Journal #3
It's Saturday afternoon here and I'm sitting in my "Home Office" a space I can call my own. I have my desk and laptop, printer, filing system, and some desk drawers which contain some loose pens and other stationery. My daughter knows to ask if she wants to enter because in the past I have had pens, paper etc going missing and when you are constantly refilling these items it can become quite expensive.
Firstly I just want to point out that if I don't get a chance to comment on everyone's entries I try to make a conscious effort of reading them. Still getting used to LJ and all its features. Today's first point of attack was adding a Last.fm widget to my Account but have no idea what I'm doing so gave up on that one. I also want to join some other communities as well at some stage. Suggestions are absolutely welcome.
My dreams last night really startled me. I had a couple but one in particular had a figure with a likeness to "Leather-face" in Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I was going through what I call an obstacle course of stairs and ledges to get away from the creature. I woke very tired and startled around 4am but didn't want to go straight back to sleep in case I dreamed of that again. It scared the crap out of me. I try not to take too much from dreams as it could be nothing, but I feel like I'm trying to get away from how I'm feeling right now and maybe that was the connection I don't know.
As I said in an earlier post I have had several issues with family members including an uncle on my mum's side who is what I like to call "a loose cannon". I lost my nana back in April this year she was the first person I was close to that had passed. Unfortunately my anxiety had got in the way of me going to see her as it involved traveling in car for around 5 hours and I had not been able to do it until her funeral this year. Irony is a not so funny thing. Before she had passed she had asked my aunt that if anything was to happen to her that she didn't want anyone other than my aunt to pack her hospital bag. I was in full support of this because I know how funny I am even going through the supermarket checkout and the cashier asks to check my handbag. It's a privacy thing and our right as human beings. So after my nan had passed my uncle's girlfriend of only about 12 months was with my nan and packed her things without even asking any of my mum's family including my aunty what was to be done with the bag. Now I just want to add that I have not met this woman properly and if it was someone who had been in the family for years then so be it not an issue but this woman has not even tried to get on with the rest of the family and could not see an issue with what she did. My aunt confronted her and explained in a calm and tactful manner that she should have been the one to pack nan's bag not her. That was fair enough and not even the thing that has upset me. The funeral was scheduled for the Tuesday and due to work commitments I had to travel up on the Sunday afternoon with my dad and 12 year old daughter. My mum of course had taken the news of Nan passing really hard understandably so she had gone up a few days before us to be with my pa, my aunt and to assist with funeral arrangements which mum had said went really smoothly which surprised the hell out of me considering that my 2 x explosive uncles had also pitched in to help without fuss. Anyway so on the Monday after arriving I had traveled into town with my mum, dad, aunt and daughter to complete last minute funeral details and I had to decided to go with my mum to my Nana's viewing in the afternoon at 16:00pm. So we are on the way in the car and my uncle calls my aunt on her mobile phone and is asking (in his words) "what the fuck going on with? (his partner who I will name "Hooch"). My aunt was razzled by the phone call and stumbling her words explained her situation that she didn't appreciate "Hooch" packing up Nan's things as she wanted my aunt to do it. My uncle replied that he didn't appreciate his "Hooch" being spoken to like that and my aunt responded that she thought it was best to speak to her about how she was feeling rather than making a big thing about it and talking behind "Hooch's" back. Well unfortunately my uncle in calling had made a mountain out of a mole hill not my aunt. Emotions were already high due to the afternoons schedule of Nan's viewing and impending funeral and to rub salt into the wound, my uncle then asked my aunt to hand the phone to my mum and he then began demanding an explanation of what was going on from mum. My mum had no intention of getting involved; however did her best to keep the situation calm to no avail. My uncle is a walking time bomb he has always been like that but I certainly did not take kindly to the attack on either my mum nor aunt. Before my mum hung up I had asked for the phone, but mum and aunt both agreed to let it go. I did so but was so angry with him. When we arrived at our first destination in town my aunt got out of the car and immediately fell in my mums arms crying. I felt so hopeless for my aunt and angry at my uncle. Mum told me that the afternoon I was traveling up, my mum, aunt and my explosive uncle had gone to the local town hall where my Nan's funeral was to be held to set up. "Hooch" had also gone with my uncle; however when my mum had gestured and asked for "Hooch" to come along to help set up. Hooch replied no I'm not family I don't want to interfere. Mum explained that she wouldn't be but left it at that. The day of the funeral came and my "explosive" uncle was aggressive towards my mum, dad, aunt and pretty much everyone. He didn't even come up to chat to any of us and the "Hooch" just death stared everyone. They left the wake and didn't even come back to my grandfather's to spend time with his grieving father nor family. I was not impressed. We were also told that at the funeral "Hooch" had gone to hug my aunt and whispered in her ear "I have nothing to be sorry for". Unacceptable especially at my Nana's funeral.
