We're strictly on a pass or fail basis here.
My school demanded, demanded, that I get an eye exam and needless to say I was overjoyed. I love few things more than I love going to the eye doctor. I don't know why. I can't explain it. It's just fun to me. I love the big goofy looking machines they make you stick your face into. I love the stupid, "Which is better one or two?" game we play. And I love picking out frames for glasses I will never ever wear.
The last time I was at the eye doctor was the begining of my freshmen year of highschool. Doc says I have eyes that focus poorly on close up objects and I get glasses that I'm supposed to wear while reading to "prevent furthur damage". I never once in my entire high school career wore those glasses. As a matter of fact the only time those glasses ever left their case was when I used them as part of a still life in freshmen art. So while I adore the eye doctor and was very excited about going back I was secretly dreading whatever damage I did to my eyes by pretending I didn't own glasses.
Well I went to the doctor and before we got to any of the fun stuff they gave me a stack of papers to fill out which I promtly passed to Ma as well I know very little of my own medical history. She's filling out the papers and every now and again I'm sneaking peaks at the paper work. When she gets to a section that has a list of the following:
*High blood pressure
*Thyroid problems
*Morbid obesity
*Cancer
and about a hundred other very unpleasant things. I noticed that Ma had put check marks by a few. This grabs my attention and I exclaim rather loudly,
"Why didn't you tell me I had cancer!?"
Okay yes, a stupid inappropriate response, it was early in the morning and I was tired and not thinking my clearest. Ma irritated, pointed to the column which she had checked "relative". Oh.
Anyway when all that bullshit was done it was time for the infamous glacoma test. Which is the one eye test I genuinely do not like. FYI that's the test where they blow freezing cold air into your very open eye. Yeah not a fan. I just wish they would do both eyes at once. Because after they puff freezing cold air into my right eye, my left eye suddenly has a mind of it's own and can not stop blinking as if to say,
"Fuck you bitch! You weren't watching Righty's back!"
The glacoma test which should take only a minute ends up taking seven because everytime they're ready to get my left eye I unconciously back up to the point where the test is no longer relevant. Well after seven long minutes of retched anticipation we finish the test and wow big surprise, an eighteen year old who doesn't have glacoma. Wow, who knew?
Then we move onto all the fun stuff. The "cover your left eye and read the bottom line stuff" Oh and it's so much fun. We're at this and I'm reading the bottom line no sweat. Then we move onto the "which is better?". Now as much as I love this game it sort of always stresses me out. I'm afraid I'm going to answer wrong and fail and get some horrible perscription that I don't need. But I just answer best I can. Well we finish the exam and my doctor says exactly this,
"Well, your focusing system is not the most efficient."
What am I supposed to say to that? I'll fire them and hire a new system? Ah well, she write me up a prescription for glasses that I will never wear and I go and pick out some really killer frames. All in all an average trip to the eye doctor.
Angela and I were both slightly heartbroken to hear that they would be tearing down the Plainfield Truck Stop to put in what they're calling, "small upscale stores". I always like the truck stop. Glenn and I went there a few times. They've got good waffles. Angela wondered out loud what "small upscale stores" entail. I responded,
"That's where we go and can't afford shit we don't need."
I wonder where all the truckers are going to go...Ha, maybe they'll just hang out at the "small upscale stores" and spend forty-dollars on a three cents worth of fabric hankerchief. Excuse me, I mean "pocket square". Fuck! What if all the truckers have to go to fucking IHOP now because they can't get their waffles anywhere else? What is the world coming to!? "Small upscale stores" as if this were a "small upscale neighborhood". Bullshit. Damn I'm pissed.
I think I've reached a new low in laziness but I can't be sure exactly because the path I took to avoid doing something was actually more extensive and complicated than actually completing the action. Wait, what? Okay let me explain what happened. The light bulb in my room burned out and I was feeling particularly lazy and did not want to take the effort to get up on a chair and replace this bulb. But I had an issue. I was incredibly cloose to finishing a book and I was really, really into it. Obviously I couldn't read with no light in my room, what with my focusing issues and all. So I hopped in my car and drove to Barnes & Noble where I plucked the book off the shelf and finished reading it in one of those overstuffed Barnes & Noble chairs. What? The B&N had the book I was reading, they had a comfy spot to read, they had AC, and best of all they had light bulbs. I called it an interesting solution to a frustrating problem. I told this story to Angela and asked if she thought I was lazy. She said this story didn't exemplify laziness but rather showed how "fucking crazy" I could be. Whatever, I finished my book. All that counts.
So, I leave on September 2nd and only have two boxes packed. However I don't think one of them counts because the only thing in it is towels...I better get back to packing...
Intellectual,
MFB
P.S. I was standing at the corner of "Westerns" and "Poetry" at the book store when I noticed something odd. All the books about diseases are located right next to the cook books. This could be a very handy way to diminish obesity.