4th of July and then some
So its the 4th of July. Here in the US, its supposedly a big deal. I complained about not liking today on facebook and was bitched at for being "un patriotic" now...firstly... not liking a holiday, does not mean, i hate my country etc. I just hate today. I hate fireworks. I hate how people don't care that dogs hate fireworks and having delt with terrified dogs for years, I can tell you its not fun. They do not understand, all they know, is its super low and it terrifies them. I am as patriotic as I can be, I don't care 1 lick about politics. I vote but I really could care less in the end. I complain about things like illegal immagration as many fellow americans do. I felt "more at home" in England than I ever did here... but I still know, I am an american. So I'll be happy about it. I does not mean I have to love everything about it, I never downgrade or talk smack about the troops etc. Its like people who don't like christmas, I would not say, they are God haters. I get it, Christmas is commerialized and not everyone loves it. Most holidays lose their meaning. It just because about other things. A excuse to get off work. So, yes I hate the 4th, I always have. You will never get me to go see fireworks in person and you won't ever see me at some big barbeque. However... I do not hate America. So seriously, people need to chill the hell out. I have a right to dislike a holiday. I also hate thanksgiving... get on my case about it, I really don't care but when that day has never been anything to you "but another day", whats to love about it? On to other things.... its been 12 days since we had that amazing talk. Still the best ever. <3 thus far anyway. Granted I spoke to him for like 30 seconds or so on Sunday and we made alot of eye contact... and then I saw him mowing Monday when he walked past my window, kinda spooked me ha! I still am going a bit crazy. I hate this heat wave. I wish I had been able to talk to him before and ask if he had plans today. Not that I'd see fireworks with him but I'd do just about anything else. Now I guess I'll have to ask "What did you do on the 4th?" I am trying to get the courage to ask him "out" in a way. Not officially like, oh lets go on a date.... but just to ask him to do something with me. Maybe even for his birthday, even though, he says its just another day. I'd still happily spend time with him. I do not care what we do. I get so worried sometimes, like yesterday and this sounds stalkery I know but its not like I can help it really. I sleep with my window open in the summer, no curtain, I like waking up to natural light. So at night, since I know his room is the one across from mine, I always see his light on probably about 8 or 9. Last night, it was not on at all, and I went to bed at nearly midnight and still not. Now I can assume he might of been too hot and slept elsewhere, or he might of went to bed early, or just decided to watch tv in the dark, etc etc but of course my mind was, he is out with her, he lied to me. They are dating. Then I started to drive myself a bit nuts over it and nits not like I can ask him... well I saw your light was off.... that would scare him... so I'll never know but I gotta stop doing this to myself. I have to realize, he probably does like her and thats all I can do. I have to somehow try to accept he wont ever like me. Even as a great friend, to hang out with. I can't wrap my head around the why though. Thats what keeps me going. I talked to many people about this issue, mostly ones who I don't know. I went on site written by a man who a psychology degree and he seemed to know his stuff, and he blogged about how to tell if a guy likes you so I sent him my story, such a nice perosn, he has wrote me back both times. Anyway he said something to me that no one else has and when I thought about it, it made a shit load of sense but then I come back to his other part of the answer "so I am confused though why he hasn't asked you out yet. maybe he is shy and you need to give him a push" ok first...his thing that got me thinking "as a man, I can tell you, I don't randomly make chats with women I am not interested in, especially in the neighborhood, you said, he only talks to a couple... and you... why not your parents?"YES! Exactly...so sure he says my moms dog was jumping up to see him but could he not of just pet him? Why make a chat with me? Why only me.... he has made a good enough connection with me now to say "I'd like to talk to your parents " and he even met my mom super quick, but never asked her anything beyond her name. Yet... he continues to have longer and longer chats with me and he has allowed me to come by his home anytime. Which apparently makes his mom really happy. The thing is.... this couple he talks to and even the elderly couple who bakes for his mom sometime, never come to his home. They meet on mutal ground or int he other person driveway. They are also BOTH couples. I am single and he has to know that by now. Seeing as I never talk about guys and why tell me TWICE that you and your "lady friend" are just friends? If you were simply being a friendly neighbor... you would get to know my family, not just me, as they are the ones who live here and own the house. My dad has even walked the dog by his house and he was outside and said/did nothing. Why if you are just being neighborly... would you tell me personal stuff about your mom, I mean, even the day we met. he tells me the name of the place his grandma is at and her full name. Why? I am a stranger. Then you can play the game I always do... well maybe he just likes the dogs... sure he loves them. However, as this man also pointed out "the dogs are a common ground sure but its mostly a excuse to interact with you" and yes, that makes sense! See most people in the neighborhood I visit with my dogs, we talk maybe 5-10 min and they pet the dogs and give them treats and we go, some of them I only see every few months. This is the behavior I'd expect from someone who just liked the dogs. He will pet them fisrt but ALWAYS turns right to me, looks me in the eye and smiles and says, thanks for bringing them... and we sometimes talka bout them and he will interact with them but its not the biggest part of our chats. in fact, alot of time can go by where he is just talking and ignoring the dogs. I think about the fisrt 1 hr chat we had over the fence, now sure, my dogs where in the yard with me... 2 of them but it was me, he was talking to for a hour, he was not petting them or anything. It seems more than neighborly... my gut says, he likes me but my head tells me no. My heart... well, all I know is it wants to be with him. The thing is.. I am confused too as to if he does, why has he not asked me to do anything.... why does he not give me his number or make more of an effort to keep in touch with me.... now he does not come by but I think in part, he might feel awakrd with my parents around. I have never said he could come by but I might. Its not always me that keeps in contact... remember he initiated our initial chat and the next 4 times after. Now sure I had to go to him on the 22 but he stays inside alot since his surgery and he is limited in things now. he isn't outside much anymore. Yet... the tuesday after when he was mowing... i was out getting my mail and it was HIM who waved and smile at me... he had to of been watching me get the mail and waited to see if i would look, because it was like instnat. Then on sunday when he was mowing....it was kinda weird....he had to of seen me again, walking the dogs by him, because he was walking backwards into the street, he mows with 1 hand....and was shoving the mower back into the lawn so i kinda was gonna wait for him to get out of the street and he ges in the grass, i walk by and he turns and smile and said hi. Then I come back form the walk.... and he stops, it was bizzare because usually he does that and wants to pet them and he was looking at me smiling and I kinda stopped figuring he wanted to see them. So I looked at him and he says "its hot out here" and i nodded since the mower was so loud and pointed to the ground, where the sink hole he showed me was "i said, ya i know, its gotten bigger" and he said "ya i showed the city that before" anyway that was it, and he mowed and i left... but why he stopped to look at me. no idea.I am so confused and everyone says I have to be the one to push him or ask him out... and go figure, the clueless idiot who has never even had a date before. yes, this will end well LOL. im just too scared to scare him away and make things awakrd. sigh.... anyway that was my lovely duel rant/blab. i better get on my way to doing nothing :)