Fast forward a week to that weekend when I was back home I went to my mum's to watch the dvd that my "loving and normal" uncle had done for the funeral with pics of Nan and music etc. I was scrolling Facebook at the time and saw a post my uncle had been tagged in from one of my distant cousins who I have no time for. I am not friends with my cousin; however I was able to see the post as I was FB friends with my uncle at the time. The "Hooch" was also tagged but I wasn't friends with her either at the time. Anyway the post went something like - "Big thank you to my amazing Uncle "Rod" and aunt "Hooch" for letting me stay with you the night of Nana's funeral" blah blah blah. At that exact moment I was fueled with rage and started typing "Hooch isn't my aunt nor is she a member of the family". I had no idea of what the consequences would be I didn't even care I felt so good typing it and making my feelings known. Right or Wrong it was done and I couldn't take it back. I immediately told mum what I had written and she responded well it's a public forum and if someone is going to post something you can voice your opinion. Within about half an hour my uncle had called my mum demanding what one of my uncles and aunt had been saying. I was like what? I thought he had rung to talk about the FB post as I was sure he would see it as he was tagged in it. But no not a mention just having a go at my mum AGAIN!! She had nothing to do with it but didn't stop him. My mum was getting quite flustered and her voice was shaking like she was about to lose it so I immediately stepped in and grabbed the phone. I said "Rod" what's going on?" He replied nothing. Emotions had taken over by this point and nothing was stopping me. I raised my voice "You and "Hooch" are making all of this about you. I don't want you to call my mum anymore about this I'm sick of it. If you do call my mum again I will go yah. You hear that I will go yah!!" I couldn't even believe what I saying. Anger and emotion had got the better of me but I was protecting my mum, what I thought was right at the time. My uncle then yelled down the phone before hanging up "STFU you disrespectful little bitch!" I was speechless. He was entitled to his opinion maybe I was disrespectful; however I was incapable of respecting someone like him. Especially someone who enabled his partner to be evil and spiteful. I have not apologized to this day nor have I had a discussion with my uncle regarding this even though we have been in the same room on one occasion. I don't want to and he has not apologised either so I just figured that we would move on. A few days after his daughter my cousin messaged me on FB declaring that she understands fully that I'm probably taking Nana's death hard but she thought to tell me that my FB comment about "Hooch" was inappropriate and immature and that I should apologize. I replied that I am no longer entering into any further comments regarding this and left it at that. Since then I have had one uncle support me, the other says he is disgusted with my uncle "Rod" for how he has been acting but still talks to him and keeps in touch. I feel that some of my family have the wrong idea about me and the situation. They say one thing then do another. It has gotten to the point that if I see a particular post on FB from family members that it's directed at me. They talk on each other's posts and tag one another and I'm left doing nothing other than thinking constantly. I have had no choice than to unfollow a few family's timelines just so it doesn't do my head in.
I know what I did probably wasn't ideal, but I have this tiger instinct in me to protect my parents especially my mother when I feel they are being attacked. I shouldn't take it personally but I do. I'm trying my hardest to change my ways but I still feel like some of the family members think I'm the worst human being in the world. It's hard not to think about it because it feels like it's there niggling at my brain.
And then my uncle "Rod" called my pa last week to tell him that "Hooch" has had a stroke. My aunt called my mum to tell her. Mum said that she finds it hard to believe my uncle and "Hooch" because it may be a way of trying to either make us feel bad or try to get sympathy. I can't bring myself to feel either I am just so over it all at the moment.
I have made the decision to step back from FB and certain family members for a while, tired of feeling like a criminal when there are two sides to this story but no just blame me. My family are the types of people that have done wrong in their past and we are all supposed to forget about it and move on. It's just so annoying. How do I move on from this? Or even try to not let it get to me?
