When You Try Your Best, But You Don't Succeed
Those that remember the last time I quoted this song, I was struggling emotionally with the break-up with Anthony. This time I'm reflecting on my recent break-up with James, but am far from struggling.
It was almost two weeks ago that I phoned James in the most difficult call of my life to say it was over. He had been lying to me on multiple occasions about small things, but most significantly about being with a guy while I was over in Bali (after he lied to my face, I found out when I met the guy and interrogated him, quickly eliminating James' version of events and leaving way too many questions unanswered). I don't particularly want to dwell on those details, suffice to say I kept my fury in check well enough (mostly I was laughing because I knew that James was in for a world of doom, I just hadn't processed or decided how to apply that, and the thought gave me amusement enough to distract me from the cold facts). My fault there was allowing myself to be distracted by the small matters and trying to fix those, when really there was no way I was getting over the cheating thing any time soon.
So with that out of the way, and being emotionally torn as I was, it took a question from Lauren to make me give proper consideration to how the relationship had panned out: had I learned anything from it? My instant response was no - I had done nothing wrong and was taken for granted... there's not much one can do to prevent that. After further thought, I realised that I had probably tried too hard to make it work. I had been attracted by his smile, his cheesy charm, and his youthful exuberance. I was so infatuated with him that I was stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the communication issues that were there from the start, and his seemingly pathological reliance on lying to diffuse any conflict was bound to cause trouble; just something I hadn't expected so quickly or spectacularly to apply to me.
It has made me wonder generally why lying is such a big issue with me. Even a small thing - like when he told me he'd called Rachel about him not coming to Bali because he didn't have a passport, when he hadn't - boils my blood. The catalyst for the break-up between Anthony and I was essentially down to him lying to me; it wasn't the topic, it was that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. I think I'm a control freak like that - I need to know everything about the situation so I can properly assess it and move forward, even if that means breaking up. I don't think it's acceptable to make "white lies"; if you're going to do something, take responsibility for the consequences that are coming your way. If that means a break-up, tough shit, you still need to be honest... and perhaps not be bad to begin with, eh?
Where I hope James learns in particular is that after he came clean about everything (which was good), he didn't make any change in his behaviour to make up for the things he'd done; in fact, no change at all. It was like just because we've had a serious discussion, he could go back to taking me for granted. As an example, after telling him he needed to retain some phone credit while he's in Bunbury so we can keep in touch and being assured, yes, plenty of credit available... he arrives in Bunbury and informs me that he's used it all up on the train trip down and won't have any for days. This was not the behaviour of an adult in a relationship. When I thought about exactly what he was using the credit on (given it wasn't me), well... enough was enough. Even after the break-up and his expressed desire to still be friends, I didn't hear from him at all except when I called him. So I'm pretty much done there, with the exception of an exchange of a few personal belongings yet to occur.
Now I'm feeling like myself again; I'm over the sadness and I'm releasing the frustration. I feel like I've picked myself up and am back to where I left off. Maybe James and I will be friends again when he sorts himself out, and if/when I forgive him... maybe not. Suffice to say I won't be making the same concessions - I won't discount myself again, for him or anyone. I'm worth more than that.
Until next time.
12:01am
It was almost two weeks ago that I phoned James in the most difficult call of my life to say it was over. He had been lying to me on multiple occasions about small things, but most significantly about being with a guy while I was over in Bali (after he lied to my face, I found out when I met the guy and interrogated him, quickly eliminating James' version of events and leaving way too many questions unanswered). I don't particularly want to dwell on those details, suffice to say I kept my fury in check well enough (mostly I was laughing because I knew that James was in for a world of doom, I just hadn't processed or decided how to apply that, and the thought gave me amusement enough to distract me from the cold facts). My fault there was allowing myself to be distracted by the small matters and trying to fix those, when really there was no way I was getting over the cheating thing any time soon.
So with that out of the way, and being emotionally torn as I was, it took a question from Lauren to make me give proper consideration to how the relationship had panned out: had I learned anything from it? My instant response was no - I had done nothing wrong and was taken for granted... there's not much one can do to prevent that. After further thought, I realised that I had probably tried too hard to make it work. I had been attracted by his smile, his cheesy charm, and his youthful exuberance. I was so infatuated with him that I was stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the communication issues that were there from the start, and his seemingly pathological reliance on lying to diffuse any conflict was bound to cause trouble; just something I hadn't expected so quickly or spectacularly to apply to me.
It has made me wonder generally why lying is such a big issue with me. Even a small thing - like when he told me he'd called Rachel about him not coming to Bali because he didn't have a passport, when he hadn't - boils my blood. The catalyst for the break-up between Anthony and I was essentially down to him lying to me; it wasn't the topic, it was that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. I think I'm a control freak like that - I need to know everything about the situation so I can properly assess it and move forward, even if that means breaking up. I don't think it's acceptable to make "white lies"; if you're going to do something, take responsibility for the consequences that are coming your way. If that means a break-up, tough shit, you still need to be honest... and perhaps not be bad to begin with, eh?
Where I hope James learns in particular is that after he came clean about everything (which was good), he didn't make any change in his behaviour to make up for the things he'd done; in fact, no change at all. It was like just because we've had a serious discussion, he could go back to taking me for granted. As an example, after telling him he needed to retain some phone credit while he's in Bunbury so we can keep in touch and being assured, yes, plenty of credit available... he arrives in Bunbury and informs me that he's used it all up on the train trip down and won't have any for days. This was not the behaviour of an adult in a relationship. When I thought about exactly what he was using the credit on (given it wasn't me), well... enough was enough. Even after the break-up and his expressed desire to still be friends, I didn't hear from him at all except when I called him. So I'm pretty much done there, with the exception of an exchange of a few personal belongings yet to occur.
Now I'm feeling like myself again; I'm over the sadness and I'm releasing the frustration. I feel like I've picked myself up and am back to where I left off. Maybe James and I will be friends again when he sorts himself out, and if/when I forgive him... maybe not. Suffice to say I won't be making the same concessions - I won't discount myself again, for him or anyone. I'm worth more than that.
Until next time.
12:01am