Desolation
A/N: Hi!
Yeah, I’m still here, still writing. Not just taeny, but I think I was away long enough for me to feel a little off about my writing, so I kept hesitating, but yeah, here’s finally something- because if I keep it or continue to fiddle around with it any longer, I might dump it, & I don’t want to do that. 🙃
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No one ever said it would be easy, but Tiffany needed to make a decision that was tearing her apart, and it never occured to her just how difficult it was to choose. How could she possibly choose between two that meant everything to her? Either way, she would still lose something worth keeping. She didn’t bother wiping the tears that flowed endlessly down her cheeks, her chest shuddered with every breath she tried to take; her heart shattering in ways she never thought possible. She didn’t want to choose.
She tried- Try as she may, she couldn’t let go of the hands that stayed warm in her own, listening to the soft sobs that accompanied her own. She wasn’t ready to let go. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, look up again and see the damage she had inflicted to the one person she had promised not to hurt. She hadn’t meant to.
Life was unpredictable and neither of them could have seen this coming.
Falling in love?
Or ending it?
Neither was expected, but maybe, they should have known that their love wouldn’t be easy. They should have known, but their love felt effortless, it felt endless.
Maybe they should have expected an obstacle, a huge one, even, but this? They never would have expected this.
They were still young, they said. Too young to know what love meant, they claimed. This was a phase, they insisted.
What did they know? How were they so sure?
She never intended to fall in love with a girl, much less her housemate, Taeyeon, and she couldn’t have known that Taeyeon would feel the same. She didn’t expect to fall so fast, so deeply, even though she knew from the start that Taeyeon was so wonderful. She couldn’t have known how badly her family would react to her loving a ‘her’, and not once- never had she predicted they would make her choose.
“It’s either us, or her?”
‘Her’
It rang loud in her ears, resonated violently against the tender walls of her heart, because it was filled with such disgust, and so much contempt. It hurt her to hear that because Taeyeon deserved none of that. They didn’t even know her. It broke her heart, because Taeyeon was too beautiful to be thought of as anything less than amazing.
They insisted that she didn’t know better, but the truth was, she knew she hadn’t fallen in love blindly. Taeyeon was everything she never thought she could want. She was aware that they were considered young according to most, but how old did one have to be to know love?
Taeyeon taught her love. Taeyeon had loved her unconditionally. Through little bickerings, to occasional jealous streaks, they loved through all of it.
Tiffany might have been inexperienced with relationships prior to meeting Taeyeon, but she knew that Taeyeon’s capabilities to love went beyond and above anything she expected.
Family, or love?
How could they make her choose? They all knew the answer to that question. It was a decision they were all sure she would make. It was cruel, heartless, even. She hated that she had to choose. Why would they do that? She was so mad at them, they didn’t understand. They had refused to understand.
Why couldn’t they understand?
Taeyeon wasn’t hard to love. On the contrary, it was so easy to love her. If they had given Taeyeon a chance, they would have understood. If they had tried, they would see why she loved her.
Tiffany didn’t know what was worse; the fact that her family would do that to her, or the way that Taeyeon broke down before she could finish what she wanted, tried, to say, and still managed to completely understand.
“How could I make you choose?” Taeyeon had whispered shakily, trying to calm her tears.
That; she decided that was definitely worse, because Taeyeon would never make her choose. Taeyeon understood the consequences, the weight of the decision, and Tiffany wished, she wished with her whole being that she was brave enough, strong enough, and selfish enough, to have had chosen her instead.
Taeyeon tried to make it easier for her, saying that she would be the one to find a new place instead. Tiffany hadn’t even finished what she wanted to say before the girl had reached out and held her hand, stopping her.
Taeyeon tried to make it easier, but how could it ever be easy? How could Tiffany easily forget the comfort of being with her, how tender she could love her, and how much they felt for each other? How safe she was? How warm her heart was? How much she loved her?
Everything in Tiffany screamed and longed for Taeyeon, but she still chose her family, because she could never abandon family. It went against her morals, it went against her beliefs. It went against everything she knew growing up. Family should be her utmost priority. Through everything, they had raised her, with so much love and care that she couldn’t ever repay. She couldn’t leave them, not even when they were making her leave one of the few things she had never been surer of; the one person she was sure she could have loved for the rest of her life.
She was so, so sorry. She pulled Taeyeon in her arms for the last time, hearing the sobs quicken because they both knew this would be one of their biggest regret- to let each other go.
She guessed they were still young after all, because neither of them were fighting for this, for them. Were they not brave enough? Was there just too much to lose? It was terrifying. This was her family- that word alone carried so much meaning for her.
Maybe if they had met when they were already older, when Tiffany had full independance of her life, when Taeyeon could be willing to stand and fight with her, when they had nothing bigger to lose than each other, when nothing could stop them- would it make a difference?
Could it be different?
She wished, prayed, that Taeyeon would find someone worth her love; someone so great and loving that even Tiffany could let her go easier, that Taeyeon could let go of them. She prayed that Taeyeon had all the strength to let her go.
She wasn’t sure if her prayers would even be heard- much less granted at this point- but she prayed anyway; for mercy, for strength.
She would love her for a long time, she knew that, but she didn’t want Taeyeon to wait, not when she couldn’t promise anything. She wanted her to be happy, even if it meant she couldn’t be there anymore and even if it meant Taeyeon forgetting her.
“I’m so sorry,” Tiffany whispered, shakily. She kissed her temple lightly, feeling the latter nod against her shoulder.
There weren’t enough words to say. She was sorry. She was sorry it had to end like this. She was sorry her family never gave them a chance. She was sorry she didn’t choose her. She was sorry she hurt her.
She had to clench her jaw when a new wave of sobs ran rampage in her chest, because Taeyeon’s tears weren’t ceasing, and Tiffany had no way of taking her pain away.
She started to regret every little thing- the maybe’s and should have’s. Maybe she shouldn’t have told her family, maybe they should have kept it a secret, but she knew that would only prolong the inevitable. She should have loved her harder when she could, and she should have told her how much she had meant to her more. She should have made the best out of the time she had with her, but she was too naive. She had taken her for granted, she thought she would have all the time in the world, because that was how it felt like, their love felt endless.
She just knew that Taeyeon would always be her biggest loss- someone she should have chosen, someone she should have fought for.
She knew.
She wanted to choose her but when Taeyeon finally pulled away, giving Tiffany a soft kiss on her cheek as she did so, and got up to leave, Tiffany let her.
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a/n: Yeah.. sometimes, life. -wise words from yours truly.
( https://ask.fm/humyourheart )