Picking on Heartstrings, Always; Taeyeon's Story
SUUURRPRRRIISSSEEEE~ ^^ (knock, knock, anyone still here?)
A/N: I probably started writing this due to these Anon/non-anon requests,and it sure was a very slow and careful process, because I really didn't want to disappoint so I hope it went well. So, this is a little something I had been working on (but only recently reviewed/completed it) for everyone who loved Picking on Heartstrings. Thank you :)
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Disclaimer: Quite a long read.
For your reference: PoH 1 / PoHA 2
Picking on Heartstrings, Always; Taeyeon's Story
Taeyeon has never been good with words. She doesn't really know exactly how or when to say what. She has never really known what she should or shouldn't say, so she often chooses to say nothing at all.
“When there’s nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all.” All her life, she has lived by her mother’s advice and by doing that, she has somehow protected herself against misunderstandings but that’s long before she meets the girl who turned her life around.
With Tiffany, Taeyeon needs words to be on her side. Words are sometimes necessary because Tiffany thinks a lot - sometimes, too much - and Taeyeon never wants her to think or interpret anything wrongly. Their relationship itself has been a bit of a roller coaster ride but Tiffany has taken her to new heights, made her experience wonders in her heart, and Taeyeon doesn’t intend on letting go of the most giving girl she has ever met.
As they stand in a more private corner of the crowded mall, ice cold tension lingering between them, Taeyeon wishes she knew the right things to say. Tiffany's usually a verbal person but often, her eyes expresses much more. Right now, Taeyeon wishes she could take the amount of disappointment and hurt in her eyes away. Taeyeon has no idea how to make things right but she tries, anyway.
“I'm not- ,” she pauses, frowning deeply. “I'm not ashamed of you.” How can she be? She thought they've been through and over the idea of that. Why would Tiffany still think that? They've been together for more than a year after all.
Tiffany has turned her life around, and it has been a personal struggle for Taeyeon to come to terms with who she is and who she loves. She has kept that part of her to herself for so long that to have Tiffany in her life basically yanked it out before she could prepare herself.
For something she has kept at the back of her mind for that long to be brought into surface by someone as wonderful as Tiffany, it's been quite a ride; something she's sorry that Tiffany had to come along with. Taeyeon might still be reserved about herself and them, but she'd never be ashamed of the girl. It isn't at all about being ashamed of who she is or who she loves, it's much more of acceptance and the fear of the lack of that.
She's aware, though, that sometimes she can be impulsive and her actions seem to say otherwise even though it's never intentional. She just selfishly hopes that Tiffany would understand, each and every time.
“Really? You're not?” Tiffany challenges, her eyes hard and her stance distant. “I'm not so sure about that.”
Not this time, though. This time will be one of the few moments that Tiffany doesn't understand, and usually the other girl would let it go and take a little time to calm down. The time that Taeyeon takes to gather her thoughts and put them into words, as simply and as clearly as she could. This time, Tiffany isn't taking that route and it feels a lot like being cornered because Taeyeon realises she might've been constantly leaving Tiffany hanging at the edge of uncertainties for so long that there would come a day day when the girl wouldn't want to hold on anymore.
She clenches her jaw, the helplessness affecting her thoughts even more. She steps closer to Tiffany, searching her eyes. Once again, she selfishly needs her to understand.
Her heart breaks when her girlfriend shakes her head and takes a step back in response, maintaining the distance between them.
“I'm never ashamed of you,” she repeats, ignoring the tremble in her voice but Tiffany seems to notice. This isn't about you.
“Then what is it?” Tiffany probes, her eyes softening just sightly and Taeyeon feels her breath hitch at the weary sadness behind them. “What? I'm not even good enough to be a friend to you around your parents now?”
Granted, Taeyeon has had a brief lapse of judgment where she had pulled Tiffany into hiding when she spotted her parents in the mall they're in. She was caught off guard; her parents rarely go to that mall. Heck, they rarely even leave their home since it's about an hour's journey away from the main city. It was why Taeyeon had decided to live on her own, closer to her college and to the center of city. It isn't much about her parents seeing her with Tiffany that she tries to avoid, it's really more of the fact that she just doesn't want to be around them at the moment.
However, Tiffany has misinterpreted her actions of avoiding them and, once her parents were out of sight, questioned her.
Tiffany is upset, and Taeyeon sort of understands why but she has her reasons too, no matter how badly she's handling the situation. She doesn't want to tell Tiffany, because she isn't supposed to know. Not yet, at least.
Taeyeon tries to approach her, again, and when Tiffany avoids her touch once more, she feels something in her snap. It's infuriating because Tiffany should have known by now that she would never be ashamed of her, she should have known that she loves her just as much, if not more. The way that the girl is reacting to this proves for sure that it’s best for Taeyeon not to tell her real reasons for acting that way.
“You really think that?” she asks in disbelief, trying not to let her irritation get a hold of her. “You really think that I’d be ashamed of you because you’re not good enough?”
It’s not how she usually would have handled the situation. Usually, she would have just apologised when Tiffany relaxes her stance. Usually, she’d apologise because it always seems to be her fault. She’s always sorry and it’s making her feel so mad to know that after everything they’ve gone through, and after every fight she has apologised for - and tried to make up for - Tiffany still doubts her like that. Like there’s nothing she can do that’ll be enough. Nothing else she could do to prove how much she means to her.
Tiffany nods as her reply, almost tauntingly, as her eyes darkened again, and it adds even more fuel to her irritation.
“That's a load of bullshit, you know that right?” Taeyeon snarls before she could stop herself.
She has never felt so angry and disappointed with Tiffany before. She couldn't think straight at this point, barely noticing that the girl is totally frozen and completely surprised by her outburst.
Taeyeon raises her hand, flashing her stunned girlfriend the ring on her pinky.
“So tell me why, I wear this damn thing around if you're so embrassing to me? Tell me why I even bother with you at all, then?!” Her voice gradually rises as she drops her hand. “What- just exactly what do you want me to do for you to stop thinking you mean so little to me?”
She breathes deeply, trying to calm down. She feels the stress getting to her because she has her parents to deal with, which is already pushing her limits, and she really doesn't need an insecure, upset girlfriend on top of that. She needs her to understand; she just needs her there whenever things get too hard with her parents. She just wants it to be okay for her to be selfish, just this once.
When Tiffany doesn't reply, she asks again, her voice softer as she desperately searches her eyes. “What do you want me to do?”
She gets a small shake of a head as a response and doesn't know what to make of it, so she gets mad again because she wants an answer, she needs to know what she can do to make Tiffany stop doubting her like that. She needs Tiffany to feel like her heart is safe with her.
“Do you want me to wear a sign around my neck?” she continues to question her, raising her voice again. “Do you want me to shout it from the rooftop? God damn it, Tiffany, just tell me what you want me to do!"
Tiffany flinches at her tone but in an instant, Taeyeon feels herself wrapped in her arms.
“Okay, hey, calm down,” Tiffany mutters, rubbing her back.
She's suddenly aware of how badly she's shaking when she lifts her arms to rest it on Tiffany's hip, clutching her shirt like it's her lifeline. She needs her to understand.
They stay in each other's arms for a moment, each battling with their own insecurities. It's only when Taeyeon feels herself calm down, and the trembling ceasing, that Tiffany breaks the silence.
“Sorry,” she mutters, her hands still rubbing Taeyeon's back soothingly. "I'm sorry."
There she goes, giving in again.
Taeyeon sighs heavily. She feels horrible for raising her voice and talking to her like that so she pulls her closer, burying her face against Tiffany's neck. “I’m sorry, too. I just need you to trust me. Please? Just- just trust me.”
Tiffany doesn’t reply straight away, but she eventually nods against her shoulder, whispering a soft, “Okay.”
She lets Tiffany hold her like that, not minding if anyone sees them. They're not important to her right now. She hopes her outburst hasn’t scared her away, but she somehow knows that Tiffany understands - she always understands, in the end.
“Do you want to get some ice cream?” Taeyeon suggests, wanting to make up to her.
Tiffany chuckles lightly, making herself smile at the sound.
“Yeah, that'd be nice,” she replies, pulling away and smiling a little.
Taeyeon notices the gloominess that hasn't completely gone away and inwardly sighs as she brushes Tiffany's bangs away from her eyes. I'm sorry I keep hurting you but please, trust me.
Tiffany isn't at all that perfect, but Taeyeon thinks her biggest flaw will always be her selflessness and Taeyeon hopes she's worth all that she's making her go through. She'll make sure that she is.
She's already trying.
--
"You told them what?"
Chatters buzz across the busy cafe, accompanied by the occasional ring of the bell by the entrance door and the low indie songs playing in the background.
Taeyeon looks at her, meeting the eyes of one of the few people she trusts with her life; one of her bestfriends, who happens to be the very one she used to always wait for in the hallways, by the lockers. "I told them about me, and I told them about Tiffany," she repeats wearily.
