Struggling to Reconnect

[hunter_returns]

“You should take her out Sammy. It’s gonna take time.”

The drive had helped relax Sam like nothing else had since he’d come home. Just the Impala, the familiar rumble of the engine and his brother’s advice. Take it slow. Don’t try and forget it, because that only makes it worse. Remember to breathe. You can do this Sammy.Absently Sam rubbed at his

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[loistheintrepid]

"No - Smallville, I don't care what run around they're giving you, go back there, tell them we're not taking no for an answer. If they won't let us in, it's only a matter of time until the MPD will come around asking the same questions."

Her fingers were flying over her keyboard as she spoke, entirely oblivious to Sam's entrance until she heard his greeting. Head snapping up, her attention immediately dropped from her screen.

"Yeah, call me when it's done," she muttered into her phone, cutting the call and dropping the phone onto the counter. "Hey, you," she greeted, offering him a smile and pushing a loose strand of hair out of her eyes. "Doin' okay?"

[hunter_returns]

"Still giving Clark hell," his voice is quietly fond, and he takes a deep breath to ratchet the tension out of his shoulders. Remembering Dean's advice. Breathe. Find a quiet place inside and use it to quiet the blood and fire that always seems to dog his memory.

"Yeah. 'm okay. Day by day, you know?" Sam still has good and bad days. Days when he needed to pull away, to withdraw when he knew he was becoming irrationally angry, days when the horror he experienced overwhelmed him. He had better days too, quiet, calmer days that were slowly starting to outnumber the bad.

"I.. I thought tonight, maybe we might.. go out?" He's probably more nervous now than he was the first time he'd asked Lois out on a proper, non-hunt related sort of date.

[loistheintrepid]

"Mm," she smiled, shutting her laptop to silence the constant ping of emails reaching her inbox. "He sends his best, by the way. So do Chloe and Ollie. They're glad you're back." She watched him, still unsure of how she was supposed to help him. She hated seeing him like this, flinchy and broken and somehow worse than when she'd found him in the mental hospital all that time ago.

There was a flicker of surprise in her eyes when he mentioned going out, the memory of how overwhelmed he was at the park still fresh in her mind.

"I... I mean, if you're ready for that. But we don't have to rush it, Sam, we could just... have a night in? Just you and me, rent a movie, order dinner or something?"

[hunter_returns]

He nods at the regards from her friends. They were a good bunch and Ollie had been a surprisingly good ally in the middle of the barfight that feels like it was a hundred years ago. At least they'd been there for Lois, to help when he couldn't. When he'd been lost.

A night in. God that sounds so much better. Easier. Dean had taken him to the grocery store earlier that week and he'd been forced to retreat to the car only a few minutes into the trip. He didn't want to hide, but bad things happened when he was pushed too far. Things he couldn't let loose again.

There's a DVD case on the counter half-hidden under the mail Dean had brought in and Sam shifts the envelopes over. Indiana Jones.The warm memories associated with the movie bring sudden tears to his eyes. His life Before. The one he wanted back. Lois curled up in his lap, his Halloween costume.. Sam manages a smile. "Yeah. I.. I'd like that. Staying home."

[loistheintrepid]

She could see the tension ease in him at the mention of staying in. Dean had told her about the grocery shopping incident when it happened and she may have chided him for pushing him too far too fast. Baby steps. The man had PTSD like she'd never seen before and if they didn't handle it properly, he'd never get better.

A genuine smile spread on her lips at the sight of the DVD. God, she missed that. When things were simple and happy and they had no idea what the hell they had. She circled around the counter towards him, resting a hand lightly on his. "Movie night, then. We can order Thai food."

[hunter_returns]

Staying in. Quiet and safe and no other eyes on him, no one watching the big man freak out about the slightest noise or sudden sound. There were other war veterans, it was easy for Dean and Lois to simply let concerned people know that he'd come back from combat. A sympathetic look, a nod, and people went along their way and it made Sam ache. It was more than war, it was Hell.

His hand twitches only a moment when she laid her hand on his. A faint flinch. With a deep breath, Sam turns his hand to slip it into hers. Contact made him jumpy, but he was getting better at it. A moment to settle his nerves, to remind himself that it was okay to be touched, it was okay for someone to reach out to him.

"I'd like that," he murmurs. Movie night and Thai. Dates they used to have when things were so much simpler. "Just ah, no monster movies?" And there's the faintest gleam of humor in his eyes. An attempt at a joke. Sure, it's a weak one, but another sign that he's trying.

[loistheintrepid]

It hurts every time he flinches at her. She knows it shouldn't. That he's just been through trauma that literally no one else on earth can relate to. But he always used to make her feel so safe and strong and now... Now even too much eye contact and he shies away.

He's getting better though. Really trying. And she has to keep reminding herself of what she tells Dean when he gets frustrated. They both want their old Sammy back, but they need to work what who they have now. At least he's here. He's alive.

"No monster movies," she insists, grazing her thumb lightly over the back of his hand. "I promise."

[hunter_returns]

It hurts Lois and it makes Sam hate himself a little every time he flinches away, every time he pulls back, overwhelmed by the simplest things. He should be stronger than this, more together. For God's sake, he's a hunter. He's been doing this since he was a kid. But now he's.. a wreck. A shell just trying to find his way back, sort out where he belongs in their lives.

