What Happens To Us (Part XI)
Jared could hear the thumping of music through the walls and he smiled at the idea of what the other guys were getting into. Jensen had a right to celebrate tonight and Jared had called Sandy to tell her that he was ready to celebrate also. She’d come straight over from work and they’d been having their own celebration of ice cream and junk food ever since. He heard a knock on the kitchen door and shook his head.
“If Mike doesn’t stop trying to convert me to Mormonism I’m going to throw him out the front door this time.”
Sandy laughed. “I thought he was catholic.”
“He’s a pain in the ass.” Jared said as he opened up. “Chris! Hey man.”
“So, you’re not joining the party?” Chris asked as he walked in. “Hey Sandy.”
“Hey Chris. Sounds like you have a hell of a bash going on over there.”
“Yeah. Just wondered why you two weren’t in there.”
“Are we invited?” Sandy asked.
Chris looked at Jared who shrugged before looking over at Sandy. “Um yeah we were. I just… its Jensen’s celebration.”
Chris snorted. “Bull fucking shit.” He said as he came over and wrapped an arm around Sandy’s shoulders. “Jensen can’t stop talking about you man. Keeps talking about how you walked him through it all and how when the evil OT from hell tried to talk about Alec you stepped in and saved the day.” He winked at Sandy. “I swear words like gallant and chivalry were being bandied around.”
Sandy laughed. “Really? I think this is something we should go see Jared.”
Jared shook his head. “You go on Sandy. I’m going to finish my ice cream in peace.”
“Jared-”
“Seriously, I want you to go have fun. You can tell me what an ass everyone made of each other when you come back.”
Chris whispered something in her ear and she looked at him for a second and then back at Jared. “Alright, but I’ll be back. Don’t you lock me out!”
“Jensen has a key if I do, remember?”
She blushed seven shades of embarrassed and he winked at Chris as he led her through the door. Alone with himself though, he wished Sandy hadn’t deserted him. He’d asked her over because he knew the temptation to be with Jensen and his friends would be pretty strong. Chris wasn’t the first to come over to try to get him to join in. It wasn’t even Chris’s first trip. So far he’d had 3 candygrams, a singing telegram, 4 jehovah witness visits, a teen trying to sell shots to raise money for college, and a drug addict offering to sell himself if Jared would just give him some drugs. All in the form of either Chris, Mike, or Tom. They were getting more and more ridiculous and harder and harder to resist.
When he heard the door this time he shook his head. “I don’t want a candygram, no this is not a bachelor party and I don’t need a stripper, yes I am a mormon so please don’t convert me and I swear I will give you whatever money you want if you stop asking me to drink shots out of your belly button.”
“My what?”
Jared turned around and was shocked to see Jensen standing there, a slightly amused look on his face. “I um… I thought you were… someone else?” He asked with a dazed smile.
“Which one?”
“All of them.”
Jensen smiled as he ran his hand down the back of his neck. “Yeah, they kind of got attached. They’re all clamoring about you not being over there.”
“So they sent you to ask me?”
“Um.. no actually. Chris and Sandy shoved me in here and said we had to work it out before they’d let me back in my own house.”
“I think Chris might cave, but if Sandy is helping him, you’re doomed.”
He could see the second it hit Jensen and he wished he’d said something else. He hadn’t meant it like that.
“So I really screwed it all up didn’t I?” Jensen asked. “I kind of knew you were just pulling me together for the IEP, but I sort of hoped that… there might be some friendship left to salvage afterwards.”
“Is that what you want Jensen? Friendship?”
Jensen took a deep breath and walked into the living room, staring up at the artwork he’d hung for Jared on the day he’d moved in. Jared followed him in, but didn’t say anything, afraid to disturb whatever it was that had Jensen looking so open tonight.
“The thing is Jared, once upon I time… I had happily ever after. I had a beautiful home and a loving partner and a beautiful boy. I used to work in corporate America and I saved enough money so that we bought Crosswired and Michael made it what it was to become. I quit my job and worked there all the time, making ends meet, publicizing it and making deals and whatever I had to. When Alec was diagnosed with autism, Michael devoted his life to our son. I devoted my life to making sure Michael could. When he died…” He took a deep breath and Jared moved forward. He didn’t say anything but he put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, comforting him with his presence.
“Car accident.” Jensen said, his voice strung tight with emotion and regret. “We were all in the car. Alec wasn’t hurt at all except for nightmares about it later. I had some bruising and all that, but nothing serious. Michael… he was dead on impact. I learned to deal with Michael’s death, but I’ve never been able to be the father that he was. He was Alec’s world and…” he took a deep breath. “I hated him for that. Part of me hated that Alec turned to him when he was hurt. I wanted to know how to handle my son but I had to support them and I didn’t have the time and Michael was so good at it. He’d just… do it and laugh at me when I said I was trying, laugh and tell me not to quit my day job. Only Michael died and I didn’t have the slightest idea how to deal with him. When I was far enough out of my grief I started looking for someone to take care of Alec, but it took me a year to find you.”
