Why I think I failed in The Professionals fandom
And by failed I mean "couldn't enjoy it properly or write for it anymore."
I do have a cold at present, so this might not be the clearest explanation ever. But I believe these are some of the main reasons, after I've given it thought and tried to look at things rationally.
Gen v. slash stuff By some fandom standards, the gen v. slash clash isn't bad in Pros fandom. For me, it is. Whether they 'should' or not, these things strike me hard and personally. Because I often end up feeling like I'm in the middle. I like what I like, but I don't want to tell other people what they have to like, and I get really uncomfortable and upset when people can't let others have their own definitions.
Cultural Differences Let's face it, I'm not British. That means certain things aren't going to completely make sense to me. British reserve is a big part of that, I suppose. For me fandom is a place to fling yourself and squee and have a great deal of fun. When that really doesn't feel... welcome... or whatever, I don't quite know how to take it, and sort of end up taking it personally, instead of culturally. Naturally I don't think anyone should have to read or like stories by Americans in a British fandom if they don't. I don't always enjoy ESL stories in my American fandoms. But... I still don't like feeling like I'm not "one of our sort." It feels pervasive to me, but I don't know how much is just me. It seems there are plenty of Americans who enjoy it here and feel welcome. Perhaps it's a longevity thing, or something I don't quite understand.
Different definitions of what fandom is For me, it's never a place for critiques and criticism, unless kept private between two or three people, and clearly stated as personal opinion. I.e., never telling people what is good to like or critiquing stories publicly. I just don't... roll that way for fandom. I know that won't be the same for everyone, but I really can't abandon these strongly held feelings just because I'm in a fandom where it's accepted. It gets to me. (And yes, there *are* -- believe me -- stories and tropes I simply don't like!)
Personal stuff Let's face, it. I get my feelings hurt sometimes. And it's not always easy to get over; I wish it was. I haven't felt really accepted many places in my life, and when I get the feeling that I'm just "not our sort" over a long time in a certain place, it makes me want to leave. And it makes me angry: because for me, fandom should never be like that.
Too damned hard It's probably twice as much work to write for The Pros as any other of my fandoms. I've had to learn a lot about Britain and UK English (which is often quite fun and makes British TV easier to understand, too) and I almost always had to get a beta, even for short things, then fix whatever I got wrong again, and usually ended up putting twice as much work into it as any other type of stories I wrote. It got quite hard, and a bit discouraging when my stories still weren't considered up to snuff by many fans. I would always be the second-class citizen in this fandom because of the things I didn't know. Even when I taught myself British spelling well enough (generally, though not in every instance) that I sometimes had trouble remembering the American way for my real life correspondences.
Feedback issues I've worked hard to give feedback in this fandom. Okay, sometimes I fail, and I know that giving feedback doesn't entitle you to it, and I did appreciate all the feedback I received, honestly, I did! But after a while, it became hard. When I noticed that stories of similar length always got lots more feedback than mine, it became hard to take. Well, there's the British thing... and then not everyone liking my sort of story, or not liking gen, or me being a newer writer, or whatever. I tried to be sensible about it. But then after a while I noticed that on my AO3 posted stories, I seemed to always get as many or more hits as the slash stories posted, or British stories posted, or whatever: but I *always* got fewer comments and kudos. Always. So, more hits, less people liking it. What the hell does that mean?
To me that means one of three things:
1) people clicking just to check the story out, and then clicking away (though, you know, you can read what the story is about without clicking on it)
2) people who tune in just to laugh at some silly bugger's writing attempt
3) people who do enjoy gen stories, or my type of stories, or American author stories, but can't be bothered to say so because it's not really the done thing, or for whatever reason.
Maybe I'm wrong totally here, but it just became too difficult for me to keep throwing my heart out there. Maybe I'd rather keep it to myself for now.
Anyway, at present, I'm not really writing the Pros. If I do in the future, it may just be for myself. Or maybe I'll try drabbles like I did recently. Or, perhaps I'll get over all of this. But somehow I don't think so.