Where do I go from here?
I am exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and yes, spiritually. There are days when I wonder how I got through them, days where I wake up in the morning and wonder if there will be enough hours in the day to get everything done. Yet somehow I keep surviving, keep living. And the more I'm dealing with this, the more I realize it's God that gets me through each day, not me. Because we all know that I sure as hell continually mess everything up. I'm trying so hard to do the best I can with everything I have going on in my life, and I feel as though the harder I try, the more people get upset with me. And hate me. Which makes me even more disappointed in myself, and hate who I am even more. Last night I was told that I'm always negative, too cynical, that I don't know how to have fun and relax, and that people don't like me or like spending time with me because of all these things. I feel so worthless. It's getting to the point where I'm really starting to hate who I am, because when I try to be me, people don't appreciate it and tell me I'm not being fun or whatever. All I can say is that I try to relax, I try not to let little things bother me as much. And I have a hard time with it. But it's something I've been working on. I constantly remind myself each day to not let the little things get to me, to stop and take a breath and not be stressed. But I'm nearly to my breaking point. I can't do this anymore. I can't continue trying to live my life the way it is. I'm happy being busy, but I'm too busy. I'm so burned out. I'm sick of crying all the time, and feeling like I'm always near tears, but that's how I deal with things like this. I cry my frustrations out. Which, yes, makes me feel better, but also makes me feel alone and lame and pathetic and worthless.
I try to be positive. I try to be there for people, and listen to them and their frustrations, and pray for them. But it gets really hard to see my own life in a positive manner when people don't give me any support or encouragement. When I talk about tour and complain about how much I have to do, it's not because I like complaining. It's because I'm trying to tell people I need help, and just ask them to listen. Instead, they get frustrated and think I'm just trying to make myself sound miserable and ask for pity. And I'm not.
And to complicate things even more, I'm really bothered by the fact that I don't know where I'm going in life, don't feel like I have any direction. Some days I can ignore it, and just enjoy what I'm doing, but it's usually there, lurking in the back of my mind. I think about what I'm learning in classes, from my various activities and jobs, and how that may help me in the future. I'm learning that there's more to classes than just memorizing information. I'm learning how to communicate, articulate my thoughts and reactions to readings and discussions, becoming more open and talking in class, forming my own opinions that may be different from others in my classes. I'm learning how to deal better with people, be patient when things aren't seeming to come together (especially with newspaper and tour), motivate people and encourage staying on task to get the job done. And most importantly, I'm learning that I have the ability to do many different things I'm asked to do, because I can teach myself how to do something, and learn on the job. I'm not afraid to admit that I don't remember how to do something, and ask someone else to show me again. I can catch on quickly, and I'm determined enough to see that the job gets done, even if it's stressful and I don't really enjoy it and I'd rather quit. And the fact that I don't let myself quit because I just want to give up is slightly encouraging.
I'm still struggling with comparing myself to others. I hate doing that, because I always wind up feeling lesser and incompetent. Even if it's not true. I need to focus more on my positive qualities and traits, even if everyone else can only focus on the negatives.
And if that's all they can see in me, then it's not only my fault, right? Sure, maybe I should try to work on things that would be beneficial. And I think that's where my decision comes in. It's time for me to talk to someone else about this. Someone who's not going to have their own agenda, and try to influence me as it is beneficial to them. Someone who's going to care about me, and try to help me deal with the stress and frustrations in my own life and make my life happier and better. This is something I should have done months ago, when I first started feeling this way. As hard as it is for me to admit, it's time for me to get professional counseling. Because I can't do this on my own. I need to feel as though someone else cares about me and supports me and wants what's best for me. [ETA: I know people do. But most of those people aren't here right now. And the people who are here right now aren't giving me that impression.]
I feel somewhat better. I know this isn't going to be easy. It hasn't been so far. Right now, I feel as though I've had way more setbacks than progress. I don't really feel as though I've made any progress. But when it comes down to it, I want to be the best person I can be, so that I can care about people and love them as they deserve to be. And this is a step in the right direction.
I try to be positive. I try to be there for people, and listen to them and their frustrations, and pray for them. But it gets really hard to see my own life in a positive manner when people don't give me any support or encouragement. When I talk about tour and complain about how much I have to do, it's not because I like complaining. It's because I'm trying to tell people I need help, and just ask them to listen. Instead, they get frustrated and think I'm just trying to make myself sound miserable and ask for pity. And I'm not.
And to complicate things even more, I'm really bothered by the fact that I don't know where I'm going in life, don't feel like I have any direction. Some days I can ignore it, and just enjoy what I'm doing, but it's usually there, lurking in the back of my mind. I think about what I'm learning in classes, from my various activities and jobs, and how that may help me in the future. I'm learning that there's more to classes than just memorizing information. I'm learning how to communicate, articulate my thoughts and reactions to readings and discussions, becoming more open and talking in class, forming my own opinions that may be different from others in my classes. I'm learning how to deal better with people, be patient when things aren't seeming to come together (especially with newspaper and tour), motivate people and encourage staying on task to get the job done. And most importantly, I'm learning that I have the ability to do many different things I'm asked to do, because I can teach myself how to do something, and learn on the job. I'm not afraid to admit that I don't remember how to do something, and ask someone else to show me again. I can catch on quickly, and I'm determined enough to see that the job gets done, even if it's stressful and I don't really enjoy it and I'd rather quit. And the fact that I don't let myself quit because I just want to give up is slightly encouraging.
I'm still struggling with comparing myself to others. I hate doing that, because I always wind up feeling lesser and incompetent. Even if it's not true. I need to focus more on my positive qualities and traits, even if everyone else can only focus on the negatives.
And if that's all they can see in me, then it's not only my fault, right? Sure, maybe I should try to work on things that would be beneficial. And I think that's where my decision comes in. It's time for me to talk to someone else about this. Someone who's not going to have their own agenda, and try to influence me as it is beneficial to them. Someone who's going to care about me, and try to help me deal with the stress and frustrations in my own life and make my life happier and better. This is something I should have done months ago, when I first started feeling this way. As hard as it is for me to admit, it's time for me to get professional counseling. Because I can't do this on my own. I need to feel as though someone else cares about me and supports me and wants what's best for me. [ETA: I know people do. But most of those people aren't here right now. And the people who are here right now aren't giving me that impression.]
I feel somewhat better. I know this isn't going to be easy. It hasn't been so far. Right now, I feel as though I've had way more setbacks than progress. I don't really feel as though I've made any progress. But when it comes down to it, I want to be the best person I can be, so that I can care about people and love them as they deserve to be. And this is a step in the right direction.