“Your parents?” Her bestfriend looks beyond confused. "You told your parents?"
It does sound crazy. “Yes, Juhyun.”
To be honest, she doesn't blame her for not being able to understand straight away. After all, Taeyeon is the one who's supposedly hesitant in the relationship. Doing this, coming out to her parents and telling them she's already seeing someone, isn't just a huge step for her, it's taking a complete leap of faith.
“Oh, wow, okay, um,” Juhyun pauses briefly, furrowing her brows in concern, “so, how did they take it?"
She shrugs, diverting her gaze down again. “They need a little time and so do I, to be honest.”
She didn't want to talk about how they didn't take it lightly, as expected, and how she had unexpectedly been so disappointed by it.
“Did you.. tell Tiffany? Does she know?” Juhyun asks, hesitantly.
She shakes her head, keeping her eyes on her cup.
She hears her bestfriend sigh rather heavily. “Why not? This isn't just about you, you know? She should kno-”
She shakes her head, again, a little too vigorously at the thought. No way. “Not until my parents are okay with it.”
Another brief pause. “What are you afraid of?”
Taeyeon glances up at the blunt question, only to find the girl frowning. She weighs her options, unsure if she wants to talk about it but it's been bothering her for couple of weeks now and when she looks into her bestfriend's eyes, she knows the girl will have the right words for her.
“If- would she still stay if they-” She stops, not knowing how she could explain the heavy thoughts simply. She tries again. “My parents might never be okay with this, and I don't know if she…” she trails off, sighing instead.
"You don't know if she'd stay because of that?" Juhyun raised her eyebrows, seemingly understanding her worries almost instantly. “Don't you think she deserves more credit than that?”
“I know,” she sighs again. She’s been sighing a lot, recently. “-but after all she's gone through, she can't possibly want to stay if they're against it. It hasn't been easy for her, with me."
Juhyun doesn't say anything after that. She just stares at Taeyeon as if she's the most complex puzzle in the world, and Taeyeon figures maybe she is because she doesn't understand herself either, at least half the time. Juhyun seems to be thinking and Taeyeon lets her as she drinks on her warm cup of latte, watching as the small pretty coffee art disperse. The cafe makes really pretty coffee arts and plays good music, Tiffany would love that. I'll bring her here next time.
It doesn't take long as she busies herself with her latte and random thoughts of Tiffany when Juhyun speaks up again.
“Hypothetically speaking, if - and I actually mean if - the worst scenario happens, are you ready for that? At the end of the day, they are your parents,” Juhyun emphasizes. “Regardless of how Tiffany reacts to this, the question is, would you fight for her?”
Would I? She keeps silent at the thought. She glances around the cafe, as she tries imagining how it would feel to let Tiffany go. The rowdy cafe now probably looks like now her mind would be as she ponders on the question. She shifts her gaze down and fiddles with the ring around her little finger, knowing well that another just like it is wrapping snugly around Tiffany's as well.
Their best. That's the promise that came along with the couple rings they've been wearing since their first anniversary together. It’s a little childish, perhaps, that they had chosen pinky rings than the usual rings as the symbolic ‘pinky swear’, but Taeyeon doesn’t mind. They had promised to give their best, no matter how hard it could be. She tries to imagine breaking that promise and how it'd feel to give up on them because it was an easier way out, how it'd feel to knowingly break Tiffany's heart along with her own because it was simpler than fighting for them, for her. She tries to imagine it but she couldn't and she knows exactly why she couldn't picture it.
She takes out the ring and sees the little writing etched in the inner ring.
T&T
She couldn't even imagine giving up on Tiffany because it isn't even an option for her. Her heart stubbornly refuses to even consider that at all.
Would I fight for her?
“I would,” she replies, after a while. Putting the ring back on, she looks up to see Juhyun smiling softly at her.
“Then let her fight with you.” Juhyun leans back in her chair, looking satisfied with herself and sometimes, Taeyeon hates how she's right, and how easily she justifies it. "This isn't something you have to go through alone.”
Her best friend’s right, and she’s no longer afraid of the same thing because she knows Tiffany would fight for them, too, but Taeyeon still isn’t ready to tell her. Not just yet, she’ll tell her when she knows for sure how her parents feel about them, no matter how they felt about them. Why make the both of them worry about something that's still unclear? Just a little longer, she'd keep it to herself.
At least that way, she'd be more certain about how to handle the situation.
----
Tiffany seems to be worrying over something lately. She refuses to give Taeyeon a proper answer so Taeyeon decides gives her some space instead of insisting. If Tiffany wants to talk about it, she would.
Taeyeon adjusts her bag, leaning against the lockers as a few students walk by, waiting for Tiffany to keep her books. The girl seems to be hesitating about something the whole day, seemingly wanting to say something but decides otherwise at the last moment, and Taeyeon wonders what could possibly be wrong.
“Can I tell people you're mine?” Tiffany asks suddenly, closing her locker.
She freezes, thinking she might have heard her wrong. She looks at her, tilting her head in question. “Huh?"
Biting her lower lip nervously, Tiffany looks away as she nudges them to walk out of the building since neither had any more classes that day. “Like I mean, when we're together and we meet someone I know, or when people ask me if I'm single, can I tell them about you? Are you okay with that?”
That’s what’s been worrying her, Taeyeon realises. She doesn’t reply, taking her time to think about it as she contemplates on the idea. After telling her parents about them - which she has yet to tell Tiffany - she surprisingly finds that she doesn’t care as much as she did before if other people knows of them, now. A little worried, still, but not as afraid as she had been. The people that mattered most to her already knew.
She glances at the quiet girl walking next to her as they walk out of the campus’ gates, turning the corner down the street to their usual diner. Tiffany looks nervous, and a little guilty for some reason, as if she really wants that acknowledgement but is afraid of scaring Taeyeon away.
She walks a little closer to her, their hands brushing lightly against each other. “You really want to tell them?”
“Uh, not really,” she tries to deny, causing Taeyeon to raise her eyebrows. “Well okay, yes I do but only if you-”
“Taeyeon! Hey!” A call interrupts Tiffany and Taeyeon smiles apologetically as they stop in their tracks, looking for the source.
She spots a really old friend walking towards them and grins. “Hey! Wow, it's been so long,” she greets as the other girl reaches them, returning the hug she was given.
“It has, you look great! How are you?” Her friend asks, playfully checking her out at an arm's length.
Taeyeon chuckles, shoving her lightly. “Thanks. I'm good actually! School wise, I could be better, still trying to graduate with decent marks. You?”
“I'm good, for now. Oh God, school has been crazy, and you'll never believe it but I have so many things to tell you-” the girl stops suddenly, her gaze shifting to something behind Taeyeon. Laughing a little, she grins as she looks back at her. “You know what, let's just meet up and catch up some time, your friend looks uncomfortably awkward over there.”
She mentally face palms herself for forgetting, and turns to find Tiffany standing a little distance away- looking very awkward as her friend has stated.
She laughs as well, motioning her girlfriend over. “Come here. This is my good friend from high school, Sunye. We haven’t seen each other since we both graduated. And this is-” she pauses, suddenly as reminded of what they were talking about earlier. She looks at Sunye, and realises she’s okay with her knowing so she continues her introduction with a small smile. “This is Tiffany, my girlfriend.”
A stunned silence issues between them as Sunye gapes, looking back and forth between her and Tiffany, while the latter looks at her in surprise. She spares Tiffany a smile, too, shaking her head reassuringly and reaching out to give her hand a squeeze.
“What the hell, Taeyeon?” Sunye blurts out and she feels Tiffany tensing beside her so she tightens her hold on her hand, but when Sunye bursts out laughing, she couldn’t help but feel relieved herself. “Didn’t know you swung that way but how you manage to get a girlfriend this pretty when I still can't even get nerdy Engineering guy to ask me out, is totally blowing my mind right now.”
After a little more teasing, exchanging of numbers, and Sunye making her promise to keep in touch, they bid her goodbye, with the latter goodheartedly inviting Tiffany along to future meet-ups. They continue to walk in silence, and Taeyeon's completely aware of the smile that hasn't left her girlfriend's face and the happy swinging of their hands. This is a start, and granted, not every reaction could possibly be as warm and accepting but she hopes that most would at least respect them enough regarding their relationship. She knows that Tiffany would start telling only a handful who asks or those she’s comfortable with knowing about them as well. Inevitably, words would spread, but she feels they’re ready for it. What they have is just between the two of them anyway, no one can possibly completely understand, and that's okay.
She looks up at the clear sky, aware of how much the way she thinks has change remarkably, just because of the one girl who had opened her heart. A light squeeze of her hand makes her turn to the girl glowing with joy. She smiles at the sight, Tiffany must have really, really, wanted that acknowledgment for a while now.
“A little heads up next time?” Tiffany asks, grinning brightly as they reach the diner.
