wow, this is long overdue
i dont know why i stopped posting in here. But id rather type something here than on myspace or facebook where a lot of close friends could read it. I'm trying to change a lot of things in regards to them.
i'm not the same person they met at the end of high school and ive spent 2006 blatantly trying not to be. i rebeled against my good image and reputation for some reason, i dont know. i didnt want the responsibility. i didnt want to be on a pedastool. for some reason, i wanted to be on this lowly level with everyone else, completely unsure and selfish and stuck on quick fixes. so not me.
ive had these conversations lately that i hate having. and even after they are done, im not even sure if i am glad we talked about certain things. well, i dont do much of the talking because its uncomfortable. its really starting to get to me that hes the only one bringing these topics up, over and over again. hes the only once acting concerned and presenting to me a person who actually thinks about what might happen to me in time. but why is that?
i really wish my sister could just take a step outside herself right now. i know she has so much going on with the wedding and everything that happened to joe. shes handling everything very well considering what a delicate thread her entire life rests on right now. one wrong move and it could snap.
but she has never asked me if things were better. if i made improvement, if i felt ok. if i needed anything. not since that conversation in june. that just isnt right. im sorry but there should have been multiple phone calls and check ups. i cant forget about that.
then ive got him in my face every week bringing up the subject and i cant believe its him saying that hes the only one whos going to say these things. because its true.
that isnt a safe place to get close to. that isnt a reliable shoulder to lean on. i dont trust myself anymore about that.
so how much of a secret do i need to make to prevent any more damage? which is an ironic statement. a secret in itself creates damage but at least secrets are private and they only hurt yourself. so if you are a strong willing and independent person, any amount of pain or grief is do-able and live-ble. no one needs to see. and no one needs to know.
but i cant lie when he looks me in the face and if i dont say anything, he immediately knows its because i dont want to lie. so i have to pray that he gives it up. backs off. gets transfixed on some other stupid shit in life or some other chick who actually wants to cry about her problems and asks him to be the knight in shining armor. because i never was that girl. i dont trust a lot of people, especially those who feel the need to wear shiny armor.
ill be my own savior. ill keep my issues private because you dont get to know them. you dont get to see everything it is that has happened. you are not that guy.
we've lied so much this year. one lie after another. a lie to cover up a lie, then a lie to lie about the lying cover up. its so exhausting. just take your finger out of my mess and leave it alone.
i really cant wait for 2007. 2006 sucked. a want and need another new year to get things right.