Time will tell I guess.
Until next time... Much love,
HummingBird x
Firstly I just want to point out that if I don't get a chance to comment on everyone's entries I try to make a conscious effort of reading them. Still getting used to LJ and all its features. Today's first point of attack was adding a Last.fm widget to my Account but have no idea what I'm doing so gave up on that one. I also want to join some other communities as well at some stage. Suggestions are absolutely welcome.
My dreams last night really startled me. I had a couple but one in particular had a figure with a likeness to "Leather-face" in Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I was going through what I call an obstacle course of stairs and ledges to get away from the creature. I woke very tired and startled around 4am but didn't want to go straight back to sleep in case I dreamed of that again. It scared the crap out of me. I try not to take too much from dreams as it could be nothing, but I feel like I'm trying to get away from how I'm feeling right now and maybe that was the connection I don't know.
As I said in an earlier post I have had several issues with family members including an uncle on my mum's side who is what I like to call "a loose cannon". I lost my nana back in April this year she was the first person I was close to that had passed. Unfortunately my anxiety had got in the way of me going to see her as it involved traveling in car for around 5 hours and I had not been able to do it until her funeral this year. Irony is a not so funny thing. Before she had passed she had asked my aunt that if anything was to happen to her that she didn't want anyone other than my aunt to pack her hospital bag. I was in full support of this because I know how funny I am even going through the supermarket checkout and the cashier asks to check my handbag. It's a privacy thing and our right as human beings. So after my nan had passed my uncle's girlfriend of only about 12 months was with my nan and packed her things without even asking any of my mum's family including my aunty what was to be done with the bag. Now I just want to add that I have not met this woman properly and if it was someone who had been in the family for years then so be it not an issue but this woman has not even tried to get on with the rest of the family and could not see an issue with what she did. My aunt confronted her and explained in a calm and tactful manner that she should have been the one to pack nan's bag not her. That was fair enough and not even the thing that has upset me. The funeral was scheduled for the Tuesday and due to work commitments I had to travel up on the Sunday afternoon with my dad and 12 year old daughter. My mum of course had taken the news of Nan passing really hard understandably so she had gone up a few days before us to be with my pa, my aunt and to assist with funeral arrangements which mum had said went really smoothly which surprised the hell out of me considering that my 2 x explosive uncles had also pitched in to help without fuss. Anyway so on the Monday after arriving I had traveled into town with my mum, dad, aunt and daughter to complete last minute funeral details and I had to decided to go with my mum to my Nana's viewing in the afternoon at 16:00pm. So we are on the way in the car and my uncle calls my aunt on her mobile phone and is asking (in his words) "what the fuck going on with? (his partner who I will name "Hooch"). My aunt was razzled by the phone call and stumbling her words explained her situation that she didn't appreciate "Hooch" packing up Nan's things as she wanted my aunt to do it. My uncle replied that he didn't appreciate his "Hooch" being spoken to like that and my aunt responded that she thought it was best to speak to her about how she was feeling rather than making a big thing about it and talking behind "Hooch's" back. Well unfortunately my uncle in calling had made a mountain out of a mole hill not my aunt. Emotions were already high due to the afternoons schedule of Nan's viewing and impending funeral and to rub salt into the wound, my uncle then asked my aunt to hand the phone to my mum and he then began demanding an explanation of what was going on from mum. My mum had no intention of getting involved; however did her best to keep the situation calm to no avail. My uncle is a walking time bomb he has always been like that but I certainly did not take kindly to the attack on either my mum nor aunt. Before my mum hung up I had asked for the phone, but mum and aunt both agreed to let it go. I did so but was so angry with him. When we arrived at our first destination in town my aunt got out of the car and immediately fell in my mums arms crying. I felt so hopeless for my aunt and angry at my uncle. Mum told me that the afternoon I was traveling up, my mum, aunt and my explosive uncle had gone to the local town hall where my Nan's funeral was to be held to set up. "Hooch" had also gone with my uncle; however when my mum had gestured and asked for "Hooch" to come along to help set up. Hooch replied no I'm not family I don't want to interfere. Mum explained that she wouldn't be but left it at that. The day of the funeral came and my "explosive" uncle was aggressive towards my mum, dad, aunt and pretty much everyone. He didn't even come up to chat to any of us and the "Hooch" just death stared everyone. They left the wake and didn't even come back to my grandfather's to spend time with his grieving father nor family. I was not impressed. We were also told that at the funeral "Hooch" had gone to hug my aunt and whispered in her ear "I have nothing to be sorry for". Unacceptable especially at my Nana's funeral.