She chuckles. “I can give you an advance heads up now if you want; you may as well start getting use to it.”
----
Taeyeon runs her thumb lightly over the strings, making sure it's not too loud, and lets the sound of the chord soothe her heart. She holds the white guitar close to her. She used to bring it everywhere she went. It used to be the only thing that makes her feel safe. The main source, now, is Tiffany but when she isn't around or she's the cause of the worry itself, Taeyeon turns back to her guitar for comfort. It's not the same, of course, because she'll want Tiffany either way but it'll have to do sometimes.
She thinks about her, even when she plays the guitar, thinks about her when music becomes one with herself and thinks about her in a much calmer state; her mind clearer, her heart patient. She thinks about Tiffany a lot, in general.
Everything about Tiffany is familiar, it always has been.
Even from the day Taeyeon had noticed her by the lockers, nearby where she used to wait for Juhyun. Taeyeon has never told her but she had noticed her long before they got to know each other, as well. How could she not? Tiffany's beautiful, even when she's dressed down, with a worn-out looking sweater, faded ripped jeans and old tattered sneakers. She had seen her around campus so much that when their eyes had finally met in the hallways by the lockers, Taeyeon had smiled because it felt familiar and it felt like seeing an old friend.
Even from the day she paced around her apartment, trying to figure out if she should meet the random pretty girl whom she was convinced had asked her out on a date, there was something about Tiffany that was like an itch she couldn't scratch. She knew she had wanted to, but she was hesitant. She had thought about the unwavering hopeful gaze as Tiffany stumbled over her words and something in her just clicked. It felt like Tiffany knew her, when she wasn't even sure of herself and that pushed her to leave the apartment 10minutes later, grabbing her thick jacket, her beanie, gloves, and completely out of habit, her guitar that was still in its bag from the night before.
That familiarity; why else would she have agreed to meet a girl who was practically a stranger, so suddenly? She couldn't exactly pin point what it was but it was part of the main struggles for her during the first few months of their relationship. She wasn’t comfortable in someone new knowing that part of her when she had been unsure of it herself. She only reasoned it later on that maybe the corny love stories were right, maybe some people just had instant undeniable chemistry and maybe that's exactly what they had.
Everything about Tiffany strikes a chord in her heart. When she didn't have the words for how she feels, Tiffany made her heart sing. Everything Tiffany did could pick on her heartstrings. It has always been that way.
“Tae..” It came off soft but Taeyeon hears it clearly above her strumming.
She stops her actions, and turning from her desk to look at her girlfriend curled up under her blanket. Tiffany had slept over friday night and woke up with a pretty bad flu. Taeyeon had insisted the girl stays with her for the weekend till she gets better. Looking at the droopy eyes and the way Tiffany crinkles her red nose as she sniffs, Taeyeon grows concerned and glances at the clock by her bed. It's been at least half an hour since she's tucked her in, Tiffany's supposed to get better; the medication should be kicking in right now but the girl isn't looking like she feels any better just yet.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” she asks, putting her guitar down and approaches the bed instead. She sits down next to her when Tiffany scoots to make space for her, placing a hand over the girl's forehead. It’s still warm, although not particularly burning like it was an hour ago. “Are you feeling better?”
Tiffany shrugs nonchalantly, turning to her side. She pats the space on the bed, tugging Taeyeon’s sleeve. “You didn’t wake me, I can't sleep. Come cuddle with me.”
“Try and nap for a bit.” Taeyeon complies to her request and lies down on the empty space, facing her. She runs her fingers lightly over the girl’s heavy eyelids, bringing them to a close and smiles when Tiffany playfully attempts to nip on her hand. "You need to rest, just close your eyes.”
They lay there quietly, and she watches as Tiffany breathes slowly, a small smile on the latter's face despite sniffing every now and then. She couldn't care less if she catches the bug by being so close to her. Tiffany,with her eyes closed, manages to sneak her hand under Taeyeon’s shirt, drawing silly patterns on her hip. It tickles and she feels goosebumps rising from the light actions. Brushing the girl’s hair away from her face, Taeyeon watches her, feeling her heart sing wonders again, and when Tiffany opens her eyes to meet her gaze, her breath gets caught in her throat.
It's the raw emotions that she feels just by looking in her eyes, that always catches her off guard. The amount of love, and warmth, how she could see the limitless adoration, joy and comfort just from her eyes alone, it always surprises her.
This girl, she's so beautiful, inside and out; this is the girl Taeyeon is so helplessly enchanted with.
She parts her lips to tell Tiffany how she makes her feel; she wants to tell her that she makes her happy too, that she loves her so much, but like countless times before, she never gets to because Tiffany always beats her to it. Tiffany always knew what to say. She was always one step ahead.
“I love you,” Tiffany whispers to her, making Taeyeon frown about being too late again so when her girlfriend wanted to say something else, she kisses her. “I-"
She kisses her and feels Tiffany gasp against her lips before she kisses back. She kisses her slowly, aware of how her senses heighten and how all she could feel is Tiffany; she could feel Tiffany's warm lips enveloping her own, Tiffany's scent filling the air every time she breathes in, Tiffany’s hand now resting firmly on the exposed skin of her hip and Tiffany’s pulse beating gently against her palm as she rests her hand at the nape of her neck. She feels herself getting lost in everything Tiffany before the girl groans softly, breaking the kiss by turning her head away and sniffing loudly.
Taeyeon laughs in spite herself and almost roughly scoops Tiffany into her arms, earning herself protests before the girl eventually relaxes in her hold, probably too weak to struggle.
She could probably take all the words in the world, but nothing can quite describe the feeling of having Tiffany that close to her. Nothing can describe the way her own heart beats when she feels Tiffany's warm forehead pressed against her neck, or the light breaths and nst her collarbones, or the hand on her hip that has repositioned itself on the small of her back and has started to draw silly patterns on her skin again.
Her heart couldn't stop singing, so she begins to hum, trying to lull her sick girlfriend to sleep. The latter snuggles against her more, and Taeyeon starts to sing to her outloud instead, softly. She smiles a little when Tiffany sighs contently. She sings to her, and hopes somehow that the songs of her heart would reach Tiffany's. She holds her close, patting her gently, eventually feeling Tiffany's breathing slowing down into rhythmic deep ones, and hopes her voice could bring her comfort even as she sleeps.
Everything about Tiffany is familiar, and Taeyeon has grown to accept the fact that that her heart feels like it will always know her.
--
Taeyeon has never felt so out of place in the house she had grown up in, but there she is, feeling all sorts of tensed and awkwardness before her parents' scrutinizing eyes. She chooses to play with her food instead, not knowing what to say or do, and from the looks of it, her parents are barely eating as well. They keep throwing her glances, but since she couldn't look up and meet their eyes, she's unsure of whether they're filled with disappointment or just curiousity. Or both, for that matter.
It's been more than a few months before she gets a call from her mother, telling her to come home. She had agreed because she figures it was time to get their verdict but it's been at least 20minutes and they had barely said anything besides a greeting when she had arrived, and her mother calling her and her father to the table for dinner.
After minimal contact since she came out to them, their relationship has then felt slightly strained. Taeyeon doesn't know what was going through her parents' minds but she hasn't quite gotten over their initial reaction and how she hadn't expected for it to hurt and disappoint her as much as it did.
They were shocked, of course, and she couldn't tell what their expression were. Disgusted? Almost but not quite. Absolutely horrified? Maybe? She wasn't sure but their first questions to her made her look like a child, like she was rebelling, and that was what created the whole tension between them in the first place.
"What-why? Did we do something wrong?"
"Is this an experiment? Are you just trying this out?"
It was really mostly her father because her mother looked completely dumbfounded, but still, it had felt like a slap on her face. The struggle she had gone through to get to the point of telling them, the endless self questioning and the battle with her insecurities, to getting questioned again if she was sure? That hadn't made her feel good at all, and also made her defensive, admittedly. At least she knew then that she may have looked a lot like her mother but her incapabilities with words, impulsiveness and defence mechanism definitely came from her father.
She had left the house after what turned out to be a good around of argument. She was upset and disappointed, but at the same time so relieved. She had felt so free. There's nothing to hide anymore.
The soft clutter of utensils being put down made her look up to see her mother heave a sigh before turning to glare at her father.
"Okay, we can't eat like this, so let's talk it out now," she says, nudging her father's arm lightly and tilting her head towards Taeyeon. "Say it."
Clearing his throat, her father slowly put down his own utensils and meets Taeyeon's eyes for the first time that evening. His eyes are still as firm as she always remembers them to be, but it softens, albeit just a little, when he starts to speak.
"Look, Taetae, I didn't mean to question your life decisions. You're what, 23? I'm sure you've thought about it a lot beforehand too," he says, and Taeyeon feels her heart warm with the use of her childhood nickname. She hasn't heard it in a while.