Jensen turned to look at him then and Jared could see the trail of tears that had fallen as he spoke of Michael, of the family he’d lost. He wanted to hate Michael a little bit too, for hurting Jensen like that, for not realizing how hard that must have been for him.
“I wanted you from the second I saw you. I told you, that first night you came over, that Chris didn’t trust me with you, was afraid I’d become involved with you. You were here for Alec though and you said you weren’t dating anyway so I ignored it.”
“It never went away though. The thing is, I went out that night because I thought I needed to get free of Michael, that I needed to move on with my life. Only when I was with him…” He took another deep breath like he was steeling himself to say it. “I felt so damn guilty. Then I was angry because I felt guilty in the first place.”
“Jensen you don’t have to explain that. You mourned for Michael. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty for what you did.”
“I felt guilty because it wasn’t him I felt I’d betrayed.” Jensen said, looking him straight in the eye. “I was lying in some stranger’s bed and realized that it wasn’t Michael I was trying to drown out, it was you. And then I was angry at you for it and you went out the next week and…”
“Jesus.” Jared said heavily. He took a seat on the couch, trying to think of something to say. He knew what had happened to Jensen finally, knew where the anger had come from. He wasn’t a shrink but he was smart enough to know how much Jensen must have been hurting when he realized he’d moved on from Michael so completely without noticing it.
“Yeah.” He heard Jensen moving but he didn’t stop him. A second later though a beer bottle was thrust into his hand and he took it. He took a long pull off it and saw Jensen do the same thing.
He pulled at the label of his bottle and took a deep breath. He didn’t know how to respond to it all so he decided it was time for his own confession. “His name was David. Met him at a club and we hit it off. Dated a few months and we were in love and hey, let’s move in!” Jared said with a small smile. “We were both young and stupid. Everyone told me it was insane, too soon and all that, but I was crazy about him and he was so good to me. We both worked but he was a musician so it was come and go, you know? But he cooked and cleaned and did everything around the house, like this perfect 50s housewife. Minus the heels. He started complaining about my friends though. Didn’t like the way they smoked in the house and he didn’t think they liked him, which was true enough. They thought he was using me for the free rent since I had the steady job. It wasn’t true, but they believed it. So we compromised. I’d hang out with my friends away from the house. Only after a few months every time I wanted to go hang out there was some reason not to, you know? David was really good at making me change my mind and well…”
“You were crazy about him.” Jensen said.
“Yeah. So most of my friends stopped calling because they knew I wouldn’t go out anyway. My Mom started talking about David too, about how it wasn’t healthy for me not to be with my friends and what sort of person was David to ask me to? I explained that he hadn’t asked me to do anything, but she was better at seeing what was happening than I was. Pretty soon, my Mama was calling less and I wasn’t picking up when she did because it was always about David. She wouldn’t let up on him and I wasn’t giving up on him so we were at an impasse. Then, I don’t know when it started really.”
He took another drink from his beer, trying to figure out what to say. In the end though Jensen had been honest and he wanted to be also. “I think at first it was just stupid things, like if I’d try to get him to come back to bed or something, he’d call me a whore.”
He saw Jensen flinch and he gave a sad little snort. “Yeah. It was just teasing but it didn’t stay that way. Took me a long time to realize he was beating me down because he was so damn good at hiding it. In the end though it wasn’t enough. He got physical and… I’ve never been in a fight in my life. I mean, I know I’ve got the size, but I’d never hurt anyone, you know that. So did David. When it got bad enough I walked away. I showed up at Sandy’s door, bled all over her furniture until she convinced me to go to the hospital. It was pretty nasty and the doctors could still see some of my older bruises so they called the cops and I pressed charges.”
He couldn’t look up for fear of what he’d see in Jensen’s eyes. He knew he shouldn’t have let it happen, but he had and his size hadn’t meant a damn thing in it all. People never understood that though. They always thought because he was big meant he could handle physical violence. And while he would die to protect the people he loved, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to hurt someone else just to protect himself.
“So I got free, and on my own two feet, but I was sort of out of control and I crashed with Sandy. About nine months later she got your call and told me she had the perfect job for me.” He swung his arms wide, looking up at Jensen then. “Here I am.”
Jensen looked as broken as Jared felt and he shook his head. “The night I went out was really simple. I was trying to work you out of my system. Found this guy that looked enough like you to pretend in the dark and I let him pound me into the mattress. I spent the whole damn time wondering what it would have been like if it were you. I got home and you were in the window and all I could think was that I’d just managed to make it worse. I wanted the real thing but I knew you’d never want me so there wasn’t much point in trying.”