Fast forward a week to that weekend when I was back home I went to my mum's to watch the dvd that my "loving and normal" uncle had done for the funeral with pics of Nan and music etc. I was scrolling Facebook at the time and saw a post my uncle had been tagged in from one of my distant cousins who I have no time for. I am not friends with my cousin; however I was able to see the post as I was FB friends with my uncle at the time. The "Hooch" was also tagged but I wasn't friends with her either at the time. Anyway the post went something like - "Big thank you to my amazing Uncle "Rod" and aunt "Hooch" for letting me stay with you the night of Nana's funeral" blah blah blah. At that exact moment I was fueled with rage and started typing "Hooch isn't my aunt nor is she a member of the family". I had no idea of what the consequences would be I didn't even care I felt so good typing it and making my feelings known. Right or Wrong it was done and I couldn't take it back. I immediately told mum what I had written and she responded well it's a public forum and if someone is going to post something you can voice your opinion. Within about half an hour my uncle had called my mum demanding what one of my uncles and aunt had been saying. I was like what? I thought he had rung to talk about the FB post as I was sure he would see it as he was tagged in it. But no not a mention just having a go at my mum AGAIN!! She had nothing to do with it but didn't stop him. My mum was getting quite flustered and her voice was shaking like she was about to lose it so I immediately stepped in and grabbed the phone. I said "Rod" what's going on?" He replied nothing. Emotions had taken over by this point and nothing was stopping me. I raised my voice "You and "Hooch" are making all of this about you. I don't want you to call my mum anymore about this I'm sick of it. If you do call my mum again I will go yah. You hear that I will go yah!!" I couldn't even believe what I saying. Anger and emotion had got the better of me but I was protecting my mum, what I thought was right at the time. My uncle then yelled down the phone before hanging up "STFU you disrespectful little bitch!" I was speechless. He was entitled to his opinion maybe I was disrespectful; however I was incapable of respecting someone like him. Especially someone who enabled his partner to be evil and spiteful. I have not apologized to this day nor have I had a discussion with my uncle regarding this even though we have been in the same room on one occasion. I don't want to and he has not apologised either so I just figured that we would move on. A few days after his daughter my cousin messaged me on FB declaring that she understands fully that I'm probably taking Nana's death hard but she thought to tell me that my FB comment about "Hooch" was inappropriate and immature and that I should apologize. I replied that I am no longer entering into any further comments regarding this and left it at that. Since then I have had one uncle support me, the other says he is disgusted with my uncle "Rod" for how he has been acting but still talks to him and keeps in touch. I feel that some of my family have the wrong idea about me and the situation. They say one thing then do another. It has gotten to the point that if I see a particular post on FB from family members that it's directed at me. They talk on each other's posts and tag one another and I'm left doing nothing other than thinking constantly. I have had no choice than to unfollow a few family's timelines just so it doesn't do my head in.
I know what I did probably wasn't ideal, but I have this tiger instinct in me to protect my parents especially my mother when I feel they are being attacked. I shouldn't take it personally but I do. I'm trying my hardest to change my ways but I still feel like some of the family members think I'm the worst human being in the world. It's hard not to think about it because it feels like it's there niggling at my brain.
And then my uncle "Rod" called my pa last week to tell him that "Hooch" has had a stroke. My aunt called my mum to tell her. Mum said that she finds it hard to believe my uncle and "Hooch" because it may be a way of trying to either make us feel bad or try to get sympathy. I can't bring myself to feel either I am just so over it all at the moment.
I have made the decision to step back from FB and certain family members for a while, tired of feeling like a criminal when there are two sides to this story but no just blame me. My family are the types of people that have done wrong in their past and we are all supposed to forget about it and move on. It's just so annoying. How do I move on from this? Or even try to not let it get to me?
Time will tell I guess.
Until next time... Much love,
HummingBird x