She looks down, nodding to show him that she's still listening, and continues to play with her food. She doesn't know what to expect but it seems like he had a lot to say so she decides maybe they can talk a little more calmly this time.
"He was -- we were just, surprised. That's all," her mother continues instead when her father didn't say anything else. "I'm sorry that we reacted so badly, and we've talked about it. We just-- we'd like to understand. Is that okay, baby?"
She smiles a little at the term and looks up to see her mother smiling warmly at her as well. Her heart swells at the sincerity in their eyes. They're definitely much calmer now to talk it out.
"Does that mean you're okay with me like this?" Taeyeon asks, finally putting her fork and spoon down. She pushes her plate away slightly to fold her arms on the table, leaning forward comfortably to meet both of their gazes.
"Well," her father started, glancing briefly at her mother who gave a nod and another smile, before turning back to Taeyeon and continuing, "You're our only daughter so you're definitely not disowned if that's what you're asking."
Her mother sighs again, rolling her eyes, and that made Taeyeon smile. "What your dad means is that we still love you very much and it'd take time to get used to but we'll learn to accept this, of course."
Her father shrugs, and leans back in his seat. "Yeah, what she said."
Taeyeon can't help but giggle when he grins cheekily while her mother shakes her head at him.
She shrugs as well, "Good enough for me, I guess."
A moment of silence passes and Taeyeon notices the lack of tension in it this time as she watches her parents exchange another look.
"So, how long have you known? That you'd like..well, that you could like girls that way?" her mother asks, making her father flinch slightly at the bluntness of her question.
She thinks it over before replying, "For a long while, but I really started to question it when I met Tiffany, to be honest. It never really bothered me until I met her because I've never really felt that way, that strongly, before and everything changed from then on."
She must have been smiling because her mother smiles back. "Tiffany's your girlfriend, right?"
Taeyeon nods, feeling her smile grow wider.
"How long have you known her?" It's her father asking this time. He didn't sound as skeptical as he did the last time, but just genuinely curious.
"Um, almost 2 years?" It's an estimation on her part but it still definitely catches herself off guard. They've come so far. She feels her smile permanently etching itself on her face at the thought. "We've been in a relationship more or less a year and 6 months though."
Her father starts to smile as well. "You must really love her."
"Yeah, I do," she replies, without missing a beat. "She's lovely, you'd love her too if you met her."
Her mother chuckles, seemingly relaxing in her seat. "Okay then, bring her over some time," she says, as her father nods in agreement. "We'd like to meet her."
That certainly wipes the smile off her face. It escalated too quickly. "Uh, I'm sorry, what?"
It's her father's turn to laugh this time. "Bring your girlfriend over. I think we'd understand a lot faster if we met her in person."
She gapes at the both of them, wondering if they're joking. But when her mother announces they should finish their dinner before it gets too cold, she realises they had meant it.
Not only does she have tell Tiffany that she came out to her parents and they know of her existence, but now she has to invite her over to meet them too.
As she watches her parents continue eating and switching topics about their day, she feels pure joy rushing through every vein in her body.
It's all falling into place. Everything's going to be just fine.
--
She hums softly, staring up at the girl who has her heart.
Taeyeon has never been good with words. To make up for the lack of it, she often tries to show how she feels instead. Actions speak louder than words, they say. She hopes 'they’ are right, because it's the best she can do.
It's a quiet lazy afternoon at Tiffany's place. She's laying her head on Tiffany's lap as the latter has one hand occupied with a book, while the other gently cradles the side of Taeyeon's head. Occasionally Tiffany runs a thumb gently over the shell of her ear, occasionally she runs her fingers through her hair, occasionally she glances down to her and gives her a warm smile, and every single time, Taeyeon couldn’t feel more loved as she continues to look at her. She sometimes convinces herself that she can’t possibly fall any more in love with her, and most of those times, Tiffany seems to have a knack of proving her wrong.
She finds it unfair that Tiffany has the advantage of words and the actions, but once again, she selfishly hoped that with what little she has, she's enough for Tiffany.
Selfish. She's been selfish with the most giving girl she's ever met and with everything that she lacks, she wonders what Tiffany sees in her. Given, Tiffany isn't perfect. Taeyeon might be hopelessly in love with her, but she isn't blinded by it.
Tiffany has a bad habit of overthinking, she gets jealous easily and has a bit of a temper whenever the right buttons are pushed. She's messy and strong headed. More often than not, Taeyeon thinks that Tiffany might be too attractive for her own good, but she can't help to see beyond that. She can't help but notice how beyond the perfect look, and imperfect flaws, that Tiffany is most beautiful in her eyes because she has the loveliest, most gentle, heart and yet, the girl has decided it's best to give something that precious wholly to her.
She's just not sure why Tiffany has chosen her, when she can have anyone she chooses. Out of all the hearts in the world, she has chosen Taeyeon's to sing along with hers. She doesn’t question her, though, and she knows better than to doubt her about it. All she could do - all she wants - is to know she’s giving Tiffany as much as she feels she's been receiving, because Tiffany deserves nothing less than her whole heart, too.
“I love you, so much,” Taeyeon breathes out suddenly, catching herself off guard.
She watches as Tiffany tenses briefly before looking at her in surprise, but the slight upturn of the corner of her lips and the sparkle in her eyes doesn't go unnoticed. Taeyeon knows she doesn't give her the benefit of hearing it as often as she intended to. Tiffany eventually chuckles lightly, sliding her bookmark into the book and putting it aside.
“I know. Who wouldn't?” Tiffany counters playfully, her hand comfortingly running through Taeyeon's hair again. “But thank you, it's nice to hear it.”
She takes the soothing hand and holds it against her chest, not wanting to play around. Tiffany seems to notice because her smile falters a little, looking concerned.
“Do you-,” Taeyeon pauses. This is a good time to talk to her about it, but she isn’t sure how she should bring it up. “Do you want to meet my parents?”
“Excuse me?” Tiffany looks at her so incredously that Taeyeon smiles a little.
She sits up, her hand not letting go of Tiffany’s - just in case the girl starts to freak out. Running her thumb lightly against the back of Tiffany's hand, she looks down to their joined hands and couldn't help but love how Tiffany's hands seems to fit perfectly with hers. She knows that the girl's waiting for her to continue but she takes a little time to put her thoughts together as she plays with her hand.
“A few months ago, I told my parents about us," she says simply. It’s better to just cut to the chase, she figures. “And they’ve been asking me to bring you over, for the past week.”
“Wait. They’ve known for a few months?” Tiffany frowns, looking displeased. “Why didn't you tell me?”
“I just wanted to know for sure how they felt about it first before telling you,” she explains, hoping that she hasn't offended her by keeping it from her. "It was just something I needed to figure out myself first."
Tiffany's still frowning, and Taeyeon couldn't help but laugh a little. She looks really cute like that, with her eyebrows furrowed, slightly slumped shoulders and lips pouting. The only thing that worries her is how Tiffany stays unmoving and tensed, seemingly having an internal struggle with herself.
She must have surprised her for bringing up something this big suddenly. “It’s okay if you’re not ready yet, you kn--”
“Okay,” Tiffany interrupts, a smile gradually replaces her frown.
Taeyeon's a little confused by the answer. What does that mean? “Okay?”
“Yeah, I'd love to meet them.” The small smile turns a little nervous. “They’ll- be okay with me, right?”
She grins. “Of course. They'll love you.” Who wouldn’t?
Tiffany nods mindlessly and visibly relaxes. She huffs, glaring at Taeyeon in fake annoyance. “I'm still mad at you for not telling me about it though, and you're so gonna meet mine soon, too.”
“Sorry, I had some things to figure out and sure, I'd love to meet them,” she replies, laughing when Tiffany intensifies her glare. She softens her smile, looking at the girl she hadn't expected would mean the whole world to her. She kisses the back of Tiffany's hand, bringing it to rest on her lap and holding it between both of her own. “I'll even go to tell them with you, if you want.”
Tiffany smiles warmly at that, and Taeyeon could feel the happiness and fondness radiating off her as Tiffany scoots closer to her. “I'll think about it.”
Taeyeon knows how much they've changed and glad that it’s for the better. She knows how they had somehow managed to adjust and mold into each other's heart. Maybe that's how love could work, she figures. Maybe it's not always about finding the missing piece; maybe sometimes, it's about finding someone who would eventually grow to fit snugly into that empty, vacant spot.
They've come so far together, and Taeyeon still feels sorry for all the things that Tiffany had to go through but she knows she has more than enough time to make up for it. She finds unexplainable comfort in knowing that they still have a long way to go, with no end in mind. Their story's only barely starting.
Taeyeon might not have the right words, but she'll make sure that Tiffany will always have every inch of her heart for as long as she wants it.
She chuckles under her breath when Tiffany grabs her head playfully, pulling it towards her and kisses her cheek.
For a while now, she feels that Tiffany will always be the one who could pick on her heartstrings and make her heart sing, so she is determined she'll hold on to them for as long as she can.
