Happy Fucking New Years... Shit.
Well, lets start off by saying that I had a fucking horrible horrible new years. Me and April had planned on seeing each other, I was going to drive up there and bring her back down here with me and we would just stay here for awhile until she had to go back. Needless to say that didn't happen. I went up there early, because I was dying to see her, and she was dying to see me, so I went up there new years eve eve, and they were having a party at her house, and she was sooo sooo happy to see me and immediately gave me kisses and hugs, then everyone left, and everything was ok, we hung out with each other and then she told me something that I will not share on here, but I wish I could change it, not that it would do anything. But we talked about it, and everything was ok... New years Eve nite, we went to this party at her friend's house, most the nite I played PS2 by myself because the plan was that we were going to drive back to April's, so I had to stay sober, and as you all know (or should at least) I'm not a very sociable person when I don't know the people. April hung out with her friend's most the nite, which was ok, sort of, I wanted to be close to her, every time I came close to her she would just kinda sit/stand there, wouldn't reach for my hand or anything... I thought we would leave shortly after the ball dropped, so I wasn't really too bothered until 2am rolled around, and she still hadn't come and sat and my lap or just walked up and hugged me or anything. She sat and talked with me for awhile and confessed that she had a problem showing affection when she was around people, especially elders, because of her parents are so straight-laced. Anyhow, we left around 4am... when we got to her house... well, I could tell something was wrong, so I asked, she said she couldn't say for awhile, I dragged it out of her, and she just said... "I can't do this, I can't do us... I just can't, I'm sorry, I have to much stuff in my life that I have to do, and if I'm with you, I won't do it, because all I want is to be with you and you're all I think about, I just can't... can't do it" We fought for an hour or so, then I cried for 2 hours, 2 straight hours, I hypervenelated and passed out for a few seconds... I don't understand... cus she held me all nite, held me throughout the entire nite while we slept. I read some notes she had written me but never given to me when I woke up... They were so loving, and caring, and said everything that I had pretty much said in my defense the nite before, and so basically, backed up everything, but did no good... she isn't going to change her mind. She still said she loves me... she wouldn't let me leave, she still kissed me... but... she doesn't, she can't be with me... I've started of my year horribly, I get dumped the first day... cry all nite, lose my voice for awhile, and... I feel like shit... I want to be with her, and thats all I want, I would have done anthing for her, I would have just moved there, been with her, its all I wanted and asked for. On the way home today I couldn't pay attention, I wanted to die, I didn't care, I wasn't paying attention to speed, cars, the road... but then I saw a hitchiker, so I picked him up... and gave him a ride as far as kennesaw. Pretty much the only reason I drove without killing myself was because I picked him up. Though, honestly, I picked him up in hopes that he was crazy. I feel like shit, I just want to be with her, I just want to be happy, but no one will even stay with me... I can't stay with anyone because they leave me... whats wrong with me, why am I so fucked up, all I hear from them is that I'm sweet and perfect, and yet, I'm never good enough to stay, never good enough for the relationship to keep going. I'm sorry this is dragging on, and I'm sorry April that I've aired this on here, but I haven't really anything else... I love you. I hope you change your mind... I miss you. Goodbye for now.