Struggling to Reconnect

[hunter_returns]

“You should take her out Sammy. It’s gonna take time.”

The drive had helped relax Sam like nothing else had since he’d come home. Just the Impala, the familiar rumble of the engine and his brother’s advice. Take it slow. Don’t try and forget it, because that only makes it worse. Remember to breathe. You can do this Sammy.Absently Sam rubbed at his

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[hunter_returns]

Even before he'd been swallowed up, lost in Hell, Sam had to be mindful of a lot of things. Of his size, his strength, the way he could unintentionally intimidate people simply because he was a big guy. Years on the road had tempered his anger, helped him keep in control, but it was always in the back of his mind. Be careful. Sit down when talking to people, keep eye contact, things to make them feel more at ease.

All of that control had slipped in Hell, leaving Sam terrified of himself, terrified that in the middle of a nightmare he might hurt Lois, that she might decide the giant wreck in her life might be better off someplace else. Someplace away from his daughter.

The fear eases down every time she's close though, every time she reminds him that he's got something worth fighting for all over again. So despite the tightening anxiety in his chest, Sam moves closer, laying his cheek in her hair and.. it's wonderful.

He's barely aware of the movie, his attention focused more on the comfortable presence beside him and just how much he's missed this.

[loistheintrepid]

She knows Sam well enough now to pick up on his emotions. No matter how quiet he gets, how much he clams up, she likes to think she can read him well enough. It's part of the reason she's had such a hard time getting used to him now. He used to be an open book with her. Things were easy and comfortable and no matter what shit was going on in their lives he never failed to show her how much he loved her. Now... Now it was a struggle just to be close to him again.

But she can feel his tension ease after a while. Feel him curl up closer to her, and God, she's missed it, too. For the past year all she's had is his well-meaning but obnoxious older brother who despite how close they'd gotten, she'd more likely punch than curl up next to. But here Sam is again, really trying now to find his way back to her, and Lois has to concentrate for a moment not to lose it right there in the middle of a frat pack comedy. She shifts into his chest, wrapping her arms around his torso and burying her face in his chest a moment. God, she's missed him. She's missed this. Quiet moments where, however fleetingly, she can pretend that everything is back to normal. That all this is normal.

[hunter_returns]

Getting close to anyone is a struggle, and it's one that Sam is trying desperately to overcome. The loneliness in Hell had been overwhelming, but getting used to other people again was taking time. As long as it was slow, as long as they took their time, Sam could adjust, could make himself remember that it hadn't always been this hard. That once it had been so effortless. Running into Lois on a hunt, scooping her up on his shoulder and getting punched in the kidney for his trouble. A Stormtrooper costume on Halloween, surprising her with flowers. Sam wants it so badly he'd give anything at all to have that comfort back.

He tenses fractionally as Lois wraps her arms around him before settling his arms around her, keeping her close. Warm and soft and so strong. Tears sting his eyes as he nuzzles into her hair, the movie completely forgotten.

"I love you. I'm.. I'm sorry." Sorry for leaving, sorry for being lost, sorry for still not being himself. Sorry for everything.

[loistheintrepid]

It's an old habit, curling up against him like this. Draping her arms around his torso and resting her ear to his heartbeat. But the moment she feels the muscles in his abdomen tense she's instantly reminded that this their old habits are far from them now. That as careful as she's being, she's still failing. And that walking on eggshells is exhausting as all hell.

But a moment later, just as she thinks she should pull away, his arms wrap around her and it's warm and wonderful and she shuts her eyes, burying her face into his chest again and swallowing the tightness in her throat. It shouldn't be this hard. But he's trying, damnit, and that's all that should matter.

And when she hears his words, she swears she can feel her heart tear right in two. She glances up at him, shaking her head and attempting a smile.

"Sammy, no," she insists, sitting up a bit to graze a hand slowly against his jaw. "Hey, I love you, too. There's nothing to be sorry about, okay? You're home. You're safe. That's all I need."

And maybe she's reminding herself of that, too.

[hunter_returns]

Sam tilts automatically into her touch, because as jumpy as he still is, he's also touch-starved, seeking out what little comforts he can while trying to stay grounded in the real world around him. Keeping Lois close like this is a reminder of everything he's struggling for, that he's got a warm and wonderful woman that he loves more than anything in the world. The mother of their baby.

"I know I'm a mess," because he's not stupid. He shouldn't be this jumpy. Shouldn't be this wrecked. "Probably not what you wanted coming back to you. But I.. I'm trying Lois I swear I am. I want to be better. To get better for both of you."

[loistheintrepid]

God, it's nice to feel him lean into her, to not have him flinch away. And if that doesn't already break her heart, his next words are sure to do the deed.

"Stop," she pleaded, taking his head in both her hands now. "Look at me. You're here. You're different, but you'll heal, okay? I'm just... You have no idea how happy I am that you're just... here." She's blinking back tears now, not that it does much to hide her emotions. "I love you. And I'll take you any way, shape, or form, you understand me?"

[hunter_returns]

They're both in tears now and Sam reaches out with a thumb to brush hers away. "You were the only thing that got me through, you know. Remembering what I had to come home to."

Sam leans very slowly to press his forehead to hers. No sudden movements, nothing jerky that might startle either one of them. Only the quiet closeness over the sound of the television. "I missed you Lois. So much. You and Elle."

[loistheintrepid]

She manages a smile at that, sucking in a shaky breath to check her emotions. No use dissolving into a mess of tears now. She was happy to have him back. It was that simple. All the complications, all the work was something she should be thankful for. Because against all odds, he was here.

She leaned into him, nudging her nose lightly against his. The first time since he'd come home that they'd really felt... close. Intimate. Almost... normal.

"I missed you, Sammy," she murmured quietly. "We all did." And slowly, hoping to God not to ruin the moment, she leans in to press her lips lightly to his.

[hunter_returns]

The intimacy was terrifying, but in a completely different way. Sam had been so afraid that Lois didn't want him, that she'd moved on. Relief surges through him and he makes a quiet sound into that gentle kiss, barely any pressure, but it sends his pulse skittering and his arms tightening around her as she curls close.

He wants this back, wants it so much that it hurts and Sam knows that he'd claw his way out of Hell again just for this moment. To have Lois in his arms, warm and soft and she still wants him. She still wants him even though he's a shattered wreck.

[loistheintrepid]

It'd been so hard these past few days to have him back in her life and yet be so unable to get close. To watch his every move from afar, to feel like they'd taken leaps and bounds backwards from each other but still want so badly to be right where they left off.

But now... now it felt right again. Now she knew how badly he was fighting to get back there, too. She leaned flush against him, brushing her lips against his, struggling to rein herself in. Slow. They needed to take this slow. No use taking a step forward only to have him wrench away again.

[hunter_returns]

It's been hard on both of them. Sam wanted nothing more than to sink into her arms, but sudden contact, sudden noise, it dumps adrenaline into his system, sends his pulse skittering out of control and he has to pull away to keep from lashing out. But this? He can do this. The quiet and familiar setting, the warm body of the woman he loves pressed in close.

Sam tries so hard for them both, willing himself to calm, trying so hard to find himself again. He wants his life back, the one that the trials had stolen away.

A shaking hand finds her hair and just rests in it. "I missed you so much."