The Moses Job.
Whoa! Grab a shot of malt liquor kiddies and slam it back! This one's got work! No kidding, honest to goodness a legit job. A sweet gig that pays somewhere in the ball park of oh, say, twenty-five bucks an hour. What's she doing? Well slam back that shot and I'll tell you...did you slam it? Swallow? Good, okay, here we go, I'm working for a church! Yeah, me, athiest of the year! Uh, do you need another shot? Me too.
Now, now, slow down here! I'm certainly not being hypocritical or anything so don't go getting your panties in a bunch. I didn't apply for this job and I can assure you it has plenty of blasphemous undertones. So, chill. Allow me to tell you about how I got into this interesting position. I was upstairs painting in Dylan's room doing some fine lettering work when my ghetto doorbell rings startling me enough to jump and in turn drag my arm upwards completely ruining my fine lettering. Beyond irritated I run downstairs and open the door ready to verbally castrate who ever is responsible for the aforementioned door bell ringing. Before I can open my mouth however my neighbor Heidi (Danny's ma) greets me with an enuthusiastic,
"Just the girl I needed to see!"
Slightly concerned over here. I wonder if maybe she's pissed at me for the "Penis War" Danny and I have waged on each other. That is we sneak over to each other's houses in the dead of night and draw (what is the plural of "penis" peni?) peni in the dirt on each other's cars. I'm about to open my mouth to plead my case (that is that Danny initiated the war) but once again before I can get a syllable out--
"I've got work for you!"
Work for me? Sweet merciful Tom Cruise! Work equal money. Money equals food. Money also equals fish food which I'm sure fills Thome the hungry beta fish with glee.
"Work? A painting job? (she nods) Rockin' what am I doing?"
"Follow me!"
"D'okay"
We walk for a bit and she begins to tell me the entire situation. Apparently a few years back she had hired an artist to paint a mural in a sunday school class of Moses parting the Red Sea. Well after the artist had painted the Red Sea he departed leaving behind him, no Moses. My job was to paint Moses, a crowd of people behind him, and of course a pretty skyline and all that back ground jazz. After this little tale we stop walking. We've arrived at a church. She pulls out keys and just lets herself in like she owns the place. Yeah this chick has keys! God gave her keys to his pad. Must be serious.
Well we waltz in and she shows me the Red Sea, which is actually painted very well. The water's got great depth and dimention. It's really top notch art. But I've got to laugh because there's a drawing of Moses taped to the wall where he should be painted on. It amused me greatly. I'm thinking in my head about how I'm gonna pull this off and Heidi is giving me insight as well. I'm getting ideas now (and I'm getting an incredibly warm and fuzzy feeling about taking money from a church). Then suddenly something brilliant smacks me upside my head.
In the crowd of excaping Hebrews behind Moses I'm just going to put in people that I know. And celebrities. You know. So, behind Moses we'll have, Zoe, Angela, Dave, Ed, Konerko, Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Patrick, Glenn, Seth MacFarlane, and of course we should have one Jewish guy in there....Jerry Seinfeld. That's a good crowd of escaping Hebrew slaves right there. I'd hang with those Hebrews. Oh also, I plan to model my Moses after Chuck Norris because hey, they kinda look alike. I just love how I'm going to do this beautiful, quality art (I don't do crappy jobs for clients who pay me good money, that's just rude) for this church but I'll still be getting my own brand of blasphemy in. So, it's not like I'm selling out.
All religion bashing aside, I'm really psyched for this job. It's the second biggest thing I've ever done (first biggest being the half pipe at Challenge park). And it's certainly the most well paying. Yep. This is gonna be the bestest Moses parting the Red Sea mural ever! Particularly at twenty-five bucks an hour.
Hey, hey, Hebrews, wanna see sumthin' cool? I'ma gonna part the red sea!
MFB
P.S. Hey you want in the Hebrew party behind Moses? Drop me a line I'd be happy to add yah.
Now, now, slow down here! I'm certainly not being hypocritical or anything so don't go getting your panties in a bunch. I didn't apply for this job and I can assure you it has plenty of blasphemous undertones. So, chill. Allow me to tell you about how I got into this interesting position. I was upstairs painting in Dylan's room doing some fine lettering work when my ghetto doorbell rings startling me enough to jump and in turn drag my arm upwards completely ruining my fine lettering. Beyond irritated I run downstairs and open the door ready to verbally castrate who ever is responsible for the aforementioned door bell ringing. Before I can open my mouth however my neighbor Heidi (Danny's ma) greets me with an enuthusiastic,
"Just the girl I needed to see!"
Slightly concerned over here. I wonder if maybe she's pissed at me for the "Penis War" Danny and I have waged on each other. That is we sneak over to each other's houses in the dead of night and draw (what is the plural of "penis" peni?) peni in the dirt on each other's cars. I'm about to open my mouth to plead my case (that is that Danny initiated the war) but once again before I can get a syllable out--
"I've got work for you!"
Work for me? Sweet merciful Tom Cruise! Work equal money. Money equals food. Money also equals fish food which I'm sure fills Thome the hungry beta fish with glee.
"Work? A painting job? (she nods) Rockin' what am I doing?"
"Follow me!"
"D'okay"
We walk for a bit and she begins to tell me the entire situation. Apparently a few years back she had hired an artist to paint a mural in a sunday school class of Moses parting the Red Sea. Well after the artist had painted the Red Sea he departed leaving behind him, no Moses. My job was to paint Moses, a crowd of people behind him, and of course a pretty skyline and all that back ground jazz. After this little tale we stop walking. We've arrived at a church. She pulls out keys and just lets herself in like she owns the place. Yeah this chick has keys! God gave her keys to his pad. Must be serious.
Well we waltz in and she shows me the Red Sea, which is actually painted very well. The water's got great depth and dimention. It's really top notch art. But I've got to laugh because there's a drawing of Moses taped to the wall where he should be painted on. It amused me greatly. I'm thinking in my head about how I'm gonna pull this off and Heidi is giving me insight as well. I'm getting ideas now (and I'm getting an incredibly warm and fuzzy feeling about taking money from a church). Then suddenly something brilliant smacks me upside my head.
In the crowd of excaping Hebrews behind Moses I'm just going to put in people that I know. And celebrities. You know. So, behind Moses we'll have, Zoe, Angela, Dave, Ed, Konerko, Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Patrick, Glenn, Seth MacFarlane, and of course we should have one Jewish guy in there....Jerry Seinfeld. That's a good crowd of escaping Hebrew slaves right there. I'd hang with those Hebrews. Oh also, I plan to model my Moses after Chuck Norris because hey, they kinda look alike. I just love how I'm going to do this beautiful, quality art (I don't do crappy jobs for clients who pay me good money, that's just rude) for this church but I'll still be getting my own brand of blasphemy in. So, it's not like I'm selling out.
All religion bashing aside, I'm really psyched for this job. It's the second biggest thing I've ever done (first biggest being the half pipe at Challenge park). And it's certainly the most well paying. Yep. This is gonna be the bestest Moses parting the Red Sea mural ever! Particularly at twenty-five bucks an hour.
Hey, hey, Hebrews, wanna see sumthin' cool? I'ma gonna part the red sea!
MFB
P.S. Hey you want in the Hebrew party behind Moses? Drop me a line I'd be happy to add yah.