********
:) ASKFM.
A/N: I probably started writing this due to these Anon/non-anon requests,and it sure was a very slow and careful process, because I really didn't want to disappoint so I hope it went well. So, this is a little something I had been working on (but only recently reviewed/completed it) for everyone who loved Picking on Heartstrings. Thank you :)
------------
Disclaimer: Quite a long read.
For your reference: PoH 1 / PoHA 2
Picking on Heartstrings, Always; Taeyeon's Story
Taeyeon has never been good with words. She doesn't really know exactly how or when to say what. She has never really known what she should or shouldn't say, so she often chooses to say nothing at all.
“When there’s nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all.” All her life, she has lived by her mother’s advice and by doing that, she has somehow protected herself against misunderstandings but that’s long before she meets the girl who turned her life around.
With Tiffany, Taeyeon needs words to be on her side. Words are sometimes necessary because Tiffany thinks a lot - sometimes, too much - and Taeyeon never wants her to think or interpret anything wrongly. Their relationship itself has been a bit of a roller coaster ride but Tiffany has taken her to new heights, made her experience wonders in her heart, and Taeyeon doesn’t intend on letting go of the most giving girl she has ever met.
As they stand in a more private corner of the crowded mall, ice cold tension lingering between them, Taeyeon wishes she knew the right things to say. Tiffany's usually a verbal person but often, her eyes expresses much more. Right now, Taeyeon wishes she could take the amount of disappointment and hurt in her eyes away. Taeyeon has no idea how to make things right but she tries, anyway.
“I'm not- ,” she pauses, frowning deeply. “I'm not ashamed of you.” How can she be? She thought they've been through and over the idea of that. Why would Tiffany still think that? They've been together for more than a year after all.
Tiffany has turned her life around, and it has been a personal struggle for Taeyeon to come to terms with who she is and who she loves. She has kept that part of her to herself for so long that to have Tiffany in her life basically yanked it out before she could prepare herself.
For something she has kept at the back of her mind for that long to be brought into surface by someone as wonderful as Tiffany, it's been quite a ride; something she's sorry that Tiffany had to come along with. Taeyeon might still be reserved about herself and them, but she'd never be ashamed of the girl. It isn't at all about being ashamed of who she is or who she loves, it's much more of acceptance and the fear of the lack of that.
She's aware, though, that sometimes she can be impulsive and her actions seem to say otherwise even though it's never intentional. She just selfishly hopes that Tiffany would understand, each and every time.
“Really? You're not?” Tiffany challenges, her eyes hard and her stance distant. “I'm not so sure about that.”
Not this time, though. This time will be one of the few moments that Tiffany doesn't understand, and usually the other girl would let it go and take a little time to calm down. The time that Taeyeon takes to gather her thoughts and put them into words, as simply and as clearly as she could. This time, Tiffany isn't taking that route and it feels a lot like being cornered because Taeyeon realises she might've been constantly leaving Tiffany hanging at the edge of uncertainties for so long that there would come a day day when the girl wouldn't want to hold on anymore.
She clenches her jaw, the helplessness affecting her thoughts even more. She steps closer to Tiffany, searching her eyes. Once again, she selfishly needs her to understand.
Her heart breaks when her girlfriend shakes her head and takes a step back in response, maintaining the distance between them.
“I'm never ashamed of you,” she repeats, ignoring the tremble in her voice but Tiffany seems to notice. This isn't about you.
“Then what is it?” Tiffany probes, her eyes softening just sightly and Taeyeon feels her breath hitch at the weary sadness behind them. “What? I'm not even good enough to be a friend to you around your parents now?”
Granted, Taeyeon has had a brief lapse of judgment where she had pulled Tiffany into hiding when she spotted her parents in the mall they're in. She was caught off guard; her parents rarely go to that mall. Heck, they rarely even leave their home since it's about an hour's journey away from the main city. It was why Taeyeon had decided to live on her own, closer to her college and to the center of city. It isn't much about her parents seeing her with Tiffany that she tries to avoid, it's really more of the fact that she just doesn't want to be around them at the moment.
However, Tiffany has misinterpreted her actions of avoiding them and, once her parents were out of sight, questioned her.
Tiffany is upset, and Taeyeon sort of understands why but she has her reasons too, no matter how badly she's handling the situation. She doesn't want to tell Tiffany, because she isn't supposed to know. Not yet, at least.
Taeyeon tries to approach her, again, and when Tiffany avoids her touch once more, she feels something in her snap. It's infuriating because Tiffany should have known by now that she would never be ashamed of her, she should have known that she loves her just as much, if not more. The way that the girl is reacting to this proves for sure that it’s best for Taeyeon not to tell her real reasons for acting that way.
“You really think that?” she asks in disbelief, trying not to let her irritation get a hold of her. “You really think that I’d be ashamed of you because you’re not good enough?”
It’s not how she usually would have handled the situation. Usually, she would have just apologised when Tiffany relaxes her stance. Usually, she’d apologise because it always seems to be her fault. She’s always sorry and it’s making her feel so mad to know that after everything they’ve gone through, and after every fight she has apologised for - and tried to make up for - Tiffany still doubts her like that. Like there’s nothing she can do that’ll be enough. Nothing else she could do to prove how much she means to her.
Tiffany nods as her reply, almost tauntingly, as her eyes darkened again, and it adds even more fuel to her irritation.
“That's a load of bullshit, you know that right?” Taeyeon snarls before she could stop herself.
She has never felt so angry and disappointed with Tiffany before. She couldn't think straight at this point, barely noticing that the girl is totally frozen and completely surprised by her outburst.
Taeyeon raises her hand, flashing her stunned girlfriend the ring on her pinky.
“So tell me why, I wear this damn thing around if you're so embrassing to me? Tell me why I even bother with you at all, then?!” Her voice gradually rises as she drops her hand. “What- just exactly what do you want me to do for you to stop thinking you mean so little to me?”
She breathes deeply, trying to calm down. She feels the stress getting to her because she has her parents to deal with, which is already pushing her limits, and she really doesn't need an insecure, upset girlfriend on top of that. She needs her to understand; she just needs her there whenever things get too hard with her parents. She just wants it to be okay for her to be selfish, just this once.
When Tiffany doesn't reply, she asks again, her voice softer as she desperately searches her eyes. “What do you want me to do?”
She gets a small shake of a head as a response and doesn't know what to make of it, so she gets mad again because she wants an answer, she needs to know what she can do to make Tiffany stop doubting her like that. She needs Tiffany to feel like her heart is safe with her.
“Do you want me to wear a sign around my neck?” she continues to question her, raising her voice again. “Do you want me to shout it from the rooftop? God damn it, Tiffany, just tell me what you want me to do!"
Tiffany flinches at her tone but in an instant, Taeyeon feels herself wrapped in her arms.
“Okay, hey, calm down,” Tiffany mutters, rubbing her back.
She's suddenly aware of how badly she's shaking when she lifts her arms to rest it on Tiffany's hip, clutching her shirt like it's her lifeline. She needs her to understand.
They stay in each other's arms for a moment, each battling with their own insecurities. It's only when Taeyeon feels herself calm down, and the trembling ceasing, that Tiffany breaks the silence.
“Sorry,” she mutters, her hands still rubbing Taeyeon's back soothingly. "I'm sorry."
There she goes, giving in again.
Taeyeon sighs heavily. She feels horrible for raising her voice and talking to her like that so she pulls her closer, burying her face against Tiffany's neck. “I’m sorry, too. I just need you to trust me. Please? Just- just trust me.”
Tiffany doesn’t reply straight away, but she eventually nods against her shoulder, whispering a soft, “Okay.”
She lets Tiffany hold her like that, not minding if anyone sees them. They're not important to her right now. She hopes her outburst hasn’t scared her away, but she somehow knows that Tiffany understands - she always understands, in the end.
“Do you want to get some ice cream?” Taeyeon suggests, wanting to make up to her.
Tiffany chuckles lightly, making herself smile at the sound.
“Yeah, that'd be nice,” she replies, pulling away and smiling a little.
Taeyeon notices the gloominess that hasn't completely gone away and inwardly sighs as she brushes Tiffany's bangs away from her eyes. I'm sorry I keep hurting you but please, trust me.
Tiffany isn't at all that perfect, but Taeyeon thinks her biggest flaw will always be her selflessness and Taeyeon hopes she's worth all that she's making her go through. She'll make sure that she is.
She's already trying.
--
"You told them what?"
Chatters buzz across the busy cafe, accompanied by the occasional ring of the bell by the entrance door and the low indie songs playing in the background.
Taeyeon looks at her, meeting the eyes of one of the few people she trusts with her life; one of her bestfriends, who happens to be the very one she used to always wait for in the hallways, by the lockers. "I told them about me, and I told them about Tiffany," she repeats wearily.
