To a beginning.
I have surrounded myself with information that is beyond my individual existence.
(This has cornered me into hopelessness as an unintended consequence.)
Learning about things that are easier to ignore than they are to accept has entirely changed my way of thinking.
I have become a cynic: A human being reveling in rage because she thinks that life is pointless and fleeting.
A human being that wants to be part of change, forgetting that the need for change is not yet wanted on a massive scale.
I have been dreaming, hoping that someone along the way will have the answers I need, even though I don't remember what my questions are.
I've been wanting a change but I've been absolutely lazy about it.
I've blamed the government and the angry lullabies of my childhood and I haven't taken responsibility for how I feel.
But today, it dawned on me; this is familiar territory.
I have danced with depression most of my life, but it always catches me by surprise somehow.
Maybe I want to believe that I have conquered it for good, maybe I'm just over it.
Either way, I have managed to trick myself into hating life without remembering that my hatred will only be temporary.
Until the Spring returns. Or my hormones find balance. Or when I pull myself away from sobriety.
A couple of days ago, I realized that I've been pretending that nothing is different when, in fact, everything is.
I haven't left the confines of this house for any other purpose than to enter the confines of work.
I can't remember the last time I went walking just to enjoy the day.
I blame the weather but truth be told, the weather doesn't suck this year. (not yet)
I've realized that I've been existing on autopilot, not being present in my life, voicing disdain for the narcissistic tendencies of the culture I've tried to resist, forgetting that a healthy amount of self-disclosure is a good thing.
I've deemed social media sites as necessary for the dissatisfied, so they can have a venue in which to
make-believe a better life.
Today I am thinking along different lines.
I'm considering the many thoughts running incessantly through our minds, searching for a way to be expressed.
With life consumed with budgets and deadlines (between sleep, work, and the reasons why we work) life is too busy to stop and listen.
And so I'm here.
There is every possibility that this is the only entry about this I ever post, but I know that this is also an opportunity for me to overcome my depression productively.
My intention for returning to this journal is to find sanity in expression while having something to reference to as I track my depression the way I do my period; I want to find possible remedies for my unfavorable thinking.
Because it gets really bad and it's hard to balance really bad with happy living.
So, to a beginning.