[lost...within myself...my world...]
someone, anyone, explain when it actually gets better. they keep saying it will. after 21 years i'm a little fucking pessimistic. the lonliness. never being understood. the unhappiness. uneasiness. do you know what it's like to wake up and realize that nothing is what it seemed? that you're friends are all fake. your life is a lie. all drawn up to be everything that it isn't. that now it can't live up to it's expectations. being stuck...what a concept. i was never really stuck like i am now. fuck the rock and a hard place. think of two contrete slabs...encased in bricks. molded with the insecuries....and distrust. there's no one to comfort...no one to hold me. they're all so far away. there's the loneliness. emptiness. in depth. no one understands anyone. we're all just wandering aimlessly through life...thinking we know all this shit. believing that people really care. that maybe we can make a difference. ah pessimism. sweet sweet arrogance. please help me see that there's someone out there. someone that can make me smile...for more than a few minutes. instead of making me cry for a lifetime. i pray for amnesia. solomnly. the conformity of this hell hole that i inhabit kills me. the pain in my hand is so aggrevating...i could fucking scream. but instead. i type. aggrevating it more. and more. waiting to talk to someone. anyone that could just simply comfort me. although i turned my ims off. because honesly i really am sick of talking to everyone. sick of realizing that it's me. it's me that caused all this. it's me that has to lie in this bed. and i do thank those who have lended their kind words. thank you thank you. kudos. but i guess sometimes nothing fully helps the sadness. sometimes sleep. but not always. not tonight. not for the last week...since the haunting dreams. oh wait...they've been happening for about...2-3 weeks now. every night. entrapping me...losing me...gripping me. making sure i remember all the vivid images. and my sub concious knows that...it's because of outside situations...that don't have much to do with me. but they do. because i know how fucked up people can be. that no one is ever what they seem. no one. it's all a fucking facade...that everyone tries to deny. i wish...that i didn't believe that they did wrong. i wish i didn't see it in their eyes. the deceit. the guilt. but i do. and i live with it. knowing how wrong they are. and because of our system will probably get off...free to walk the streets. maybe to fuck with someone like me next. god i'm going out of my mind. and i'm weak. so unhappy...but one thing makes me smile...and well...it's non existant right now. so i think i'm damned. ha. nah...just sad. confused. angry. bitter. resentful. and so completely fucking lost...