“Your parents?” Her bestfriend looks beyond confused. "You told your parents?"
It does sound crazy. “Yes, Juhyun.”
To be honest, she doesn't blame her for not being able to understand straight away. After all, Taeyeon is the one who's supposedly hesitant in the relationship. Doing this, coming out to her parents and telling them she's already seeing someone, isn't just a huge step for her, it's taking a complete leap of faith.
“Oh, wow, okay, um,” Juhyun pauses briefly, furrowing her brows in concern, “so, how did they take it?"
She shrugs, diverting her gaze down again. “They need a little time and so do I, to be honest.”
She didn't want to talk about how they didn't take it lightly, as expected, and how she had unexpectedly been so disappointed by it.
“Did you.. tell Tiffany? Does she know?” Juhyun asks, hesitantly.
She shakes her head, keeping her eyes on her cup.
She hears her bestfriend sigh rather heavily. “Why not? This isn't just about you, you know? She should kno-”
She shakes her head, again, a little too vigorously at the thought. No way. “Not until my parents are okay with it.”
Another brief pause. “What are you afraid of?”
Taeyeon glances up at the blunt question, only to find the girl frowning. She weighs her options, unsure if she wants to talk about it but it's been bothering her for couple of weeks now and when she looks into her bestfriend's eyes, she knows the girl will have the right words for her.
“If- would she still stay if they-” She stops, not knowing how she could explain the heavy thoughts simply. She tries again. “My parents might never be okay with this, and I don't know if she…” she trails off, sighing instead.
"You don't know if she'd stay because of that?" Juhyun raised her eyebrows, seemingly understanding her worries almost instantly. “Don't you think she deserves more credit than that?”
“I know,” she sighs again. She’s been sighing a lot, recently. “-but after all she's gone through, she can't possibly want to stay if they're against it. It hasn't been easy for her, with me."
Juhyun doesn't say anything after that. She just stares at Taeyeon as if she's the most complex puzzle in the world, and Taeyeon figures maybe she is because she doesn't understand herself either, at least half the time. Juhyun seems to be thinking and Taeyeon lets her as she drinks on her warm cup of latte, watching as the small pretty coffee art disperse. The cafe makes really pretty coffee arts and plays good music, Tiffany would love that. I'll bring her here next time.
It doesn't take long as she busies herself with her latte and random thoughts of Tiffany when Juhyun speaks up again.
“Hypothetically speaking, if - and I actually mean if - the worst scenario happens, are you ready for that? At the end of the day, they are your parents,” Juhyun emphasizes. “Regardless of how Tiffany reacts to this, the question is, would you fight for her?”
Would I? She keeps silent at the thought. She glances around the cafe, as she tries imagining how it would feel to let Tiffany go. The rowdy cafe now probably looks like now her mind would be as she ponders on the question. She shifts her gaze down and fiddles with the ring around her little finger, knowing well that another just like it is wrapping snugly around Tiffany's as well.
Their best. That's the promise that came along with the couple rings they've been wearing since their first anniversary together. It’s a little childish, perhaps, that they had chosen pinky rings than the usual rings as the symbolic ‘pinky swear’, but Taeyeon doesn’t mind. They had promised to give their best, no matter how hard it could be. She tries to imagine breaking that promise and how it'd feel to give up on them because it was an easier way out, how it'd feel to knowingly break Tiffany's heart along with her own because it was simpler than fighting for them, for her. She tries to imagine it but she couldn't and she knows exactly why she couldn't picture it.
She takes out the ring and sees the little writing etched in the inner ring.
T&T
She couldn't even imagine giving up on Tiffany because it isn't even an option for her. Her heart stubbornly refuses to even consider that at all.
Would I fight for her?
“I would,” she replies, after a while. Putting the ring back on, she looks up to see Juhyun smiling softly at her.
“Then let her fight with you.” Juhyun leans back in her chair, looking satisfied with herself and sometimes, Taeyeon hates how she's right, and how easily she justifies it. "This isn't something you have to go through alone.”
Her best friend’s right, and she’s no longer afraid of the same thing because she knows Tiffany would fight for them, too, but Taeyeon still isn’t ready to tell her. Not just yet, she’ll tell her when she knows for sure how her parents feel about them, no matter how they felt about them. Why make the both of them worry about something that's still unclear? Just a little longer, she'd keep it to herself.
At least that way, she'd be more certain about how to handle the situation.
----
Tiffany seems to be worrying over something lately. She refuses to give Taeyeon a proper answer so Taeyeon decides gives her some space instead of insisting. If Tiffany wants to talk about it, she would.
Taeyeon adjusts her bag, leaning against the lockers as a few students walk by, waiting for Tiffany to keep her books. The girl seems to be hesitating about something the whole day, seemingly wanting to say something but decides otherwise at the last moment, and Taeyeon wonders what could possibly be wrong.
“Can I tell people you're mine?” Tiffany asks suddenly, closing her locker.
She freezes, thinking she might have heard her wrong. She looks at her, tilting her head in question. “Huh?"
Biting her lower lip nervously, Tiffany looks away as she nudges them to walk out of the building since neither had any more classes that day. “Like I mean, when we're together and we meet someone I know, or when people ask me if I'm single, can I tell them about you? Are you okay with that?”
That’s what’s been worrying her, Taeyeon realises. She doesn’t reply, taking her time to think about it as she contemplates on the idea. After telling her parents about them - which she has yet to tell Tiffany - she surprisingly finds that she doesn’t care as much as she did before if other people knows of them, now. A little worried, still, but not as afraid as she had been. The people that mattered most to her already knew.
She glances at the quiet girl walking next to her as they walk out of the campus’ gates, turning the corner down the street to their usual diner. Tiffany looks nervous, and a little guilty for some reason, as if she really wants that acknowledgement but is afraid of scaring Taeyeon away.
She walks a little closer to her, their hands brushing lightly against each other. “You really want to tell them?”
“Uh, not really,” she tries to deny, causing Taeyeon to raise her eyebrows. “Well okay, yes I do but only if you-”
“Taeyeon! Hey!” A call interrupts Tiffany and Taeyeon smiles apologetically as they stop in their tracks, looking for the source.
She spots a really old friend walking towards them and grins. “Hey! Wow, it's been so long,” she greets as the other girl reaches them, returning the hug she was given.
“It has, you look great! How are you?” Her friend asks, playfully checking her out at an arm's length.
Taeyeon chuckles, shoving her lightly. “Thanks. I'm good actually! School wise, I could be better, still trying to graduate with decent marks. You?”
“I'm good, for now. Oh God, school has been crazy, and you'll never believe it but I have so many things to tell you-” the girl stops suddenly, her gaze shifting to something behind Taeyeon. Laughing a little, she grins as she looks back at her. “You know what, let's just meet up and catch up some time, your friend looks uncomfortably awkward over there.”
She mentally face palms herself for forgetting, and turns to find Tiffany standing a little distance away- looking very awkward as her friend has stated.
She laughs as well, motioning her girlfriend over. “Come here. This is my good friend from high school, Sunye. We haven’t seen each other since we both graduated. And this is-” she pauses, suddenly as reminded of what they were talking about earlier. She looks at Sunye, and realises she’s okay with her knowing so she continues her introduction with a small smile. “This is Tiffany, my girlfriend.”
A stunned silence issues between them as Sunye gapes, looking back and forth between her and Tiffany, while the latter looks at her in surprise. She spares Tiffany a smile, too, shaking her head reassuringly and reaching out to give her hand a squeeze.
“What the hell, Taeyeon?” Sunye blurts out and she feels Tiffany tensing beside her so she tightens her hold on her hand, but when Sunye bursts out laughing, she couldn’t help but feel relieved herself. “Didn’t know you swung that way but how you manage to get a girlfriend this pretty when I still can't even get nerdy Engineering guy to ask me out, is totally blowing my mind right now.”
After a little more teasing, exchanging of numbers, and Sunye making her promise to keep in touch, they bid her goodbye, with the latter goodheartedly inviting Tiffany along to future meet-ups. They continue to walk in silence, and Taeyeon's completely aware of the smile that hasn't left her girlfriend's face and the happy swinging of their hands. This is a start, and granted, not every reaction could possibly be as warm and accepting but she hopes that most would at least respect them enough regarding their relationship. She knows that Tiffany would start telling only a handful who asks or those she’s comfortable with knowing about them as well. Inevitably, words would spread, but she feels they’re ready for it. What they have is just between the two of them anyway, no one can possibly completely understand, and that's okay.
She looks up at the clear sky, aware of how much the way she thinks has change remarkably, just because of the one girl who had opened her heart. A light squeeze of her hand makes her turn to the girl glowing with joy. She smiles at the sight, Tiffany must have really, really, wanted that acknowledgment for a while now.
“A little heads up next time?” Tiffany asks, grinning brightly as they reach the diner.
She chuckles. “I can give you an advance heads up now if you want; you may as well start getting use to it.”
