I finally finished the thing I was working on:
An Ikea hack Instructable, which is a detailed how-to showing the desk I just cobbled together out of chewing gum, unmatched socks, and McGyver's femurs. Even if you account for the fact that I had to buy drill bits to do this, the total expenditure was less than €100.
It's a little half-assed, but I'm proud of it none the less.
Many, many thanks to those who helped, offered to help, or will refrain from ridiculing me. ;)