The Ebb and the Flow
Days Without
Overeating: 0
Caffeine: 0
Alcohol: 22
Marijuana: 10
I just binged and purged. I'm shaking. I'm developing bulimia. I feel so helpless. I ate two s'mores Pop Tarts and an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's. My head is spinning. I'm out of control. I keep sleeping for 12 hours a day. I'm sick and tired of being constantly sick and tired. When will this stop? What do I have to realize? I'm already tapering off my medications. I'm racking my brain with things to do.
I need to clear the clutter from the floor and countertops of my bedroom. But I'm shaking as if I just smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and the nicotine high is wearing off. Don't ask me about that simile. I've never smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting. At my peak, I smoked 13 cigarettes in a day. Nicotine is a yucky habit. Just thinking about it makes me want to purge. I could never go back to tobacco again. Last cigarette was sometime in November 2004.
I feel as if my world is spinning out of control. As if the moon were obliterated and now the earth is spinning ever-faster toward the sun. Like that. Damn, I retain so much knowledge from my Astronomy class. I'm a fucking mess, though. And the programs I'm enlisting in are only making me feel more guilty.
I tried reading the foreward to the first edition of Overeaters Anonymous and I felt as if it were a cult calling to me. No fucking way. I only went to that one OA meeting awhile ago, and I felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I hadn't felt that claustrophobic in almost a year. My therapist also is breaking down my reserves, rather than helping me build them up.
It seems like you're slowly chipping away at your education.
Oh, fuck you, D. Sure, you may have your Masters degree hanging on your wall, and all those fancypants books on your shelf, but you have no idea what it's like to live with bipolar disorder. You've never had it! You can only learn so much from books, my dear therapist. And you know what? You've been seeing me for the past 16 visits, and you really think I should be focusing on school right now? When everything else around me is falling apart? No thank you!
I shall call her and leave her a message, saying that there's a big clash in our therapy sessions, and that I no longer wish to see her. I need a therapist to help empower me, not make me feel even more like shit. I was empowering myself before medication and therapy. I learn a lot more from my own life and self-help books than from these fucking quacks.
2 1/2 hours later...
Wow, I actually got some initiative and cleaned my room for about an hour. Go me! Sure goes to show that I do way too much thinking and not enough doing...
Overeating: 0
Caffeine: 0
Alcohol: 22
Marijuana: 10
I just binged and purged. I'm shaking. I'm developing bulimia. I feel so helpless. I ate two s'mores Pop Tarts and an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's. My head is spinning. I'm out of control. I keep sleeping for 12 hours a day. I'm sick and tired of being constantly sick and tired. When will this stop? What do I have to realize? I'm already tapering off my medications. I'm racking my brain with things to do.
I need to clear the clutter from the floor and countertops of my bedroom. But I'm shaking as if I just smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and the nicotine high is wearing off. Don't ask me about that simile. I've never smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting. At my peak, I smoked 13 cigarettes in a day. Nicotine is a yucky habit. Just thinking about it makes me want to purge. I could never go back to tobacco again. Last cigarette was sometime in November 2004.
I feel as if my world is spinning out of control. As if the moon were obliterated and now the earth is spinning ever-faster toward the sun. Like that. Damn, I retain so much knowledge from my Astronomy class. I'm a fucking mess, though. And the programs I'm enlisting in are only making me feel more guilty.
I tried reading the foreward to the first edition of Overeaters Anonymous and I felt as if it were a cult calling to me. No fucking way. I only went to that one OA meeting awhile ago, and I felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I hadn't felt that claustrophobic in almost a year. My therapist also is breaking down my reserves, rather than helping me build them up.
It seems like you're slowly chipping away at your education.
Oh, fuck you, D. Sure, you may have your Masters degree hanging on your wall, and all those fancypants books on your shelf, but you have no idea what it's like to live with bipolar disorder. You've never had it! You can only learn so much from books, my dear therapist. And you know what? You've been seeing me for the past 16 visits, and you really think I should be focusing on school right now? When everything else around me is falling apart? No thank you!
I shall call her and leave her a message, saying that there's a big clash in our therapy sessions, and that I no longer wish to see her. I need a therapist to help empower me, not make me feel even more like shit. I was empowering myself before medication and therapy. I learn a lot more from my own life and self-help books than from these fucking quacks.
2 1/2 hours later...
Wow, I actually got some initiative and cleaned my room for about an hour. Go me! Sure goes to show that I do way too much thinking and not enough doing...