----
Taeyeon runs her thumb lightly over the strings, making sure it's not too loud, and lets the sound of the chord soothe her heart. She holds the white guitar close to her. She used to bring it everywhere she went. It used to be the only thing that makes her feel safe. The main source, now, is Tiffany but when she isn't around or she's the cause of the worry itself, Taeyeon turns back to her guitar for comfort. It's not the same, of course, because she'll want Tiffany either way but it'll have to do sometimes.
She thinks about her, even when she plays the guitar, thinks about her when music becomes one with herself and thinks about her in a much calmer state; her mind clearer, her heart patient. She thinks about Tiffany a lot, in general.
Everything about Tiffany is familiar, it always has been.
Even from the day Taeyeon had noticed her by the lockers, nearby where she used to wait for Juhyun. Taeyeon has never told her but she had noticed her long before they got to know each other, as well. How could she not? Tiffany's beautiful, even when she's dressed down, with a worn-out looking sweater, faded ripped jeans and old tattered sneakers. She had seen her around campus so much that when their eyes had finally met in the hallways by the lockers, Taeyeon had smiled because it felt familiar and it felt like seeing an old friend.
Even from the day she paced around her apartment, trying to figure out if she should meet the random pretty girl whom she was convinced had asked her out on a date, there was something about Tiffany that was like an itch she couldn't scratch. She knew she had wanted to, but she was hesitant. She had thought about the unwavering hopeful gaze as Tiffany stumbled over her words and something in her just clicked. It felt like Tiffany knew her, when she wasn't even sure of herself and that pushed her to leave the apartment 10minutes later, grabbing her thick jacket, her beanie, gloves, and completely out of habit, her guitar that was still in its bag from the night before.
That familiarity; why else would she have agreed to meet a girl who was practically a stranger, so suddenly? She couldn't exactly pin point what it was but it was part of the main struggles for her during the first few months of their relationship. She wasn’t comfortable in someone new knowing that part of her when she had been unsure of it herself. She only reasoned it later on that maybe the corny love stories were right, maybe some people just had instant undeniable chemistry and maybe that's exactly what they had.
Everything about Tiffany strikes a chord in her heart. When she didn't have the words for how she feels, Tiffany made her heart sing. Everything Tiffany did could pick on her heartstrings. It has always been that way.
“Tae..” It came off soft but Taeyeon hears it clearly above her strumming.
She stops her actions, and turning from her desk to look at her girlfriend curled up under her blanket. Tiffany had slept over friday night and woke up with a pretty bad flu. Taeyeon had insisted the girl stays with her for the weekend till she gets better. Looking at the droopy eyes and the way Tiffany crinkles her red nose as she sniffs, Taeyeon grows concerned and glances at the clock by her bed. It's been at least half an hour since she's tucked her in, Tiffany's supposed to get better; the medication should be kicking in right now but the girl isn't looking like she feels any better just yet.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” she asks, putting her guitar down and approaches the bed instead. She sits down next to her when Tiffany scoots to make space for her, placing a hand over the girl's forehead. It’s still warm, although not particularly burning like it was an hour ago. “Are you feeling better?”
Tiffany shrugs nonchalantly, turning to her side. She pats the space on the bed, tugging Taeyeon’s sleeve. “You didn’t wake me, I can't sleep. Come cuddle with me.”
“Try and nap for a bit.” Taeyeon complies to her request and lies down on the empty space, facing her. She runs her fingers lightly over the girl’s heavy eyelids, bringing them to a close and smiles when Tiffany playfully attempts to nip on her hand. "You need to rest, just close your eyes.”
They lay there quietly, and she watches as Tiffany breathes slowly, a small smile on the latter's face despite sniffing every now and then. She couldn't care less if she catches the bug by being so close to her. Tiffany,with her eyes closed, manages to sneak her hand under Taeyeon’s shirt, drawing silly patterns on her hip. It tickles and she feels goosebumps rising from the light actions. Brushing the girl’s hair away from her face, Taeyeon watches her, feeling her heart sing wonders again, and when Tiffany opens her eyes to meet her gaze, her breath gets caught in her throat.
It's the raw emotions that she feels just by looking in her eyes, that always catches her off guard. The amount of love, and warmth, how she could see the limitless adoration, joy and comfort just from her eyes alone, it always surprises her.
This girl, she's so beautiful, inside and out; this is the girl Taeyeon is so helplessly enchanted with.
She parts her lips to tell Tiffany how she makes her feel; she wants to tell her that she makes her happy too, that she loves her so much, but like countless times before, she never gets to because Tiffany always beats her to it. Tiffany always knew what to say. She was always one step ahead.
“I love you,” Tiffany whispers to her, making Taeyeon frown about being too late again so when her girlfriend wanted to say something else, she kisses her. “I-"
She kisses her and feels Tiffany gasp against her lips before she kisses back. She kisses her slowly, aware of how her senses heighten and how all she could feel is Tiffany; she could feel Tiffany's warm lips enveloping her own, Tiffany's scent filling the air every time she breathes in, Tiffany’s hand now resting firmly on the exposed skin of her hip and Tiffany’s pulse beating gently against her palm as she rests her hand at the nape of her neck. She feels herself getting lost in everything Tiffany before the girl groans softly, breaking the kiss by turning her head away and sniffing loudly.
Taeyeon laughs in spite herself and almost roughly scoops Tiffany into her arms, earning herself protests before the girl eventually relaxes in her hold, probably too weak to struggle.
She could probably take all the words in the world, but nothing can quite describe the feeling of having Tiffany that close to her. Nothing can describe the way her own heart beats when she feels Tiffany's warm forehead pressed against her neck, or the light breaths and nst her collarbones, or the hand on her hip that has repositioned itself on the small of her back and has started to draw silly patterns on her skin again.
Her heart couldn't stop singing, so she begins to hum, trying to lull her sick girlfriend to sleep. The latter snuggles against her more, and Taeyeon starts to sing to her outloud instead, softly. She smiles a little when Tiffany sighs contently. She sings to her, and hopes somehow that the songs of her heart would reach Tiffany's. She holds her close, patting her gently, eventually feeling Tiffany's breathing slowing down into rhythmic deep ones, and hopes her voice could bring her comfort even as she sleeps.
Everything about Tiffany is familiar, and Taeyeon has grown to accept the fact that that her heart feels like it will always know her.
--
Taeyeon has never felt so out of place in the house she had grown up in, but there she is, feeling all sorts of tensed and awkwardness before her parents' scrutinizing eyes. She chooses to play with her food instead, not knowing what to say or do, and from the looks of it, her parents are barely eating as well. They keep throwing her glances, but since she couldn't look up and meet their eyes, she's unsure of whether they're filled with disappointment or just curiousity. Or both, for that matter.
It's been more than a few months before she gets a call from her mother, telling her to come home. She had agreed because she figures it was time to get their verdict but it's been at least 20minutes and they had barely said anything besides a greeting when she had arrived, and her mother calling her and her father to the table for dinner.
After minimal contact since she came out to them, their relationship has then felt slightly strained. Taeyeon doesn't know what was going through her parents' minds but she hasn't quite gotten over their initial reaction and how she hadn't expected for it to hurt and disappoint her as much as it did.
They were shocked, of course, and she couldn't tell what their expression were. Disgusted? Almost but not quite. Absolutely horrified? Maybe? She wasn't sure but their first questions to her made her look like a child, like she was rebelling, and that was what created the whole tension between them in the first place.
"What-why? Did we do something wrong?"
"Is this an experiment? Are you just trying this out?"
It was really mostly her father because her mother looked completely dumbfounded, but still, it had felt like a slap on her face. The struggle she had gone through to get to the point of telling them, the endless self questioning and the battle with her insecurities, to getting questioned again if she was sure? That hadn't made her feel good at all, and also made her defensive, admittedly. At least she knew then that she may have looked a lot like her mother but her incapabilities with words, impulsiveness and defence mechanism definitely came from her father.
She had left the house after what turned out to be a good around of argument. She was upset and disappointed, but at the same time so relieved. She had felt so free. There's nothing to hide anymore.
The soft clutter of utensils being put down made her look up to see her mother heave a sigh before turning to glare at her father.
"Okay, we can't eat like this, so let's talk it out now," she says, nudging her father's arm lightly and tilting her head towards Taeyeon. "Say it."
Clearing his throat, her father slowly put down his own utensils and meets Taeyeon's eyes for the first time that evening. His eyes are still as firm as she always remembers them to be, but it softens, albeit just a little, when he starts to speak.
"Look, Taetae, I didn't mean to question your life decisions. You're what, 23? I'm sure you've thought about it a lot beforehand too," he says, and Taeyeon feels her heart warm with the use of her childhood nickname. She hasn't heard it in a while.
She looks down, nodding to show him that she's still listening, and continues to play with her food. She doesn't know what to expect but it seems like he had a lot to say so she decides maybe they can talk a little more calmly this time.