This time he doesn't flinch as her thumb brushes over the back of his hand. A quietly soothing touch and Sam can relax a little into it.

"O-okay. I'd like that. Something easy."

[loistheintrepid]

~~

Lois had spent the rest of the afternoon playing catch up with some research and booking a few interviews, but by the time the sun set she had wrapped up any business and made her way downstairs.

She found Sam in the living room, making sure to make plenty of noise as she approached so as not to startle him suddenly.

"Hey, you. I placed an order for takeout online. You ready to get this party started?"

[hunter_returns]

They learned early on not to startle Sam, to always make noise when they approached. Dean had forgotten once and Sam had blackened his eye and scared Elle so badly Lois had to take her out for the better part of an afternoon.

Not exactly his finest hour.

But the noise helps and he doesn't startle at her approach. He's been sitting on the couch for the last hour, waiting for the sun to set and willing himself to calm.

I got out. I'm not there anymore. I got out. A quiet mantra to try and keep him sane and in the real world now. Sam offers a faint smile and shifts over on the couch to allow her to sit close. "Yeah." He can do this. He loves Lois, and despite her fear of the big strange man, he loves Elle. They're his family, everything that he battled to get back to.

[loistheintrepid]

It'd become a frequent occurrence now to find Sam somewhere just... sitting. Caught up in his own thoughts, sifting through everything he'd just been through, probably. Lois hated the weight he carried on his shoulders now, hated how there was nothing she could do about it. In the mental hospital there was at least something to be done - find a way to get Lucifer out of his head.

But Sam was safe now. He was out. He was just... broken. And the only way to fix him was piece by piece. A little bit every day. And God knew Lois was anything but a patient woman, but she'd try. For him.

Lois circled around the couch, taking a seat next to him and offering a small smile. Tentatively at first, she shifted close but not quite all the way, busying herself with the remote to pull up a list of movies on the screen. Something light. Something light...

"How about... Anchorman? Or Wedding Crasher, maybe? See anything you like?"

[hunter_returns]

It was the only way he kept going, really. Find a quiet place and just.. process the last year. A year of running, fighting, hiding with no time to think beyond the next fight, the next few minutes. The only way he was going to come out the other side was by taking the entire year apart, moment by moment.

Reminders of home kept him grounded. Catching the clean smell of her hair, his brother's voice, even the way Elle laughed delightedly at Dean while hanging onto his nose. Sam still didn't know where he fit in all of it, but he was going to try. He had to.

Slowly he slid his hand into hers, quietly relieved that they still fit so perfectly together. "Anchorman sounds good."

[loistheintrepid]

It was strange. He was back here, back in her life, back where she'd wished for so many months that he'd be. And yet, she missed him. He was so distant now, so caught up in his own head, and as much as Lois understood and pitied him for everything he'd been through, the selfish side of her wanted so badly for him to come back. All of him. Hell, they couldn't even sleep in the same bed anymore because of the nightmares.

But for now, she'd take what she could get. She smiled when he took her hand, threading her fingers through his and giving his palm a light squeeze.

"Anchorman it is," she decided, shifting a little closer and hitting the play button on the tv.

[hunter_returns]

Even before he'd been swallowed up, lost in Hell, Sam had to be mindful of a lot of things. Of his size, his strength, the way he could unintentionally intimidate people simply because he was a big guy. Years on the road had tempered his anger, helped him keep in control, but it was always in the back of his mind. Be careful. Sit down when talking to people, keep eye contact, things to make them feel more at ease.

All of that control had slipped in Hell, leaving Sam terrified of himself, terrified that in the middle of a nightmare he might hurt Lois, that she might decide the giant wreck in her life might be better off someplace else. Someplace away from his daughter.

The fear eases down every time she's close though, every time she reminds him that he's got something worth fighting for all over again. So despite the tightening anxiety in his chest, Sam moves closer, laying his cheek in her hair and.. it's wonderful.

He's barely aware of the movie, his attention focused more on the comfortable presence beside him and just how

[loistheintrepid]

She knows Sam well enough now to pick up on his emotions. No matter how quiet he gets, how much he clams up, she likes to think she can read him well enough. It's part of the reason she's had such a hard time getting used to him now. He used to be an open book with her. Things were easy and comfortable and no matter what shit was going on in their lives he never failed to show her how much he loved her. Now... Now it was a struggle just to be close to him again

[hunter_returns]

Getting close to anyone is a struggle, and it's one that Sam is trying desperately to overcome. The loneliness in Hell had been overwhelming, but getting used to other people again was taking time. As long as it was slow, as long as they took their time, Sam could adjust, could make himself remember that it hadn't always been this hard. That once it had been so effortless. Running into Lois on a hunt, scooping her up on his shoulder and getting punched in the kidney for his trouble. A Stormtrooper costume on Halloween, surprising her with flowers. Sam wants it so badly he'd give anything at all to have that comfort back.

He tenses fractionally as Lois wraps her arms around him before settling his arms around her, keeping her close. Warm and soft and so strong. Tears sting his eyes as he nuzzles into her hair, the movie completely forgotten.

"I love you. I'm.. I'm sorry." Sorry for leaving, sorry for being lost, sorry for still not being himself. Sorry for everything.