let's see...wut 2 write...

[hvn_snt_she_dvl]

well, i'm a year older, which means i'm a year closer to getting the hell out of florida and in with my wonderful boyfriend. el problemo es, i don't know if he's ready for that. he always says things that kind of deter me when i bring up the move, like, "it's going to be hard", or, "babe, i know you wanna come up here, but..." and then i get something along the lines of money or work or school. i just want commitment right now. he always says i'm young and bla bla bla...but it's like, i don't feel 19, i feel like i'm in my mid/late 20's. i should have been born 6 years before. i want marriage and kids and all that good stuff. but i want it soon, and he doesn't obviously. shit, he doesn't even want kids, he tells me everytime i bring it up that he NEVER wants kids. I can't marry someone like that. I need someone that wants the same things that i do. No guy remotely close to my age wants marriage and kids. in fact, usually they want just the opposite...freedom from commitment, no ties, date around. thank god that's not the case, i think. but he always says that there's a possibility that things could change. while yes it's true, god knows i hate to hear it. if he left me i don't know what i'd do. i'm pretty sure that would be the end of my dating life. like i said i'm tired of bullshit relationships. and i don't want this one to go there. it seems okay, but i'm still unsure of what he wabts, and when i bring any important topic up, he makes light of it, and changes the subject very subtly (in his eyes, to me it's blatently obvious...). why are guys so fickle? all i want to do in my life, is go to school, get married, have kids and make my man happy. yeah, i doodle his last name on my first name at the corners of scrap paper. i'm a girl. that's what i want. i would wait for him forever...but something tells me i won't have to. we'll see if the move changes anything. i want to start my life! i'm done living in my parents house. i'm done with dead end jobs, i'm done with florida. i want to start a new life for myself. away from bullshit and drama. with a husband, and kids and school and work...if on ly god could be so generous....only in dreams, i suppose.

Speaking of dreams, i had a really bad one last night. didn't sleep for shit last night. woke up at 12, woke up at 2:30, woke up at 4:45, and then woke up right before my alarm clock went off...i need him to sleep well. it's for the benefit of my health, don't you see???

i attempted to call alexis merit. i really need to talk to her b/c i may need some motherly advice...no further details.

i hope my birthday is good today, although i doubt it.