[if you only knew....]

[hurtme]

there's so many things that i could never speak of again. not to you. not to her. or to any of them. i'm left here alone listening to your voice on winamp. remembering seeing you on that stage and how it turned me on so much to see you up there. i want to watch the sun rise in bed. and cook breakfast in the afternoon. i want the cold nights...curled up with you. under the stars, above the blankets of snow. i want to feel your breath on my neck once more. your teeth on my skin. i want you...like we were that first night. i could never explain how much i adore you. my life isn't what it could be and i feel you're the missing peice. there isn't anyone i have or ever will meet that has charisma and passion the way you do. you made me feel wanted without giving me clausterphobia. you made me feel sexy without ever speaking a word. you made my life perfect...if it ever could be. i almost succeeded in getting over you...until you contacted me. and i've been miserable ever since. i lost the one person that could make me smile without even trying. you were my best friend. my savior at my hard times. and my stability when i fell down. because of jealousy and ignorance i threw it all away. and it is the only regret in life that i have. i don't think you'll ever understand what i'm going through. because your life is complete. as far as i can see. and it tears me in two to see that your happiness is my turmoil. and you talk of our "good times", which i can't think of without wanting to cry. everyday i spent with you, i remember, like it was today. every night, i can dream of, like a fantasy. because when i wake up you're not here. and i'm so overwhelmed with my own life...trying...attempting to push away anything emotional that it's ripping me to shreds. i'm just wondering how long it will be before i break. i thought that this was done. that i was through my healing process and ready to move on. i thought this 6 months ago. i didn't realize that i loved you so much. that it could be possible for you to consume all my emotions. but you have. once more. and i know...that "life goes on". i'm a big girl with alot of past. i've been the length of the country and back. through the best and worst of alot of situations. but to realize that you lost something so serene and honest is unbearable. so now i watch from afar. 300 or so miles...in my enclosed box that looks over 2 highways and a bay. wishing more than anything that i could turn back time. erase the madness, infidelity, and heartache. that would be it. i'd sign my soul on the dotted line to have you in my arms again.

i wish you were here.

i need to be helped up from this fall i'm starting to take.