And the wheel keeps turning.
On Sunday, I went to Burnaby lake to enter a psilocybin-induced altered state. Each time, I discover new things.
I realize:
1 - Where I am right now may not be perfect, but it is the product of a long series of sensible choices; good decisions under disorienting cirucmstances. I guess that's good.
2 - (Speaking of "sensible choice:") Gender identity still confirmed. I have noticed that when I strip away habitual anxiety, there's a charming , sometimes happy, and often bewildereed me underneath who is more or less who I thought I would be. She's 21 though. No really. (In last year's renaming trip, she was 14-16) My brain is fucking with me. It's common though. A rapidly altering identity and social role combined with a second run of puberty combined with syncing up with who you're supposed to be pulls this I-don't-know-when-I-am on a lot of trans people.
A chrysilis is like a coccoon, but it's a shell formed out of a pupa's own skin. Imagine shredding and wriggling your way out of that. Right. Anyway, there she is. Rapidly catching up; wriggling out; finding her feet. Wet behind the ears. Tagging onto this dead man's idenity, taking over.
3 - I feel sad and kinda distant. There has been a lot of loss and change recently. My Aunt died a month ago. There was no body to see, and I think I'm starting to feel it.Also:
When I was younger, a family friend named John used to take me to the hangar-sized (I do not exagerrate) Church reception hall on Saturday. We'd build airplanes out of balsa-wood and fly them. My grandfather was not physically able to do these things you see. John's funeral was a week ago. I'm annoyed that no one told me he was dead. I'm annoyed that I hadn't spoken to him.
There were/are three other people, each of whom had two particular properties. (1) They are awesome interesting people. (2) They are really interesting people to swap notes with on this I-chaged-my-sex-and-now-I'm-weirder-than-before-so-what-the-fuck-happened business. (3) As of Friday, they are all going to be in America. One, I will see a handful of times in the next few years. One, for I don't know how long. One... I don't know if he'll return. I get teh vibe that he'll be leaving the country.
This said, in the last few more-lucid days, I have found the following:
(4) It is really good to see some of my old friends. We will hang out more often.
(5) Going to BCIT from SFU is like going to the moon.07:30 is a normal start time. Some days will be earlier, and some of those will be in Richmond. You get waaaaay more instruction, both overall and for your dollar. Lots of hands-on. Roughly the same start and end time all week. Definitely practical. Campus social values are changing from "fucked" to "less-fucked." Feels like a very "Canadian" space: pre-fab structures; chilly rooms; green space; gravel lots. We get those big lockers that I've not seen since middle school.
I had mostly rolled my schedule around. My body protested for the first two days. Today was easier.
Oh yeah. Things feel like they've gone back to "normal." Don't know why. Like the world returns to balance.