They sat there for a few minutes, both trying to find the words to fill in the gaps. Jensen finally managed it. “I don’t know what to say right now Jared. What I want to do?” He shook his head. “We do need to figure this out, but slowly. I… can we just try to relax around each other for a while? Try to get back to what we had and go from there?”
Jared looked up, surprised to be offered that much. “You serious?”
Jensen nodded. “I… hell… I still want you, but we’ve had so much happen and so much bad blood that neither of us understood. I think maybe, if we can get back to before, maybe we have a shot at something.”
“You want that?”
Jensen nodded slightly. “Yeah Jared. I really want that.”
Jared looked down. “I need to think about all of this.”
“Yeah.” Jensen said though his voice was rougher than normal. “And I need to get back before Mike catches something else on fire. I’ve got food coming in...” he looked at his watch, “about 30 minutes. I’d like it if you came over, even for a few minutes. Danny took Alec for me in case I was a wreck tonight so the guys are being obnoxious but Chris said he’d talk ‘em all into playing tonight.”
Jensen knew he enjoyed watching the others play their music and it was tempting. “I’ll think about it.”
“Alright.” Jensen knew him well enough not to push it so he got up and walked to the kitchen archway. “Jared… I know what I said hurt you and now that I know why, I know you can’t ever forget that, but I promise to try to be better. I can’t take it back and I can’t make it go away. That bastard that made you feel all those things though, he was so wrong about you. He was dead wrong and I’m sorry that, for even a minute, I was him.”
He heard Jensen’s steps and the door close behind him and he was left alone in the living room. He looked around at the place he lived, the home he had created here. He looked at the photo Jensen had taken of Jared and Alec playing at the zoo. There was a painting taped up on the wall that Alec had made on Jared’s first day there. On the mantle of his fireplace was a photo of the three of them on some random night. Jensen had Alec in his arms and Jared had wrapped an arm around Jensen’s shoulder as Chris had taken the shot. He stroked a finger over the edges of it. There was one word that always came to mind when he looked at that picture. Fun. Tonight, he thought something else. Family.
Jensen could feel Sandy’s eyes on him when he came out. She flicked her eyes back towards Jared’s but he motioned her to stay where she was. He didn’t think Jared wanted any company just then. He hoped he’d come out later, when he was ready. He hoped because more than anything else he wanted Jared back in his life. Not the moody sullen Jared he’d been, but the man he knew. The man that had managed to steal into his life without stopping to tell Jensen he was doing it.
He went to the kitchen and found a beer, taking a long drink before letting himself acknowledge the other set of eyes he felt on him. “He’s fine Chris.”
“Do I need to go check on him?”
“Only if he doesn’t come out when the food gets here.” He was trying to play it down, make light of it all but he was worried about what Jared would do next. He didn’t know if he’d come out tonight at all. With everything they’d thrown at each other it was amazing they were both still standing. It just made him want to pull Jared even closer though, made him want to protect him the same way he protected his son.
“You okay?” Chris asked as he set a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen bit the inside of his lip to stop the tears because he was damned if he was going to start crying on the night they were celebrating Alec’s IEP going well. “Ask me after Jared shows up.”
Chris just nodded, then tipped the bottle of his beer to Jensen’s in a silent ‘wish you well’ and finished his bottle. Jensen did the same and let Chris drag him back into their circle of friends.
Dinner came and there were pizza boxes everywhere. It wasn’t just the usual crowd and Jensen was happy that his whole circle had made it out tonight along with a fair number of their friends as well. The TV was set on a sports channel but was muted as Steve pulled out his guitar. Jensen was ready to settle in for the music when Steve looked behind them and smiled. “So our shining knight made it!”
He didn’t need to look back to know it was Jared. “Hey Steve.” Jared said, his smile in place and Sandy already draped around his torso. He really did need to ask Jared about that morning, about what he’d seen, but he couldn’t seem to make himself care at the moment because Jared was there and he was smiling. “Am I too late?” He asked, looking at Jensen.
Jensen shook his head. “Just in time.” Chris got up from beside Jensen and gave Jared a tight hug before holding his beer up. “To Jared and his amazing OT skills that put the evil bitch to shame!”
Jensen blushed a little because yeah, he had been a little excited when he started telling Chris earlier and things were a little out of proportion. Jared seemed to relax a little and then Chris was steering him down onto the couch between him and Jensen. Jensen reached into the cooler he had in the rec room and handed a beer to Jared. Jared smiled as he did so and took a deep breath, like he was relaxing into the night. When Steve started playing Jensen continued to watch from the corner of his eye. When Chris decided to join him, he saw Sandy sneak over to Jared’s other side. Jared brought his hands up to the back of the couch, one arm sneaking over Sandy’s shoulder to hold her a little tighter. The other settled on the back of the couch behind Jensen. He wasn’t touching him, just letting his arm rest there, but it felt like a start anyway.
On to Part XII