality disorder. I think bipolar disorder is overdiagnosed, and borderline is underdiagnosed.
Well, at least Lamictal is good for borderline, even if it does cause a bit of weight gain. But I'm saying no more weight gain. I need to make the choice not to put the Pop Tarts in my mouth more often.
I think I want to lose weight for the wrong reasons, though. I do want to do it to be healthy and not die of obesity before age 50, but that's not the big reason. I want to lose weight to help me feel better about my self-image. My boy tells me I'm beautiful no matter what, though. But I don't think I'm beautiful. I thought I was beautiful during the summer. I loved myself during the summer. What the fuck changed? The seasons? That can't be all.
I live in a society that tells me I'm not beautiful. I'm ostracized for being fat. It was more overt in high school, but it's very subtle now. I may be rejected employment because I'm overweight. Employers are just that bigoted.
I don't want to deprive myself of the foods I enjoy. I simply want to moderate my intake. Instead of desserts every day, I'll eat them every 2-3 days. And instead of engorging myself with 3-4 servings, I'll try to reduce it to 1-2 servings. I overate dessert yesterday. I had a Jamba Juice today, although I count that more as fruit than as dessert, although there was orange sherbet in it. No more dessert until tomorrow or Thursday. Tea will be my not-so-guilty pleasure.
My intestines are still torturing me because I tortured them with Pop Tarts and laxatives. Urrrrrrgh.