"He was -- we were just, surprised. That's all," her mother continues instead when her father didn't say anything else. "I'm sorry that we reacted so badly, and we've talked about it. We just-- we'd like to understand. Is that okay, baby?"
She smiles a little at the term and looks up to see her mother smiling warmly at her as well. Her heart swells at the sincerity in their eyes. They're definitely much calmer now to talk it out.
"Does that mean you're okay with me like this?" Taeyeon asks, finally putting her fork and spoon down. She pushes her plate away slightly to fold her arms on the table, leaning forward comfortably to meet both of their gazes.
"Well," her father started, glancing briefly at her mother who gave a nod and another smile, before turning back to Taeyeon and continuing, "You're our only daughter so you're definitely not disowned if that's what you're asking."
Her mother sighs again, rolling her eyes, and that made Taeyeon smile. "What your dad means is that we still love you very much and it'd take time to get used to but we'll learn to accept this, of course."
Her father shrugs, and leans back in his seat. "Yeah, what she said."
Taeyeon can't help but giggle when he grins cheekily while her mother shakes her head at him.
She shrugs as well, "Good enough for me, I guess."
A moment of silence passes and Taeyeon notices the lack of tension in it this time as she watches her parents exchange another look.
"So, how long have you known? That you'd like..well, that you could like girls that way?" her mother asks, making her father flinch slightly at the bluntness of her question.
She thinks it over before replying, "For a long while, but I really started to question it when I met Tiffany, to be honest. It never really bothered me until I met her because I've never really felt that way, that strongly, before and everything changed from then on."
She must have been smiling because her mother smiles back. "Tiffany's your girlfriend, right?"
Taeyeon nods, feeling her smile grow wider.
"How long have you known her?" It's her father asking this time. He didn't sound as skeptical as he did the last time, but just genuinely curious.
"Um, almost 2 years?" It's an estimation on her part but it still definitely catches herself off guard. They've come so far. She feels her smile permanently etching itself on her face at the thought. "We've been in a relationship more or less a year and 6 months though."
Her father starts to smile as well. "You must really love her."
"Yeah, I do," she replies, without missing a beat. "She's lovely, you'd love her too if you met her."
Her mother chuckles, seemingly relaxing in her seat. "Okay then, bring her over some time," she says, as her father nods in agreement. "We'd like to meet her."
That certainly wipes the smile off her face. It escalated too quickly. "Uh, I'm sorry, what?"
It's her father's turn to laugh this time. "Bring your girlfriend over. I think we'd understand a lot faster if we met her in person."
She gapes at the both of them, wondering if they're joking. But when her mother announces they should finish their dinner before it gets too cold, she realises they had meant it.
Not only does she have tell Tiffany that she came out to her parents and they know of her existence, but now she has to invite her over to meet them too.
As she watches her parents continue eating and switching topics about their day, she feels pure joy rushing through every vein in her body.
It's all falling into place. Everything's going to be just fine.
--
She hums softly, staring up at the girl who has her heart.
Taeyeon has never been good with words. To make up for the lack of it, she often tries to show how she feels instead. Actions speak louder than words, they say. She hopes 'they’ are right, because it's the best she can do.
It's a quiet lazy afternoon at Tiffany's place. She's laying her head on Tiffany's lap as the latter has one hand occupied with a book, while the other gently cradles the side of Taeyeon's head. Occasionally Tiffany runs a thumb gently over the shell of her ear, occasionally she runs her fingers through her hair, occasionally she glances down to her and gives her a warm smile, and every single time, Taeyeon couldn’t feel more loved as she continues to look at her. She sometimes convinces herself that she can’t possibly fall any more in love with her, and most of those times, Tiffany seems to have a knack of proving her wrong.
She finds it unfair that Tiffany has the advantage of words and the actions, but once again, she selfishly hoped that with what little she has, she's enough for Tiffany.
Selfish. She's been selfish with the most giving girl she's ever met and with everything that she lacks, she wonders what Tiffany sees in her. Given, Tiffany isn't perfect. Taeyeon might be hopelessly in love with her, but she isn't blinded by it.
Tiffany has a bad habit of overthinking, she gets jealous easily and has a bit of a temper whenever the right buttons are pushed. She's messy and strong headed. More often than not, Taeyeon thinks that Tiffany might be too attractive for her own good, but she can't help to see beyond that. She can't help but notice how beyond the perfect look, and imperfect flaws, that Tiffany is most beautiful in her eyes because she has the loveliest, most gentle, heart and yet, the girl has decided it's best to give something that precious wholly to her.
She's just not sure why Tiffany has chosen her, when she can have anyone she chooses. Out of all the hearts in the world, she has chosen Taeyeon's to sing along with hers. She doesn’t question her, though, and she knows better than to doubt her about it. All she could do - all she wants - is to know she’s giving Tiffany as much as she feels she's been receiving, because Tiffany deserves nothing less than her whole heart, too.
“I love you, so much,” Taeyeon breathes out suddenly, catching herself off guard.
She watches as Tiffany tenses briefly before looking at her in surprise, but the slight upturn of the corner of her lips and the sparkle in her eyes doesn't go unnoticed. Taeyeon knows she doesn't give her the benefit of hearing it as often as she intended to. Tiffany eventually chuckles lightly, sliding her bookmark into the book and putting it aside.
“I know. Who wouldn't?” Tiffany counters playfully, her hand comfortingly running through Taeyeon's hair again. “But thank you, it's nice to hear it.”
She takes the soothing hand and holds it against her chest, not wanting to play around. Tiffany seems to notice because her smile falters a little, looking concerned.
“Do you-,” Taeyeon pauses. This is a good time to talk to her about it, but she isn’t sure how she should bring it up. “Do you want to meet my parents?”
“Excuse me?” Tiffany looks at her so incredously that Taeyeon smiles a little.
She sits up, her hand not letting go of Tiffany’s - just in case the girl starts to freak out. Running her thumb lightly against the back of Tiffany's hand, she looks down to their joined hands and couldn't help but love how Tiffany's hands seems to fit perfectly with hers. She knows that the girl's waiting for her to continue but she takes a little time to put her thoughts together as she plays with her hand.
“A few months ago, I told my parents about us," she says simply. It’s better to just cut to the chase, she figures. “And they’ve been asking me to bring you over, for the past week.”
“Wait. They’ve known for a few months?” Tiffany frowns, looking displeased. “Why didn't you tell me?”
“I just wanted to know for sure how they felt about it first before telling you,” she explains, hoping that she hasn't offended her by keeping it from her. "It was just something I needed to figure out myself first."
Tiffany's still frowning, and Taeyeon couldn't help but laugh a little. She looks really cute like that, with her eyebrows furrowed, slightly slumped shoulders and lips pouting. The only thing that worries her is how Tiffany stays unmoving and tensed, seemingly having an internal struggle with herself.
She must have surprised her for bringing up something this big suddenly. “It’s okay if you’re not ready yet, you kn--”
“Okay,” Tiffany interrupts, a smile gradually replaces her frown.
Taeyeon's a little confused by the answer. What does that mean? “Okay?”
“Yeah, I'd love to meet them.” The small smile turns a little nervous. “They’ll- be okay with me, right?”
She grins. “Of course. They'll love you.” Who wouldn’t?
Tiffany nods mindlessly and visibly relaxes. She huffs, glaring at Taeyeon in fake annoyance. “I'm still mad at you for not telling me about it though, and you're so gonna meet mine soon, too.”
“Sorry, I had some things to figure out and sure, I'd love to meet them,” she replies, laughing when Tiffany intensifies her glare. She softens her smile, looking at the girl she hadn't expected would mean the whole world to her. She kisses the back of Tiffany's hand, bringing it to rest on her lap and holding it between both of her own. “I'll even go to tell them with you, if you want.”
Tiffany smiles warmly at that, and Taeyeon could feel the happiness and fondness radiating off her as Tiffany scoots closer to her. “I'll think about it.”
Taeyeon knows how much they've changed and glad that it’s for the better. She knows how they had somehow managed to adjust and mold into each other's heart. Maybe that's how love could work, she figures. Maybe it's not always about finding the missing piece; maybe sometimes, it's about finding someone who would eventually grow to fit snugly into that empty, vacant spot.
They've come so far together, and Taeyeon still feels sorry for all the things that Tiffany had to go through but she knows she has more than enough time to make up for it. She finds unexplainable comfort in knowing that they still have a long way to go, with no end in mind. Their story's only barely starting.
Taeyeon might not have the right words, but she'll make sure that Tiffany will always have every inch of her heart for as long as she wants it.
She chuckles under her breath when Tiffany grabs her head playfully, pulling it towards her and kisses her cheek.
For a while now, she feels that Tiffany will always be the one who could pick on her heartstrings and make her heart sing, so she is determined she'll hold on to them for as long as she can.
********
:) ASKFM.